Lawrence Guy wrote:

I think all of us are in this thread for similar reasons - we have walked the edge and stared death in the face, and we come here looking for a reason to live.  We want to know if life is worth it, and why.

I can't speak for anyone but me, but my answer has been that I have chosen to live.  That means taking the life I've got, and making the best of it.  It also means throwing out ideas of what my life "should" be.  I've been very successful with that, although I occasionally slip.  Still, I have been happier for the last 20 months than I was for the entire decade before that.

Life and death are crucial subjects for us.  We are intimate with them; death can be like a lover.  But we don't want to commit to it - and we come here for help in staying faithful to life.

I've learned how to be faithful to life, and I can tell everyone here that it IS possible.  The first step is to commit yourself to life.  No matter how seductive death might seem, it is a false lover.  Death will have it's way with you and leave you.  Life is loyal.

I'm in a weird prosaic mood right now.  I'll just say, if those of us in this thread should have a motto, it would be this: "Choose Life."

/nod

Personally, after my horrific childhood, i refuse to give anyone the satisfaction of me killing myself off.  Y'all are gonna put up with me for MUCH longer.

Solstice Rain wrote:
I called my doctor. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon to discuss getting back on meds for a while. I don't want to keep spending my nights crying.

This is wonderful! I certainly hope it all works out for you.

TwiGGy BladeZ wrote:
I'm not sure if I can write what has happened in here...but at the same its much harder talking about it with people I know than strangers...At least strangers cant leave I guess....so here goes nothing.....I am borderline mildly autistic with severe depression...My last hospital visit was my most recent attempt. With lethal level of alcohol in my system and what I did afterwards I should not be alive. I have tried with the most serious ways people can think of to the point of disbelief....And for some reason I am still here....I hate it but cant seem to help it....I am on anti depressents and talk to doctors almost weekly...But it seems they already made their decision with me and dont seem to help, or even listen to what I have to say....So I dont really know what posting it here will do...but I guess its better than locking it up....

Solstice Rain wrote:
Well, look at it this way, you're still here for a reason. That's what I keep telling myself. Sometimes a thin thread is all we have to cling to. Sometimes this forum can be that thread. Last night, this forum was that thread for me. The people that reach out from this forum can sometimes offer all the strength we need to get us from that one critical moment to a stronger point. I've reached out to others and had others reach out to me. And tomorrow, I'm going to get some help that I desperately need. You can't give up. If one doctor won't listen, keep going until you find one that will.

Natasha240 wrote:
I'm glad you posted here . It won't make all of your problems go away, but you are right, sometimes talking to strangers (if you keep hanging with us, we won't be strangers for long!) helps.

All I can do is share some of my story with you. I don't have autism, but I do have chronic problems with severe depression and anxiety and panic. I have attempted suicide a number of times, the last time (two years ago) the most severe. I have been to psychologists, psychiatrists, group therapy, therapists, ect. off and on for 15 years. I know the feeling of frustration, and helplessness. Have you thought about switching doctors? If you feel that the professional you are going to for help "has already made their decision with you and don't seem to help", then I would suggest trying a new one. There are LOTS of them out there, and you may find one that does not make you feel that way, maybe has a different approach.

Twiggy, please listen to these 2 wonderful ladies. I haven't been to that point, but please, please, please find a doctor/therapist who wants to help you. Don't give up.

Miss Murder Photography wrote:

/nod

Personally, after my horrific childhood, i refuse to give anyone the satisfaction of me killing myself off.  Y'all are gonna put up with me for MUCH longer.

Atta girl!!!!

And forgive me if I don't consider it "putting up with you" but instead consider it "sharing a friendship with you".

Natasha240 wrote:

I remember that. I'm so glad you decided to stick around with us. You are such a caring person, and I'd miss you like crazy. :fist shake:

*tackes and hugs you*
yeah I definitily had a point of view that only a proctologist would recognize

Scottsworld71 wrote:

*tackes and hugs you*
yeah I definitily had a point of view that only a proctologist would recognize

Scottsworld71 wrote:

*tackes and hugs you*
yeah I definitilyhad a point of view that only a proctologist would recognize

I'd just like to point out the bold, for a reminder to myself, and others who read this. He HAD the point of view. Proof that as bad as it may be sometimes, staring at the abyss, it CAN change. But death is final, there will be no opportunity for a change in perspective, for happiness.

Solstice Rain wrote:
Just got back from the doctor. I got new prescriptions. He didn't commit me and I got past the feeling of feeling like a failure for needing meds to control this. I feel like now I can start to get better. Again.

I'm so happy for you!

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:

Atta girl!!!!

And forgive me if I don't consider it "putting up with you" but instead consider it "sharing a friendship with you".

I was referring specifically to my mother, who has consistently tried to get rid of me since i was born.  Sigh.

Solstice Rain wrote:
Just got back from the doctor. I got new prescriptions. He didn't commit me and I got past the feeling of feeling like a failure for needing meds to control this. I feel like now I can start to get better. Again.

You haz pm. 

Lookinghooks wrote:

You haz pm. 

Thank you.
I'm touched by those that have reached out to me. And apologize to those that I have made worry.

Little Alice wrote:
I just wanted to let everyone know, that I will be fulfilling my obligations this week.  But I'm very sure I won't be here the week after that.

My boyfriend just let me know that he isn't sure he ever loved me, when he convinced me that he truly loved me and wanted to make a home with me.  I gave him everything I had, and after five severely abusive relationships before, he was my light and my reason.  Now that I know he didn't love me I know that no one can ever actually love me, that it will always be a lie.  I cannot live knowing that I will never find love, I cannot.  It is the one thing I have gone through life without and I see no point in continuing without it.

I love all of the people here that have worked with me, talked with me, and given me the wonderful opportunities I have had.  I really and truly love you all.

~Little Alice

Alice, don't ever believe the last experience is the definitive one, or the last you'll have, however many times a cycle appears to be repeating.  It is more than possible, I assure you, to break such cycles by conscious effort (difficult as such effort may be).

Whatever combination of your attraction to abusers and liars, or their pull to you, you are, at least, aware of it.  Love is the best thing in the world, true.  You'll be ready for it again some day when you both least expect it, and have altered the part in you that fits with the "men" you've been hurt by.  But, for now, there is much else to live for.  You're a great model, and an exceptionally beautiful woman.  Those who know you no doubt know you as much else, much more as well.  Give more of us, give the world the opportunity to know you better.  Give yourself this opportunity.  Stay.

Solstice Rain wrote:
Just got back from the doctor. I got new prescriptions. He didn't commit me and I got past the feeling of feeling like a failure for needing meds to control this. I feel like now I can start to get better. Again.

Solstice Rain wrote:
Just got back from the doctor. I got new prescriptions. He didn't commit me and I got past the feeling of feeling like a failure for needing meds to control this. I feel like now I can start to get better. Again.

That's wonderful, I'm happy to hear success.

Little Alice wrote:
One of the side battles I have is I'm a shopaholic.  My, now ex, boyfriend used to help me with my shopping problems, and after faced with that crisis the other night, I lapsed.  My two friends took me out shopping (they're such enablers ) and I ended up with most likely the best impulse buy I could have.  I have always loved animals and have had pets in the past.  I am now spending time with my new little critter Delilah who is sweet as pie and doesn't care what language I speak in to her.  I have a tiny sense of purpose and fulfillment from buying her because she was in the back, not in the main display with all the other hamsters.  She is too aggressive to have a litter mate, but I only wanted one so it doesn't matter.  It feels good to help something, even if it is a tiny poof ball.

That's cute and cool. You speak multiple languages?

Star Child wrote:

That's cute and cool. You speak multiple languages?

I speak English and French.  I'm fluent in both, but I have an embarrassing habit of getting nervous around others who I can speak with and then I sound like an idiot

Natasha240 wrote:

I'd just like to point out the bold, for a reminder to myself, and others who read this. He HAD the point of view. Proof that as bad as it may be sometimes, staring at the abyss, it CAN change. But death is final, there will be no opportunity for a change in perspective, for happiness.

and it can change QUICKLY!  Now I find myself looking back wondering "what the hell was I thinking?!?!"

Little Alice wrote:
It turns out that things are far more hopeful.

As quite often happens when we take a step back to catch our breath. 

Good to know you are at least doing better now.

Natasha240 wrote:
I'm actually tearing up from relief here. I was sick all night with worry (I know, I know, I sound like a mom). ::HUGS::

Natasha,  this entire thread is so important to the forums.  So glad that you are here too!

Lawrence Guy wrote:

I think all of us are in this thread for similar reasons - we have walked the edge and stared death in the face, and we come here looking for a reason to live.  We want to know if life is worth it, and why.

I can't speak for anyone but me, but my answer has been that I have chosen to live.  That means taking the life I've got, and making the best of it.  It also means throwing out ideas of what my life "should" be.  I've been very successful with that, although I occasionally slip.  Still, I have been happier for the last 20 months than I was for the entire decade before that.

Life and death are crucial subjects for us.  We are intimate with them; death can be like a lover.  But we don't want to commit to it - and we come here for help in staying faithful to life.

I've learned how to be faithful to life, and I can tell everyone here that it IS possible.  The first step is to commit yourself to life.  No matter how seductive death might seem, it is a false lover.  Death will have it's way with you and leave you.  Life is loyal.

I'm in a weird prosaic mood right now.  I'll just say, if those of us in this thread should have a motto, it would be this: "Choose Life."

X100!  Lawrence, those are words so many of us can relate to!   I couldn't have said it better!  Thank you!

Little Alice wrote:
One of the side battles I have is I'm a shopaholic.  My, now ex, boyfriend used to help me with my shopping problems, and after faced with that crisis the other night, I lapsed.  My two friends took me out shopping (they're such enablers ) and I ended up with most likely the best impulse buy I could have.  I have always loved animals and have had pets in the past.  I am now spending time with my new little critter Delilah who is sweet as pie and doesn't care what language I speak in to her.  I have a tiny sense of purpose and fulfillment from buying her because she was in the back, not in the main display with all the other hamsters.  She is too aggressive to have a litter mate, but I only wanted one so it doesn't matter.  It feels good to help something, even if it is a tiny poof ball.

Your lil "poof ball" is soooo cute!    Not a bad shopping trip after all!

Little Alice wrote:
One of the side battles I have is I'm a shopaholic.  My, now ex, boyfriend used to help me with my shopping problems, and after faced with that crisis the other night, I lapsed.  My two friends took me out shopping (they're such enablers ) and I ended up with most likely the best impulse buy I could have.  I have always loved animals and have had pets in the past.  I am now spending time with my new little critter Delilah who is sweet as pie and doesn't care what language I speak in to her.  I have a tiny sense of purpose and fulfillment from buying her because she was in the back, not in the main display with all the other hamsters.  She is too aggressive to have a litter mate, but I only wanted one so it doesn't matter.  It feels good to help something, even if it is a tiny poof ball.

ya know, theres probably a deeper meaning into the fact that you took something that was probably unnoticed and not really cared about and gave it a new life

Solstice Rain wrote:
Just got back from the doctor. I got new prescriptions. He didn't commit me and I got past the feeling of feeling like a failure for needing meds to control this. I feel like now I can start to get better. Again.

cool.
Focus...
in 8 months you and Nicole Moser are going to be playing around in
pastries...

Little Alice wrote:
One of the side battles I have is I'm a shopaholic.  My, now ex, boyfriend used to help me with my shopping problems, and after faced with that crisis the other night, I lapsed.  My two friends took me out shopping (they're such enablers ) and I ended up with most likely the best impulse buy I could have.  I have always loved animals and have had pets in the past.  I am now spending time with my new little critter Delilah who is sweet as pie and doesn't care what language I speak in to her.  I have a tiny sense of purpose and fulfillment from buying her because she was in the back, not in the main display with all the other hamsters.  She is too aggressive to have a litter mate, but I only wanted one so it doesn't matter.  It feels good to help something, even if it is a tiny poof ball.

she's adorable

Little Alice wrote:
One of the side battles I have is I'm a shopaholic.  My, now ex, boyfriend used to help me with my shopping problems, and after faced with that crisis the other night, I lapsed.  My two friends took me out shopping (they're such enablers ) and I ended up with most likely the best impulse buy I could have.  I have always loved animals and have had pets in the past.  I am now spending time with my new little critter Delilah who is sweet as pie and doesn't care what language I speak in to her.  I have a tiny sense of purpose and fulfillment from buying her because she was in the back, not in the main display with all the other hamsters.  She is too aggressive to have a litter mate, but I only wanted one so it doesn't matter.  It feels good to help something, even if it is a tiny poof ball.

Star Child wrote:
Well I have been in a bit of a low since yesterday. I've got lots to do this weekend and no time to think about it so I should be okay. I hope.

hug?

Star Child wrote:
Well I have been in a bit of a low since yesterday. I've got lots to do this weekend and no time to think about it so I should be okay. I hope.

That's what I tend to do sometimes. Try to keep busy to keep my mind off things.

Sending good thoughts your way.

Star Child wrote:
Well I have been in a bit of a low since yesterday. I've got lots to do this weekend and no time to think about it so I should be okay. I hope.

*hugs*

Carrie_K wrote:
Small win
My anti depressants are pink. This made me smile.

Small fail, they are causing THE WORST insomnia.

Owwie. When I was taking anti-depressants that's what they did to me as well as acting as an appetite suppressant.

I was only sleeping 3 hours a day, felt like a zombie, and never wanted to eat. But, I still gained weight.

Turns out my problem was actually just a sinus infection at the time. Got some antibiotics, infection went away, I felt fine.

Carrie_K wrote:
Small win
My anti depressants are pink. This made me smile.

Small fail, they are causing THE WORST insomnia.

talk to the doc, they had me on something that helped me sleep too when i was on Zoloft

be careful taking Remeron without discussing with your doctor about side effects. Everyone I know-myself included gained at least thirty pounds. i was on it for less than a month and gained about forty pounds

Faith EnFire wrote:

talk to the doc, they had me on something that helped me sleep too when i was on Zoloft

be careful taking Remeron without discussing with your doctor about side effects. Everyone I know-myself included gained at least thirty pounds. i was on it for less than a month and gained about forty pounds

I'm actually on Effexor. I've been on it before. Always lost weight on it. Kills my appetite completely. And I have the lowest dose of xanax to help me sleep. I took half last night. Tonight I'll try a whole one. Now that I think about it, I remember not being able to sleep on it last time. Maybe I'll get used to it. He wanted to give me Ambien, but I get so groggy on those, I declined.

Carrie_K wrote:

I'm actually on Effexor. I've been on it before. Always lost weight on it. Kills my appetite completely. And I have the lowest dose of xanax to help me sleep. I took half last night. Tonight I'll try a whole one. Now that I think about it, I remember not being able to sleep on it last time. Maybe I'll get used to it. He wanted to give me Ambien, but I get so groggy on those, I declined.

I was on Effexor the last time. If I remember right, the side effects went away in about 4-6 weeks. They worked well for me, for a while anyway.

Carrie_K wrote:

I'm actually on Effexor. I've been on it before. Always lost weight on it. Kills my appetite completely. And I have the lowest dose of xanax to help me sleep. I took half last night. Tonight I'll try a whole one. Now that I think about it, I remember not being able to sleep on it last time. Maybe I'll get used to it. He wanted to give me Ambien, but I get so groggy on those, I declined.

jah-ambien

they gave me trazadone and that worked pretty well. I don't think xanax worked for me

Star Child wrote:
Stressed. Stressed, I say. I'm too nervous. She's gonna make me go dancing tonight, but this low is really kicking at my enthusiasm. Combination nervous panic attack. Is that legal?
Ugh. I feel terrible. I need a stand in. A real good one cause being me is.... I have a hard time doing it.
Gah!

Deep breaths. You can do this! Relax.