Dannielle Levan wrote:
Missed you all!  Been so busy.
I have a new drive, work wise, anyway.  Working on a calendar.
This will be January!

Yay!!

Faith EnFire wrote:

It's... it's... it's vomiting HANDS!

*cowers*

Lawrence Guy wrote:

It's... it's... it's vomiting HANDS!

*cowers*

That's what i thought.  Creeped me out.

Lawrence Guy wrote:

Star Child wrote:
How did it turn out?
How are you doing today?
I've been keeping you in my prayers.

Natasha240 wrote:
I too, am waiting for an update I hope it went well!

I do hope everything is okay.

Maybe you guys should stop praying lol, everything is getting worse..
I just found out I'm preg..I told my mother and she kicked me out. I now have to find a place to live and a way to support myself when I work 20 hours a week. Its ok though, I'm just blocking everything out, I can't start panicing or I'm going to lose it..
Anyone have a nice couch? =p

Dawn Hart wrote:

Maybe you guys should stop praying lol, everything is getting worse..
I just found out I'm preg..I told my mother and she kicked me out. I now have to find a place to live and a way to support myself when I work 20 hours a week. Its ok though, I'm just blocking everything out, I can't start panicing or I'm going to lose it..
Anyone have a nice couch? =p

Well, you sure have a lot on your plate. It looks like you are going to have to make some big decisions in your life. All I can say is something a wise man once told me, and I believe it to be true. I don't believe in "God" or the "Devil" personally, but it still resonates. The enemy (whatever you believe that is) seems to know that you are a very strong person, and a very good person, so it is throwing all kinds of obstacles and challenges in your way to beat you down. Accept these challenges, knowing that you will come through even better, no matter how long that takes. It seems that things are going to be very hard for you for a while, but I truly believe that you will be ok. I'm rooting for you every step of the way. You can do it girl! Don't give up.

Do you have any friends you can stay with while you figure out your next step?

Natasha240 wrote:

Well, you sure have a lot on your plate. It looks like you are going to have to make some big decisions in your life. All I can say is something a wise man once told me, and I believe it to be true. I don't believe in "God" or the "Devil" personally, but it still resonates. The enemy (whatever you believe that is) seems to know that you are a very strong person, and a very good person, so it is throwing all kinds of obstacles and challenges in your way to beat you down. Accept these challenges, knowing that you will come through even better, no matter how long that takes. It seems that things are going to be very hard for you for a while, but I truly believe that you will be ok. I'm rooting for you every step of the way. You can do it girl! Don't give up.

Do you have any friends you can stay with while you figure out your next step?

what I would have said but she said it better...

Natasha240 wrote:

Well, you sure have a lot on your plate. It looks like you are going to have to make some big decisions in your life. All I can say is something a wise man once told me, and I believe it to be true. I don't believe in "God" or the "Devil" personally, but it still resonates. The enemy (whatever you believe that is) seems to know that you are a very strong person, and a very good person, so it is throwing all kinds of obstacles and challenges in your way to beat you down. Accept these challenges, knowing that you will come through even better, no matter how long that takes. It seems that things are going to be very hard for you for a while, but I truly believe that you will be ok. I'm rooting for you every step of the way. You can do it girl! Don't give up.

Do you have any friends you can stay with while you figure out your next step?

I might be able to say with my father. Although I dont kow how I can pay him rent, I'm getting about one shift a week at my job..I'm at the point where I want to die, I can't seem to make anything better and I know it would be ''quitting'' but I dont think I can do this anymore..Only thing stopping me is this baby, I cant hurt someone else...excuse me, but FUCK mylife.

Dawn Hart wrote:

I might be able to say with my father. Although I dont kow how I can pay him rent, I'm getting about one shift a week at my job..I'm at the point where I want to die, I can't seem to make anything better and I know it would be ''quitting'' but I dont think I can do this anymore..Only thing stopping me is this baby, I cant hurt someone else...excuse me, but FUCK mylife.

It's a lot, and you are overwhelmed. It's understandable. I'm sending you a pm.

Dawn Hart wrote:
Maybe you guys should stop praying lol, everything is getting worse..
I just found out I'm preg..I told my mother and she kicked me out. I now have to find a place to live and a way to support myself when I work 20 hours a week. Its ok though, I'm just blocking everything out, I can't start panicing or I'm going to lose it..
Anyone have a nice couch? =p

Oh jeez darls!  The universe sure is kicking you in the face this week O.O
Too bad you're in NS, i'm in BC and i'd let you stay here :;/

Faith EnFire wrote:
sorry, guess I can't do anything right
hohum

*hug* I was teasing you, silly!

Dawn Hart wrote:

I might be able to say with my father. Although I dont kow how I can pay him rent, I'm getting about one shift a week at my job..I'm at the point where I want to die, I can't seem to make anything better and I know it would be ''quitting'' but I dont think I can do this anymore..Only thing stopping me is this baby, I cant hurt someone else...excuse me, but FUCK mylife.

You might not be able to do "this" anymore, but don't confuse "this" with life.  If you are having suicidal ideation you need to have it professionally addressed pronto.  There is a world of alternatives that you can't even dream exist right now - but they're there, and there are people who can help you find them.  I'm glad that your baby gives you a reason to live - but there are people who can show you  how you can find a reason to live for your own sake.  I've been through it myself.  Miracles DO happen... but you have to go to the angels.  We call them doctors and therapists.  You have my love and, despite your wry pessimism , my prayers.

Lawrence Guy wrote:

*hug* I was teasing you, silly!

it's fine, just been in a funk

Faith EnFire wrote:

it's fine, just been in a funk

*does FUNKY turtle dance for Faith EnFire*

Star Child wrote:

*does FUNKY turtle dance for Faith EnFire*

Useless without video!  VIDEO I SAY!

Dannielle Levan wrote:

Useless without video!  VIDEO I SAY!

Nuh-uh, but ya did love that hair, didn'tja?

Star Child wrote:
Argh... feeling a strong anxiety attack approaching. I'm already stressed and in maintenance mode.

We're with you, Kev.  Do some calming exercises... you know the drill.  The anxiety is an artificial problem that only compounds the real problems.  Isolate the thoughts that are causing the anxiety, and then it's easier to stop feeling anxious.  *hugs*  You have my prayers.

Natasha240 wrote:
Rough night here. I'm trying HARD to not focus on the negative. I can't save the world. I would if I could, but I can't. Sometimes it's hard to accept

Don't I know it.

Star Child wrote:
Argh... feeling a strong anxiety attack approaching. I'm already stressed and in maintenance mode.

Anything I can do to help? I'm here for you and more than willing to help if I can.

Natasha240 wrote:
Rough night here. I'm trying HARD to not focus on the negative. I can't save the world. I would if I could, but I can't. Sometimes it's hard to accept

It's too much to try to focus on saving the world. I try to keep my focus on the little things I can do. If we all do that, the world will save itself.

Dawn Hart wrote:
Maybe you guys should stop praying lol, everything is getting worse..
I just found out I'm preg..I told my mother and she kicked me out. I now have to find a place to live and a way to support myself when I work 20 hours a week. Its ok though, I'm just blocking everything out, I can't start panicing or I'm going to lose it..
Anyone have a nice couch? =p

Oh, dear. Concentrate on priorities. Are you able to pick up more hours at work or maybe another job?

I'd offer you my spare room, but I don't think you'd want to move this far away.

I hope it all works out for you. Sending good, happy thoughts your way.

Lawrence Guy wrote:

Star Child wrote:
Argh... feeling a strong anxiety attack approaching. I'm already stressed and in maintenance mode.

We're with you, Kev.  Do some calming exercises... you know the drill.  The anxiety is an artificial problem that only compounds the real problems.  Isolate the thoughts that are causing the anxiety, and then it's easier to stop feeling anxious.  *hugs*  You have my prayers.

Thanks, LG, I did. I'm better today.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:

Anything I can do to help? I'm here for you and more than willing to help if I can.

Thanks, Mike. How fast can you get here with your camera? I've suddenly found myself with a house full of models this weekend.

Star Child wrote:

Lawrence Guy wrote:

Star Child wrote:
Argh... feeling a strong anxiety attack approaching. I'm already stressed and in maintenance mode.

We're with you, Kev.  Do some calming exercises... you know the drill.  The anxiety is an artificial problem that only compounds the real problems.  Isolate the thoughts that are causing the anxiety, and then it's easier to stop feeling anxious.  *hugs*  You have my prayers.

Thanks, LG, I did. I'm better today.

Thanks, Mike. How fast can you get here with your camera? I've suddenly found myself with a house full of models this weekend.

Unfortunately, I have to work this weekend. I should be in there today getting some OT, but I've enjoyed my last couple days off a little too much. Otherwise, I'd take the dogs to a kennel and be on my way!

Carrie_K wrote:
I think a lot of us are in shock at the moment over recent news events. I have several employees who were touched personally. Place this on top of our already fragile emotions and sometimes it's hard to hold back the tears.
I keep meaning to call my doctor. I know I should be on meds. Crying every night is not normal. It's just embarrassing that I've gotten to this point again.

Yes, this is true. Things like this tend to depress humanity as a whole. Those of us who are more attuned to the suffering of others take the brunt of the emotional trainwreck. I wish there was something I could say to make things better/easier for you.

Just take care of you. And don't be embarrassed. You'll be less likely to look for help if you're embarrassed about something. Try to make it a point to do one nice thing each day for someone else and one nice thing each day for yourself.

Please call your doctor.

Miss Murder Photography wrote:
I vill launch hugging kittens at Kevin til he cheers up.  I'll do it.  They're snuggly.

And I'll keep handing them to you for launch.

Miss Murder Photography wrote:
I vill launch hugging kittens at Kevin til he cheers up.  I'll do it.  They're snuggly.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
And I'll keep handing them to you for launch.

And after a hundred or so kittens are firmly latched to Kevin he will go stumbling through the forest and dozens of hikers will finally have clear photographic proof that Sasquatch is real.

Lawrence Guy wrote:

Miss Murder Photography wrote:
I vill launch hugging kittens at Kevin til he cheers up.  I'll do it.  They're snuggly.

And after a hundred or so kittens are firmly latched to Kevin he will go stumbling through the forest and dozens of hikers will finally have clear photographic proof that Sasquatch is real.

Lawrence Guy wrote:

Miss Murder Photography wrote:
I vill launch hugging kittens at Kevin til he cheers up.  I'll do it.  They're snuggly.

And after a hundred or so kittens are firmly latched to Kevin he will go stumbling through the forest and dozens of hikers will finally have clear photographic proof that Sasquatch is real.

As Dannielle put it:

Natasha240 wrote:
no bueno

That's a mighty big frown there, girlie. Whatchadooin?

Natasha240 wrote:
no bueno

*hugs* babe.  Let's cry on each-others shoulders.

Lawrence Guy wrote:
Normally I come to this thread to try to help other people with there problems.  Right now I just need to talk about mine.  There's no need to "help" me - I'm not having a crisis.  I just need to talk a bit.

I'm feeling really bad about myself because I don't have a job.  I talk a lot about unconditional self-acceptance, and I believe in it, but sometimes it's really hard to keep the chin up.  I'm going through these short little periods of anxiety, in which those feelings of helplessness and hopelessness try to assert control of me.  These are only powerful when I've just woken up from a fitful sleep.  After I am more fully alert I can banish the feelings... but as I write this I still have that acid feeling of anxiety in my gut.

I KNOW how self-defeating it is to cycle the future through my head over and over, making it worse with every iteration, but I haven't been so unable to control the thoughts since I was hospitalized in 2008.  I'm not that bad at all, but just the fact that I'm experiencing a fraction of the symptoms that I did back then makes me anxious, and we know how that plays out.

Something else that bothers me is the "I don't give a fuck about anyone else" attitude that I get when I'm like this.  My sympathy and empathy fly right out the window; worse, I just plain feel vicious.  That's not the person I want to be - and of course my inability to control it just makes me feel worse.

What doesn't make me feel worse?

I'm working overtime to keep my thoughts rational.  I'm so glad I know how to do it or I would be deep in that death spiral; instead I've pretty much pulled myself out of it.  I'm still feeling a little fluttering in my stomach, but I'll have that conquered soon.

I'd appreciate it very much if you guys would check up on me from time to time over the next week.  My next doctor's appointment is on the 25th with my psychiatrist, and I see my therapist on the 27th.  I don't ask for much more than a sentence or two saying "how're things going" and maybe a grunt when I reply

God, this really drives home the fact that I'm gonna be living with this disease for the rest of my life.  I went nearly two years without a crisis, and this is not a crisis, but without everything I've learned it would be one already, and I'm not entirely sure that it won't get worse.  Frankly, I'm afraid that it will - and fear, of course, is self-fulfilling.

God bless all of you.  You're all in my prayers - and my wishes.  I am truly glad to have come to know you.

I pledge to annoy the crap out of you this week then

Miss Murder Photography wrote:

I pledge to annoy the crap out of you this week then

Lawrence Guy wrote:
Normally I come to this thread to try to help other people with there problems.  Right now I just need to talk about mine.  There's no need to "help" me - I'm not having a crisis.  I just need to talk a bit.

I'm feeling really bad about myself because I don't have a job.  I talk a lot about unconditional self-acceptance, and I believe in it, but sometimes it's really hard to keep the chin up.  I'm going through these short little periods of anxiety, in which those feelings of helplessness and hopelessness try to assert control of me.  These are only powerful when I've just woken up from a fitful sleep.  After I am more fully alert I can banish the feelings... but as I write this I still have that acid feeling of anxiety in my gut.

I KNOW how self-defeating it is to cycle the future through my head over and over, making it worse with every iteration, but I haven't been so unable to control the thoughts since I was hospitalized in 2008.  I'm not that bad at all, but just the fact that I'm experiencing a fraction of the symptoms that I did back then makes me anxious, and we know how that plays out.

Something else that bothers me is the "I don't give a fuck about anyone else" attitude that I get when I'm like this.  My sympathy and empathy fly right out the window; worse, I just plain feel vicious.  That's not the person I want to be - and of course my inability to control it just makes me feel worse.

What doesn't make me feel worse?

I'm working overtime to keep my thoughts rational.  I'm so glad I know how to do it or I would be deep in that death spiral; instead I've pretty much pulled myself out of it.  I'm still feeling a little fluttering in my stomach, but I'll have that conquered soon.

I'd appreciate it very much if you guys would check up on me from time to time over the next week.  My next doctor's appointment is on the 25th with my psychiatrist, and I see my therapist on the 27th.  I don't ask for much more than a sentence or two saying "how're things going" and maybe a grunt when I reply

God, this really drives home the fact that I'm gonna be living with this disease for the rest of my life.  I went nearly two years without a crisis, and this is not a crisis, but without everything I've learned it would be one already, and I'm not entirely sure that it won't get worse.  Frankly, I'm afraid that it will - and fear, of course, is self-fulfilling.

God bless all of you.  You're all in my prayers - and my wishes.  I am truly glad to have come to know you.

You'll be hearing from me.  Also, I've got lots of chili leftover from today's M&G so I'll send you some.

I made it through well. I had friends paging me after I was late getting there. I walked in and wasn't there five minutes before friends descended on me. Had a great time. Met lots of models who I wanted to meet. Met photographers who I wanted to meet. Had much laughter. Gained new MM friends.
Came home and had a shoot with two models. My first male/female and had a great time. It was fun. They were very silly and had me laughing much.
Today, also, happens to be the 1 year anniversary of my sister's funeral. We made it through by given praises and thanks.
It's been a great day.
Wish all you guys could have been here in town with me today.
Huggs to all of you.

Star Child wrote:
Hey now. Why y'all throwing them cute 'n cuddlies like they was cannon balls or somethin? Do y'all know they land with claws out? I got more scratches than a wrasslin' match in a brier patch over here. Y'all tryin' to cheer me up or tear me up?


That's a mighty big frown there, girlie. Whatchadooin?

Meh. I was pretty depressed, which triggered me thinking that I was going to get bad again, which triggered anxiety, which triggered a panic attack, which triggered depression. I'm doing better today though.

Lawrence Guy wrote:

*hugs* babe.  Let's cry on each-others shoulders.

You got it hon