Pathogenic Confessions wrote:
I just wanted to thank everyone here for the help and support.

I find myself on MM less and less, it seems to bring more drama into my life than needed.

Plus I have been so busy.  So I wanted to say thank you and if you want to contact me, send me a PM, I'll likely keep my account up so I will keep checking them

H*U*G*S I do that from time to time just to clear my head.

Best wishes and if you ever feel the need to talk, you know where to find us.

Natasha240 wrote:
Thanks everyone! **Does the happy dance***

*Dances with you*

WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm gettin' dizzy.

Pathogenic Confessions wrote:
I just wanted to thank everyone here for the help and support.

I find myself on MM less and less, it seems to bring more drama into my life than needed.

Plus I have been so busy.  So I wanted to say thank you and if you want to contact me, send me a PM, I'll likely keep my account up so I will keep checking them

I've been there - took two months off myself once. *HUGS* You'll be missed, and I do hope you will return.

Pathogenic Confessions wrote:
I just wanted to thank everyone here for the help and support.

I find myself on MM less and less, it seems to bring more drama into my life than needed.

Plus I have been so busy.  So I wanted to say thank you and if you want to contact me, send me a PM, I'll likely keep my account up so I will keep checking them

*Hugs*, hope you come back soon. We've all had to take breaks here and there. We'll keep a light on for you!

Lawrence Guy wrote:

Why don't you talk about it?  We're here to listen.

right now I'm just chalking it up to my usual holiday funk.

Andy Durazo wrote:

right now I'm just chalking it up to my usual holiday funk.

It's almost over

Andy Durazo wrote:

right now I'm just chalking it up to my usual holiday funk.

Okay, but if it keeps on going (and even if it doesn't ) we're here for you - and so are the pros.

Dawn Hart wrote:
Right now I just feel like I can't do it anymore. I tryed to commit suicide when I was 14, and I have depression but they wont let me take pills for it (I took 90 anit-depressants to try and die, along with cutting my arms to shreds). 

The guy I actually let in and trusted 100% just left me (3 days ago) because he thinks my ex hit me when he was away but it was really my father. He's mad because he thought I seen my ex, and even now that he knows the truth he says ''I dont want a relationship right now''

Why dose the only guy I trusted/loved have to crush me? I never cut for 2 years, but now I'm back to where I started..I just can't do this anymore..

because we have a habit of choosing similar characteristics. sometimes it's good to date someone outside our comfort zone
it doesn't give them a right to trample us though

and some guys are just turds and no guy is ever worth cutting over

Dawn Hart wrote:
Right now I just feel like I can't do it anymore. I tryed to commit suicide when I was 14, and I have depression but they wont let me take pills for it (I took 90 anit-depressants to try and die, along with cutting my arms to shreds). 

The guy I actually let in and trusted 100% just left me (3 days ago) because he thinks my ex hit me when he was away but it was really my father. He's mad because he thought I seen my ex, and even now that he knows the truth he says ''I dont want a relationship right now''

Why dose the only guy I trusted/loved have to crush me? I never cut for 2 years, but now I'm back to where I started..I just can't do this anymore..

One thing I can't stress enough is your value is not tied to anything regarding relationships or being in one.  People are people and we all have our shortcomings. We are a value to this world because we are here.  We need no other validation.

Right now the wound is fresh and so is the pain.  It's simply going to hurt, but you have to tell yourself there is reason to hang on even if you can't see it right now.

In regards to medication there are different types of medication to take.  They work differently in our systems.  Some are simply just to help us maintain balance.

Most importantly, seeking counseling may help. It's a difficult step. It's difficult to open up, but it's about taking control of your battle.

You are in a battle with depression.  It's your enemy and its goal is to take away your life and rob you and the world of every blessing that you bring to this world. If you're here you're here to bring life (total life, not just existence)  to this world.  Even if you can't feel or see it there is a purpose for you here and you will find it if you fight back.

Thank you for stopping by this thread. Thank you for taking the moment to tell us how you feel.  Please feel free to reach out to any of us. We are here to support.  All us know that feeling of lost hope.  All of us know that feeling of wanting just to give up. All of us understand.

Natasha240 wrote:
So I just talked to my doctor. THe pathology report confirms what the original biopsy said, and the margins are clear. He got it all! So I am set for now, until my next check up. Woooohooo!

I just saw this! CONGRATS!!! ***HHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGSSSSS******** That is awesome news

Dawn Hart wrote:
Right now I just feel like I can't do it anymore. I tryed to commit suicide when I was 14, and I have depression but they wont let me take pills for it (I took 90 anit-depressants to try and die, along with cutting my arms to shreds). 

The guy I actually let in and trusted 100% just left me (3 days ago) because he thinks my ex hit me when he was away but it was really my father. He's mad because he thought I seen my ex, and even now that he knows the truth he says ''I dont want a relationship right now''

Why dose the only guy I trusted/loved have to crush me? I never cut for 2 years, but now I'm back to where I started..I just can't do this anymore..

Hey there,

I'm glad you came here to talk. As far as the meds....I tried to commit suicide by overdosing on a medication I was prescribed. However, once I was somewhat stable, I still NEEDED to take said drug. He prescribed me a smaller AMOUNT of the drug, and my wife kept the bottles hidden and left me the amount I would need for the day in the morning. Maybe you could work something out like that? I understand the fear of your doctor, but at the same time if you medically NEED the drug, you NEED it.

As far as your relationship....I'm not good at giving advice here. It sounds like he wanted to leave, regardless of the hitting incident. I know it hurts honey, and it's supposed to. It WILL stop hurting one day though, that I can promise you. Your worth is not determined by your partner or lack thereof. If you ever need to talk, PM me, or just call me. I'll PM you my number.

You will be in my thoughts!

Scottsworld71 wrote:

I just saw this! CONGRATS!!! ***HHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGSSSSS******** That is awesome news

Star Child wrote:
One thing I can't stress enough is your value is not tied to anything regarding relationships or being in one.  People are people and we all have our shortcomings. We are a value to this world because we are here.  We need no other validation.

Right now the wound is fresh and so is the pain.  It's simply going to hurt, but you have to tell yourself there is reason to hang on even if you can't see it right now.

In regards to medication there are different types of medication to take.  They work differently in our systems.  Some are simply just to help us maintain balance.

Most importantly, seeking counseling may help. It's a difficult step. It's difficult to open up, but it's about taking control of your battle.

You are in a battle with depression.  It's your enemy and its goal is to take away your life and rob you and the world of every blessing that you bring to this world. If you're here you're here to bring life (total life, not just existence)  to this world.  Even if you can't feel or see it there is a purpose for you here and you will find it if you fight back.

Thank you for stopping by this thread. Thank you for taking the moment to tell us how you feel.  Please feel free to reach out to any of us. We are here to support.  All us know that feeling of lost hope.  All of us know that feeling of wanting just to give up. All of us understand.

I can only add a little bit to what Kev said here.  You might be able to find a doctor who will be more willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and prescribe the medications you need.  Seriously, there are so many ways to commit suicide that it really doesn't make sense for a doctor to withhold treatment for any reason, no matter what your past history is.  Different doctors have different criteria on how they prescribe - some are personal biases, others are mandated by the institutions that employ them.  Hell, my psychiatrist told me that although he couldn't legally prescribe a med that he thought I should have, I should go ahead and try to buy it from overseas without a prescription.  This isn't something you should do on your own - but there are doctors out there that aren't afraid to bend the rules when they think it will help a patient.

Dawn Hart wrote:
Thank you for ALL of your help and advice EVERYONE.
I have an appointment with my docter and a councler.
You guys are all amazing, thanks for the help when I needed it the most!
I was scared I had no one to turn to, and you guys are all amazing for helping strangers out when they need you.

I hope 2010 brings as much happyness to you guys as you have brought to me and all the others you help! THANK YOU!

-Dawn

You're welcome, Dawn, and thank YOU for giving us your praise.  We help because we know what it's like to feel like there's nobody around who understands.  It's our way of paying people back forward for the help we've received ourselves.  Realize that we feel the pain of every person who posts here, and we feel joy whenever a person posts their success.  I am so glad you've decided to let us be your friends.  Keep on posting here; share your ups and downs.  Although we are strangers, we do sincerely care about you.  This thread is taken very seriously; you will get respect and compassion when you come here.

Natasha240 wrote:
Well everyone, I'm going to my sisters house for nye. I just wanted to wish you all a happy new year!!!

Luv ya!  HNY!

Chris Rifkin wrote:
Well....
a win is a win....
And the fact that I have somewhere to spend New Years eve
is a win in the fact that this is the one night I cannot spend alone.

but for every win,there is a lose,as my friend is a musician,
and while an R&B artist,he also kinda likes the experimentation
of metal,to the point he just purchased a Mesa Boogie
Roadking Rectifier(thats a 150watt amp),and his son is into techno/
trance.....
So I have a feeling his neighbors won,t be viewing this as a win
when I`m going GUG GUG GUG GUG with my 7 string guitar over
hip hop beats with dj scratching at high volumes

- just through some of that Rage Against The Machine at 'em. Go party and have a good time.

Star Child wrote:
Happy New Year, y'all.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm refusing to affirm the negative anymore. I'm fighting back even harder than before and I extend this offer to anyone who wants to join me.
If you want, please copy and paste this badge on your port, just as a reminder that we're fighting back.

Star Child wrote:
Happy New Year, y'all.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm refusing to affirm the negative anymore. I'm fighting back even harder than before and I extend this offer to anyone who wants to join me.
If you want, please copy and paste this badge on your port, just as a reminder that we're fighting back.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
Childhood memories are surfacing.

Not good.

Whenever I find myself being attacked by the angst of certain memories I try to focus on where I am now and try to keep my mind occupied with doing creative things.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
Childhood memories are surfacing.

Not good.

Need a hug? Here's one anyway. {{{HUGS}}}}

Star Child wrote:

Whenever I find myself being attacked by the angst of certain memories I try to focus on where I am now and try to keep my mind occupied with doing creative things.

Normally this doesn't bother me since I've had a very vivid memory of my whole childhood. It plays like a movie through my head constantly. I remember having my diapers changed. I remember not being able to form the words I wanted to say. I remember the puppies being born when I was 3. I remember a lot of good stuff about my childhood.

I also remember a lot of the bad stuff. This memory is a blessing and a curse. For the longest time, I only recalled the good stuff because my mind didn't fully comprehend the bad stuff so I dismissed those kinda like fast forwarding through commercials. I've recently started analyzing my life: where I've been, where I am, where I want to be. Now I comprehend the full significance of some of the things that were said and done back then.

Mom: "We only wanted 4 kids. You were an unwanted pregnancy."

I guess they couldn't afford an abortion.

I've been trying to keep occupied with creative things. I keep getting stood up on shoots, though. Not flaked on, just canceled. Things just happen. What I really need is a super-awesome model who is kind, considerate, creative, and just an all-around great person...

Natasha240 wrote:
Need a hug? Here's one anyway. {{{HUGS}}}}

Oh, HI! Thanks for that hug. Feeling creative?

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:

Normally this doesn't bother me since I've had a very vivid memory of my whole childhood. It plays like a movie through my head constantly. I remember having my diapers changed. I remember not being able to form the words I wanted to say. I remember the puppies being born when I was 3. I remember a lot of good stuff about my childhood.

I also remember a lot of the bad stuff. This memory is a blessing and a curse. For the longest time, I only recalled the good stuff because my mind didn't fully comprehend the bad stuff so I dismissed those kinda like fast forwarding through commercials. I've recently started analyzing my life: where I've been, where I am, where I want to be. Now I comprehend the full significance of some of the things that were said and done back then.

Mom: "We only wanted 4 kids. You were an unwanted pregnancy."

I guess they couldn't afford an abortion.

I've been trying to keep occupied with creative things. I keep getting stood up on shoots, though. Not flaked on, just canceled. Things just happen. What I really need is a super-awesome model who is kind, considerate, creative, and just an all-around great person...


Oh, HI! Thanks for that hug. Feeling creative?

Smoov man, very smoov! And yes, yes I am

You know, I have the opposite problem. I have giant chunks of my memory missing. I cant remember a lot of my childhood, and life in general. It seems to just drop out, it's weird. One of my old therapists suggested to me it was my minds way of protecting itself.....sure, why not? It's just weird to not remember so much of my life.  I guess it's hard either way

Natasha240 wrote:

Smoov man, very smoov! And yes, yes I am

You know, I have the opposite problem. I have giant chunks of my memory missing. I cant remember a lot of my childhood, and life in general. It seems to just drop out, it's weird. One of my old therapists suggested to me it was my minds way of protecting itself.....sure, why not? It's just weird to not remember so much of my life.  I guess it's hard either way

I think it's actually easier remembering. I've had my whole life to get used to all of it and numb myself to most of it. I think I prefer it this way over not remembering. If I were to suddenly remember some of this stuff, I think I'd definitely go off the deep end. So, I can't say I envy you for not remembering. That would scare me. Of course, I'm basing that on the bad things I do remember. Your lost memories may not be all bad.

Natasha240 wrote:
I mostly agree Guy. I had some classic "signs" of being molested as a child that my first shrink asked me about when I was 18 or so. He asked me if I had ever been sexually abused or molested, and I told him no, I was positive.

Fast forward 12 years, and it comes up again, with a different therapist. Again, I said no, I had not been molested or assaulted. Then I started thinking about some things in my life, and why two seperate therapists so many years apart would hint that they thought I was. I started questioning family, and myself. I got mixed answers. But the truth of the matter is that I would never REALLY know the answer, even if I had been. If I was, I don't remember it. At all. Just the thought of it could drive me over the edge. I decided I was not going to drive myself crazy with assumptions and questions about something I would never know the answer to, so I let it go. Knowing, or remembering would not help me in my life now, and it would not change anything.

That's it exactly.  I was working myself up into full-blown panic attacks by trying to figure out if the memories were real or not.  Better to just let it go.  Why let something that *might* have happened hurt me now?

But I can't quite let it go completely.  There's a smidgen of doubt that surfaces from time to time.  I squash it away, but it's there.  And I can deal with it now.  I'm not so afraid of it that I can't control it anymore.

Whatever.  I shouldn't keep posting about a subject that I just said I should let go of.  Onward!

Dannielle Levan wrote:
Had an anxiety attack yesterday but feeling much better after a hilarious shoot.

*hugs* and *high five*

It's nice to get the happy ending with the sad beginning in one post.  Makes me feel that there's a certain completeness to life.

Lawrence Guy wrote:

*hugs* and *high five*

It's nice to get the happy ending with the sad beginning in one post.  Makes me feel that there's a certain completeness to life.

Shooting makes me insanely happy.  Check out the first shot in my av!  Eehehehe!

Dannielle Levan wrote:

Shooting makes me insanely happy.  Check out the first shot in my av!  Eehehehe!

Wild - how did you make the claws?  Or acquire them?

Lawrence Guy wrote:

Wild - how did you make the claws?  Or acquire them?

They are part of my friend's talent agency's wardrobe (that i have unlimited access to)

Lawrence Guy wrote:
I have misleading memories of my childhood.  The two times that I was on the brink of suicide were preceded with thoughts that I had been a witness to some kind of sex crime.  I had long been disturbed by staircases leading down into basements, and I kind of built up this idea that as a child (4 or 5) I had stumbled across someone molesting another child in the basement of my apartment building.  Somehow I was involved - but it never made any sense.

I brought all this up when I was hospitalized and we couldn't get anywhere with it.  I'm virtually certain that it's a false memory that my mind has constructed to explain much of my current psychological issues.  Still, I can't avoid the nagging feeling that there's something to it.  I have the impression that I knew about BDSM before I was six years old.

I've talked to my therapist about it and the conclusion we came to is this: maybe it's true, and maybe it isn't, but it doesn't really matter.  What matters is that I continue living from this point forward - the past is just memory (or false memory, who knows?).

So regarding childhood memories - We have three different cases here, and all of them seem to haunt us.  Perhaps it IS best to try not to read anything into them.  Water under the bridge, so to speak.  Concern yourself with living the instantaneous now, because now is the only time that we actually exist.  The past is memory and the future is a dream.

Some of my memories are just impressions. Most are crystal clear. The impressions I don't give much thought to since that's all they are.

The thing about my memories is not that I recalled them years later, but since I was a child, I've replayed my memories over and over inside my head so for me, it's like watching a favorite movie once a week while it's still fresh in my mind.

I won't say every memory I have is 100%, but those I'm sure of I'd be willing to bet are 100%. Normally I don't let them bother me, but as I said I've been assessing my life lately. It's always good to know the past when you're working on building up a future. I do realize I can't do anything about them except analyze them, but right now I feel I have to in order to move on. It might give me closure.