Photographer
Lawrence Guy
Posts: 17716
San Diego Country Estates, California, US
Star Child wrote:
I've got plenty of chili in case anybody gets hungry.  If you could figure out a way to PM it to me I'd be all over it.
Photographer
Star Child
Posts: 39289
Nashville, Tennessee, US
Win report Over the weekend I had a M&G to attend. Thursday I began to feel the pressure of social anxiety coming on (I said something about it here). Y'all stepped up with encouraging words and helped me find my focus. I got there a bit late, but I made it. Walked in and right away was greeted by friends. It was a good event. Met several models who really want to work with me. Met photographers I'd been wanting to meet for sometime, including those who's work had so inspired me. I had a good time. Very glad that I went.
Model
Solstice Rain
Posts: 13687
Davenport, Florida, US
Can't stop crying. Each day seems to be worse then the last. I'm halfway to numb on appletinis tonight. I finally got the nerve to call the doctor Friday and they had closed early. So no meds and I don't know if I can work up the strength to call again. Each time I think I can pull myself out, I fall further and hate life more. And I'm losing the strength to put on a brave front.
Photographer
Dannielle Levan
Posts: 12865
New Westminster, British Columbia, Canada
Solstice Rain wrote:
Can't stop crying. Each day seems to be worse then the last. I'm halfway to numb on appletinis tonight. I finally got the nerve to call the doctor Friday and they had closed early. So no meds and I don't know if I can work up the strength to call again. Each time I think I can pull myself out, I fall further and hate life more. And I'm losing the strength to put on a brave front. Awww, that sucks darls. :hugs!:
The sheer cuteness of this should make you at least smile http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxUulGkLu4I
Photographer
Photons 2 Pixels Images
Posts: 17011
Berwick, Pennsylvania, US
Solstice Rain wrote:
Can't stop crying. Each day seems to be worse then the last. I'm halfway to numb on appletinis tonight. I finally got the nerve to call the doctor Friday and they had closed early. So no meds and I don't know if I can work up the strength to call again. Each time I think I can pull myself out, I fall further and hate life more. And I'm losing the strength to put on a brave front. Let it out. Sometimes a good cleansing cry is what we need. I do from time to tome when things overwhelm me.
As soon as possible, get ahold of the doctor. *HUGS*
Photographer
Chris Rifkin
Posts: 25581
Tampa, Florida, US
Solstice Rain wrote:
Can't stop crying. Each day seems to be worse then the last. I'm halfway to numb on appletinis tonight. I finally got the nerve to call the doctor Friday and they had closed early. So no meds and I don't know if I can work up the strength to call again. Each time I think I can pull myself out, I fall further and hate life more. And I'm losing the strength to put on a brave front. This should work...
NY Yankees 2009 World Champions.
Model
Solstice Rain
Posts: 13687
Davenport, Florida, US
Somehow just knowing that there are people out there who give a shit about me opened the flood gates again. I guess I need meds more then I thought. I need to find a way to call that doctor again.
Photographer
Photons 2 Pixels Images
Posts: 17011
Berwick, Pennsylvania, US
Chris Rifkin wrote:
This should work...
NY Yankees 2009 World Champions. How have you been, Chris? Things looking up for you?
Photographer
Photons 2 Pixels Images
Posts: 17011
Berwick, Pennsylvania, US
Solstice Rain wrote:
Somehow just knowing that there are people out there who give a shit about me opened the flood gates again. I guess I need meds more then I thought. I need to find a way to call that doctor again. If you're trying to get me (or anyone else in this thread) to stop caring I don't think it'll work. 
I have a couple shoulders for you if you need them. And ears to listen if you need to talk, yell, scream, etc. I wish I could do more for you.
Just let us know when you get in touch with the doctor and everything is OK again.
Photographer
Chris Rifkin
Posts: 25581
Tampa, Florida, US
Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
How have you been, Chris? Things looking up for you? ehhh.....
I`m past the hollidays,so I have gone from lonely back to
indifferent,of course getting back to work instead of sitting home
in my empty townhome helps a lot....
Still trying to figure out how or where to meet a girl I would
be interested with my situation(my job and my credit issues caused by my
ex)if I ever decide to get back in the game and try.
Photographer
Lawrence Guy
Posts: 17716
San Diego Country Estates, California, US
Solstice Rain wrote:
Somehow just knowing that there are people out there who give a shit about me opened the flood gates again. I guess I need meds more then I thought. I need to find a way to call that doctor again. Remember that in the worst case you can call 911, or have someone drive you to an emergency room. Don't think of this one doctor as your only resource. I know how hard it can be to accept that a hospital might be necessary, but consider the possibility. You owe it to yourself.
Photographer
Photons 2 Pixels Images
Posts: 17011
Berwick, Pennsylvania, US
Chris Rifkin wrote:
ehhh.....
I`m past the hollidays,so I have gone from lonely back to
indifferent,of course getting back to work instead of sitting home
in my empty townhome helps a lot....
Still trying to figure out how or where to meet a girl I would
be interested with my situation(my job and my credit issues caused by my
ex)if I ever decide to get back in the game and try. I've found I'm happier when I don't stress about finding/not finding someone. I'm content in my life right now. If it happens, it happens.
Model
Little Alice
Posts: 3803
Chicago, Illinois, US
I just wanted to let everyone know, that I will be fulfilling my obligations this week. But I'm very sure I won't be here the week after that.
My boyfriend just let me know that he isn't sure he ever loved me, when he convinced me that he truly loved me and wanted to make a home with me. I gave him everything I had, and after five severely abusive relationships before, he was my light and my reason. Now that I know he didn't love me I know that no one can ever actually love me, that it will always be a lie. I cannot live knowing that I will never find love, I cannot. It is the one thing I have gone through life without and I see no point in continuing without it.
I love all of the people here that have worked with me, talked with me, and given me the wonderful opportunities I have had. I really and truly love you all.
~Little Alice
Photographer
Kevin Greggain Photography
Posts: 6769
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada
I have ADHD and bipolar disorder and have suffered from it my entire life..
Being depressed more than not, I have found a coping mechanism over the years, but I can tell you it was not easy.
At the age of four, I discovered a foster child my mother was caring for (or not caring for as this turns out) who had died in the crib.. I felt it was my fault..
Regardless, what I found was the catalyst for people with my disorders is positive (but not unreal) reinforcement.
Most of us in this condition suffer from a severe low self-esteem, which is the foundation to peace of mind and gives the building blocks to manage with this type of illness/situation.
In the times now, since the 1960s there is even more and more reasons to feel not good enough.
You would be surprised one even one fiber of positivity can do for people like myself..
Try it.. It's a free way of possibly saving someone's life.
Photographer
Dannielle Levan
Posts: 12865
New Westminster, British Columbia, Canada
My photography is the only thing keeping me sane now. I'm now pretty isolated from my family...they just don't care about me anymore :< Yet they call me for advice or to get them out of shit and not so much as a thank you...
And now i feel my marriage is on unstable ground. I'm not strong enough to handle this by myself :
Model
Natasha240
Posts: 6438
Cassina de' Pecchi, Lombardy, Italy
Little Alice wrote:
I just wanted to let everyone know, that I will be fulfilling my obligations this week. But I'm very sure I won't be here the week after that.
My boyfriend just let me know that he isn't sure he ever loved me, when he convinced me that he truly loved me and wanted to make a home with me. I gave him everything I had, and after five severely abusive relationships before, he was my light and my reason. Now that I know he didn't love me I know that no one can ever actually love me, that it will always be a lie. I cannot live knowing that I will never find love, I cannot. It is the one thing I have gone through life without and I see no point in continuing without it.
I love all of the people here that have worked with me, talked with me, and given me the wonderful opportunities I have had. I really and truly love you all.
~Little Alice I'm sending you a PM. Please, call 911 or have a friend take you to a hospital if you are actively suicidal.
Photographer
Patrick Walberg
Posts: 45475
San Juan Bautista, California, US
Little Alice wrote:
I just wanted to let everyone know, that I will be fulfilling my obligations this week. But I'm very sure I won't be here the week after that.
My boyfriend just let me know that he isn't sure he ever loved me, when he convinced me that he truly loved me and wanted to make a home with me. I gave him everything I had, and after five severely abusive relationships before, he was my light and my reason. Now that I know he didn't love me I know that no one can ever actually love me, that it will always be a lie. I cannot live knowing that I will never find love, I cannot. It is the one thing I have gone through life without and I see no point in continuing without it.
I love all of the people here that have worked with me, talked with me, and given me the wonderful opportunities I have had. I really and truly love you all.
~Little Alice Natasha240 wrote:
I'm sending you a PM. Please, call 911 or have a friend take you to a hospital if you are actively suicidal. X2
Please Alice, read what Natasha said and also I will send you a PM too.
You can find love ... starting with yourself.
Photographer
Patrick Walberg
Posts: 45475
San Juan Bautista, California, US
This might be a good time to repost this piece that I wrote;
If Tom Hanks had become Manager of Taco Bell ...
like his father wanted, instead of following his dreams ... what would the movie industry be like today? This is NOT some far fetched conspiracy theory ... this "could" have happened if Tom Hanks listened to his Dad!
I was listening to the Late Night Show with Conan O'Brien when he had Tom Hanks on. So I had to stay up and catch this since I am a big fan of Tom's from way back! While working as a courier, I've driven by the Skyline High School where he started perfecting his drama chops ... I've been on the Sacramento State campus where he went to college, and I know the 'hood very well where he filmed the movie Turner and Hooch since that is also my 'hood!
Tom Hanks was born in Concord, CA., to parents who soon divorced, and then he moved around quite a bit with his dad who was a cook. Tom credits his drama teacher in High School as being very inspirational for him to continue acting and go for his dreams. What I did not know until hearing him on the Late Night Show talking about his childhood was that his Dad insisted that he had no future in acting. He told how one early morning during the first part of summer after he had graduated from High School, his Dad woke him up out of bed yelling at him that "Taco Bell is hiring! You can get a job there and move up to Manager in no time!" It was his Dad who did not believe Tom could make anything of himself with acting. He thought his son Tom was better off continuing the family tradition of restaurant management!
How would the World be different if Tom Hanks had given up on a career in acting? Who could have played the role of Andrew Beckett, the AIDS-stricken lawyer opposite Denzel Washington (whose parents also divorced while he was a young teenager) in the Oscar winning movie Philadelphia? Who would have played Forrest Gump or countless other memorable movie rolls that Tom has had? What if Tom listened to his Dad and became manager of Taco Bell?
What if a black woman born out of wedlock, and sexually abused as a child had given up on her dreams? She thought about being a teacher or even more! So many around her were not as inspirational as her Grandmother who taught her to read at age three. She had a difficult childhood and could have given up on her dreams to become another statistic like many unwed black mothers struggling in America today, BUT she did NOT give up on her dreams! Today this woman is now a member of the Academy Of Achievement, the first Woman to ever become a Billionaire, and so incredibly successful that she is able to teach all of us about how important it is to dream! That woman is Oprah Winfrey!
How would the world be different if Oprah gave up on her dreams? What if she went to work for Taco Bell to support her and a new born child? Who would be the first woman (and a "Black Woman" at that!) to become a Billionaire?
Then there is Christina Aguilera whose Mother had the courage to leave a violent and abusive relationship with the Father of Christina so that she and children could have a chance to live without the violence ... to have a chance at their dreams! Her Mom did what she had to do to save her children, to keep them safe!
Christina might have not survived a beating from her Father who is still working as a dish washer today ... or maybe she could have ended up working at the same Taco Bell that Tom Hanks and Oprah Winfrey might have ended up working at? Can you imagine that?
I'm NOT making fun of employees of Taco Bell. In the past, I have worked at a fast food restaurant, pet store, movie theater, shoe store, also as courier, and at a warehouse as well as many retail photo labs and photo studios. Everyone has a dream! Just because someone serves the public behind a fast food counter or entertains us up on the big screen does not make ones life more important than the other. But seriously, I'm sure that if Tom Hanks had wanted to become manager of Taco Bell, he would have been a great manager! I respect ALL PEOPLE because that was the way I was brought up! "Thank God!" And my parents also taught me the importance of reading at a young age as well as to NEVER STOP DREAMING!
Tom, Oprah and Christina are among many of thousands of people who entertain us today who also had to pull themselves out of poverty and negative environments to become the people they are today. They did NOT just wake up and suddenly find themselves on "stage" making millions of dollars doing what they dreamed of. They worked hard, they made plans, and most important ... THEY NEVER GAVE UP!
Maybe you don't dream of becoming a movie star? Not everyone can become a successful movie star, top selling recording artist, or a billionaire. We all have our own ideas of what it means to be successful. My point is that we should consider our dreams and seek to work at what we really enjoy doing. If we are safe, working at something we enjoy and making enough money, then we have reason to be thankful. If we are not safe, happy or making enough to keep us above poverty, then we must keep trying to do something about it. Never give up on HOPE, and keep dreaming of something better!
Patrick Walberg
-------------------------------------------------------------
* I wrote this back in November 2005. It's been on my personal blog for my friends, but I thought I'd share it here on Modelmayhem. I was inspired to write it both from a conversation I had with a model friend whose dad discouraged her and also the late night show. Then recently I met someone at Taco Bell who made me think of it again!
Photographer
Photons 2 Pixels Images
Posts: 17011
Berwick, Pennsylvania, US
Little Alice wrote:
I just wanted to let everyone know, that I will be fulfilling my obligations this week. But I'm very sure I won't be here the week after that.
My boyfriend just let me know that he isn't sure he ever loved me, when he convinced me that he truly loved me and wanted to make a home with me. I gave him everything I had, and after five severely abusive relationships before, he was my light and my reason. Now that I know he didn't love me I know that no one can ever actually love me, that it will always be a lie. I cannot live knowing that I will never find love, I cannot. It is the one thing I have gone through life without and I see no point in continuing without it.
I love all of the people here that have worked with me, talked with me, and given me the wonderful opportunities I have had. I really and truly love you all.
~Little Alice Don't give up, Alice. Romantic love isn't all there is. Love comes in many forms. There are people in this thread I haven't even met in person, yet I love them like family.
So please, don't take one person's cruel comments as an assessment on your life. You are so much more than one comment, or even one conversation.
Just hang out here with us. Honestly, we're fun people.
Model
Faith EnFire
Posts: 13514
Milwaukee, Wisconsin, US
Little Alice wrote:
I just wanted to let everyone know, that I will be fulfilling my obligations this week. But I'm very sure I won't be here the week after that.
My boyfriend just let me know that he isn't sure he ever loved me, when he convinced me that he truly loved me and wanted to make a home with me. I gave him everything I had, and after five severely abusive relationships before, he was my light and my reason. Now that I know he didn't love me I know that no one can ever actually love me, that it will always be a lie. I cannot live knowing that I will never find love, I cannot. It is the one thing I have gone through life without and I see no point in continuing without it.
I love all of the people here that have worked with me, talked with me, and given me the wonderful opportunities I have had. I really and truly love you all.
~Little Alice ugh men...sometimes I'm very near convinced that they are so not worth the trouble
but no man/boy is worth your life and you know that after being thru the abusive relationships.
Perhaps, spend sometime with figuring out that you love yourself again. I'll help you start-You are very professional, know what you want and aren't afraid to say it. You have an awesome wardrobe that I'm horribly jealous of. You did great in the fashion show. And we are always happy to have you at the events
Photographer
Scottsworld71
Posts: 3587
Mount Vernon, Ohio, US
Little Alice wrote:
I just wanted to let everyone know, that I will be fulfilling my obligations this week. But I'm very sure I won't be here the week after that.
My boyfriend just let me know that he isn't sure he ever loved me, when he convinced me that he truly loved me and wanted to make a home with me. I gave him everything I had, and after five severely abusive relationships before, he was my light and my reason. Now that I know he didn't love me I know that no one can ever actually love me, that it will always be a lie. I cannot live knowing that I will never find love, I cannot. It is the one thing I have gone through life without and I see no point in continuing without it.
I love all of the people here that have worked with me, talked with me, and given me the wonderful opportunities I have had. I really and truly love you all.
~Little Alice Alice you have to believe that things WILL get better and I know its cliche' but this is a wound that time WILL heal. You have sooooooooooo many years ahead of you, this is just a "speedbump" in your life. I know its a painful one, but you will heal if you allow yourself to. Youre young and beautiful, I dont know what kind of person you are, you cant possibly be as unlovable as you think.
Im 38, I thought for the longest time that I was unlovable. I was always the "best friend" or the "just like a brother" guy, but for the most part the relationships I was in were full of secrets and lies. It got so bad that I had picked out the date of my suicide, my 40th birthday and I convinced myself I was ok with it.
I wasnt, not at all. Happiness is out there, its hard to find sometimes, but it IS out there. I found the woman of my dreams, the one I didnt think actually exsisted, "the one" for me and my whole world has changed for the better.
You have to keep your head up, it WILL get better!!!
just remember "It cant rain all the time"
Model
Faith EnFire
Posts: 13514
Milwaukee, Wisconsin, US
Miss Murder Photography wrote:
My photography is the only thing keeping me sane now. I'm now pretty isolated from my family...they just don't care about me anymore :< Yet they call me for advice or to get them out of shit and not so much as a thank you...
And now i feel my marriage is on unstable ground. I'm not strong enough to handle this by myself :
Model
Little Alice
Posts: 3803
Chicago, Illinois, US
Thank you for all the responses everyone. I'm not actively suicidal but when presented with what I was I panicked. I still don't know what I'm going to do, but it helps to know that there are people out there who care, thank you.
Model
Solstice Rain
Posts: 13687
Davenport, Florida, US
I called my doctor. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon to discuss getting back on meds for a while. I don't want to keep spending my nights crying.
Model
Faith EnFire
Posts: 13514
Milwaukee, Wisconsin, US
Little Alice wrote:
Thank you for all the responses everyone. I'm not actively suicidal but when presented with what I was I panicked. I still don't know what I'm going to do, but it helps to know that there are people out there who care, thank you. good to hear
Model
Faith EnFire
Posts: 13514
Milwaukee, Wisconsin, US
Solstice Rain wrote:
I called my doctor. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon to discuss getting back on meds for a while. I don't want to keep spending my nights crying. no, not fun
good for you
Photographer
Scottsworld71
Posts: 3587
Mount Vernon, Ohio, US
Do what you know you NEED to do! If you know you need help, GO GET IT! Lean on someone, whether its a stranger from here ( sometimes thats easier ) or an old trusted friend, theres always SOMEONE that will be there for you! Sometimes you have to lean on someone else to regain your balance, its ok! WE ALL need it sometimes
Model
Little Alice
Posts: 3803
Chicago, Illinois, US
I have an update.
I talked with him this morning on the phone now that sanity can be had on both sides. It turns out that things are far more hopeful. Both he and I are very passionate people, so when something is good it's AWESOME and when something is upsetting it's the most horrible-est thing ever. So both he and I said many hasty and horrible things to each other last night that were not true and not what was actually the matter.
It turned out that he was taking too much upon himself (feeling responsible for the way my parents treat me and my other private problems) and wasn't telling me he felt overwhelmed. Right now we aren't together, which still breaks my heart and makes life in general difficult for me, but I don't feel lost in a void anymore. He said that he did love me he just said what he said because he didn't think he cared about me enough to call it "love."
We're going to spend the semester apart and he is going to spend it finding his identity, which I understand as I found my identity two years ago. We're still going to be a part in each other's lives, but not living together and such. We'll see what happens between now and then, but I'm just glad that he is exactly who I thought he is, and not one of the men in my past who threw me aside and never actually cared.
Again I want to thank everyone for their responses that I read this morning. It really helped me get my head straight and able to have that phone conversation. Things are still upsetting but at least a little brighter. Thank you for being there for me.
Photographer
MisterC
Posts: 15162
Portland, Oregon, US
Little Alice wrote:
It turns out that things are far more hopeful. Glad you made it through the night, and to a better morning.
Also glad you posted your thoughts last night; better then keeping it to yourself.
Model
TwiGGy BladeZ
Posts: 213
Las Vegas, Nevada, US
I'm not sure if I can write what has happened in here...but at the same its much harder talking about it with people I know than strangers...At least strangers cant leave I guess....so here goes nothing.....I am borderline mildly autistic with severe depression...My last hospital visit was my most recent attempt. With lethal level of alcohol in my system and what I did afterwards I should not be alive. I have tried with the most serious ways people can think of to the point of disbelief....And for some reason I am still here....I hate it but cant seem to help it....I am on anti depressents and talk to doctors almost weekly...But it seems they already made their decision with me and dont seem to help, or even listen to what I have to say....So I dont really know what posting it here will do...but I guess its better than locking it up....
Model
Faith EnFire
Posts: 13514
Milwaukee, Wisconsin, US
glad you made it in here
Model
Solstice Rain
Posts: 13687
Davenport, Florida, US
TwiGGy BladeZ wrote:
I'm not sure if I can write what has happened in here...but at the same its much harder talking about it with people I know than strangers...At least strangers cant leave I guess....so here goes nothing.....I am borderline mildly autistic with severe depression...My last hospital visit was my most recent attempt. With lethal level of alcohol in my system and what I did afterwards I should not be alive. I have tried with the most serious ways people can think of to the point of disbelief....And for some reason I am still here....I hate it but cant seem to help it....I am on anti depressents and talk to doctors almost weekly...But it seems they already made their decision with me and dont seem to help, or even listen to what I have to say....So I dont really know what posting it here will do...but I guess its better than locking it up.... Well, look at it this way, you're still here for a reason. That's what I keep telling myself. Sometimes a thin thread is all we have to cling to. Sometimes this forum can be that thread. Last night, this forum was that thread for me. The people that reach out from this forum can sometimes offer all the strength we need to get us from that one critical moment to a stronger point. I've reached out to others and had others reach out to me. And tomorrow, I'm going to get some help that I desperately need. You can't give up. If one doctor won't listen, keep going until you find one that will.
Model
Natasha240
Posts: 6438
Cassina de' Pecchi, Lombardy, Italy
Scottsworld71 wrote:
Alice you have to believe that things WILL get better and I know its cliche' but this is a wound that time WILL heal. You have sooooooooooo many years ahead of you, this is just a "speedbump" in your life. I know its a painful one, but you will heal if you allow yourself to. Youre young and beautiful, I dont know what kind of person you are, you cant possibly be as unlovable as you think.
Im 38, I thought for the longest time that I was unlovable. I was always the "best friend" or the "just like a brother" guy, but for the most part the relationships I was in were full of secrets and lies. It got so bad that I had picked out the date of my suicide, my 40th birthday and I convinced myself I was ok with it.
I wasnt, not at all. Happiness is out there, its hard to find sometimes, but it IS out there. I found the woman of my dreams, the one I didnt think actually exsisted, "the one" for me and my whole world has changed for the better.
You have to keep your head up, it WILL get better!!!
just remember "It cant rain all the time" I remember that. I'm so glad you decided to stick around with us. You are such a caring person, and I'd miss you like crazy. :fist shake:
Model
Natasha240
Posts: 6438
Cassina de' Pecchi, Lombardy, Italy
Faith EnFire wrote:
but you aren't by yourself. you got us TRUTH!!!ONE!
Model
Natasha240
Posts: 6438
Cassina de' Pecchi, Lombardy, Italy
Solstice Rain wrote:
I called my doctor. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon to discuss getting back on meds for a while. I don't want to keep spending my nights crying. Good for you! There IS light at the end of the tunnel, we just have to find it.
Model
Natasha240
Posts: 6438
Cassina de' Pecchi, Lombardy, Italy
Little Alice wrote:
I have an update.
I talked with him this morning on the phone now that sanity can be had on both sides. It turns out that things are far more hopeful. Both he and I are very passionate people, so when something is good it's AWESOME and when something is upsetting it's the most horrible-est thing ever. So both he and I said many hasty and horrible things to each other last night that were not true and not what was actually the matter.
It turned out that he was taking too much upon himself (feeling responsible for the way my parents treat me and my other private problems) and wasn't telling me he felt overwhelmed. Right now we aren't together, which still breaks my heart and makes life in general difficult for me, but I don't feel lost in a void anymore. He said that he did love me he just said what he said because he didn't think he cared about me enough to call it "love."
We're going to spend the semester apart and he is going to spend it finding his identity, which I understand as I found my identity two years ago. We're still going to be a part in each other's lives, but not living together and such. We'll see what happens between now and then, but I'm just glad that he is exactly who I thought he is, and not one of the men in my past who threw me aside and never actually cared.
Again I want to thank everyone for their responses that I read this morning. It really helped me get my head straight and able to have that phone conversation. Things are still upsetting but at least a little brighter. Thank you for being there for me. I'm actually tearing up from relief here. I was sick all night with worry (I know, I know, I sound like a mom). ::HUGS::
Model
Natasha240
Posts: 6438
Cassina de' Pecchi, Lombardy, Italy
TwiGGy BladeZ wrote:
I'm not sure if I can write what has happened in here...but at the same its much harder talking about it with people I know than strangers...At least strangers cant leave I guess....so here goes nothing.....I am borderline mildly autistic with severe depression...My last hospital visit was my most recent attempt. With lethal level of alcohol in my system and what I did afterwards I should not be alive. I have tried with the most serious ways people can think of to the point of disbelief....And for some reason I am still here....I hate it but cant seem to help it....I am on anti depressents and talk to doctors almost weekly...But it seems they already made their decision with me and dont seem to help, or even listen to what I have to say....So I dont really know what posting it here will do...but I guess its better than locking it up.... I'm glad you posted here . It won't make all of your problems go away, but you are right, sometimes talking to strangers (if you keep hanging with us, we won't be strangers for long!) helps.
All I can do is share some of my story with you. I don't have autism, but I do have chronic problems with severe depression and anxiety and panic. I have attempted suicide a number of times, the last time (two years ago) the most severe. I have been to psychologists, psychiatrists, group therapy, therapists, ect. off and on for 15 years. I know the feeling of frustration, and helplessness. Have you thought about switching doctors? If you feel that the professional you are going to for help "has already made their decision with you and don't seem to help", then I would suggest trying a new one. There are LOTS of them out there, and you may find one that does not make you feel that way, maybe has a different approach.
Model
Natasha240
Posts: 6438
Cassina de' Pecchi, Lombardy, Italy
Solstice Rain wrote:
Well, look at it this way, you're still here for a reason. That's what I keep telling myself. Sometimes a thin thread is all we have to cling to. Sometimes this forum can be that thread. Last night, this forum was that thread for me. The people that reach out from this forum can sometimes offer all the strength we need to get us from that one critical moment to a stronger point. I've reached out to others and had others reach out to me. And tomorrow, I'm going to get some help that I desperately need. You can't give up. If one doctor won't listen, keep going until you find one that will.
Photographer
Dannielle Levan
Posts: 12865
New Westminster, British Columbia, Canada
Faith EnFire wrote:
but you aren't by yourself. you got us
So many people i barely know have come out to make me feel better, on here and FB, i feel a bit better now
Photographer
Lawrence Guy
Posts: 17716
San Diego Country Estates, California, US
TwiGGy BladeZ wrote:
I'm not sure if I can write what has happened in here...but at the same its much harder talking about it with people I know than strangers...At least strangers cant leave I guess....so here goes nothing.....I am borderline mildly autistic with severe depression...My last hospital visit was my most recent attempt. With lethal level of alcohol in my system and what I did afterwards I should not be alive. I have tried with the most serious ways people can think of to the point of disbelief....And for some reason I am still here....I hate it but cant seem to help it....I am on anti depressents and talk to doctors almost weekly...But it seems they already made their decision with me and dont seem to help, or even listen to what I have to say....So I dont really know what posting it here will do...but I guess its better than locking it up.... I think all of us are in this thread for similar reasons - we have walked the edge and stared death in the face, and we come here looking for a reason to live. We want to know if life is worth it, and why.
I can't speak for anyone but me, but my answer has been that I have chosen to live. That means taking the life I've got, and making the best of it. It also means throwing out ideas of what my life "should" be. I've been very successful with that, although I occasionally slip. Still, I have been happier for the last 20 months than I was for the entire decade before that.
Life and death are crucial subjects for us. We are intimate with them; death can be like a lover. But we don't want to commit to it - and we come here for help in staying faithful to life.
I've learned how to be faithful to life, and I can tell everyone here that it IS possible. The first step is to commit yourself to life. No matter how seductive death might seem, it is a false lover. Death will have it's way with you and leave you. Life is loyal.
I'm in a weird prosaic mood right now. I'll just say, if those of us in this thread should have a motto, it would be this: "Choose Life."
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