Sanguine Jackal wrote:

I've tried it to no avail. I can't ever seem to properly empty my head, so to speak.

However, I have hopes that moving into my own apartment will do me some serious good- and give me the time and space to do some yoga while listening to relax music.

I read a trick on meditation involving focusing only on your upper lip. Never quite worked.

I chant, it's the only way i can empty my head.  Chant something inane and simple.

Shelby Jane wrote:
The reasons that I haven't:
1. somebody would have to find me.
1a. I'd be afraid of it being my little brother.
2. My family would know it was suicide, and I'd rather they didn't.
3. the idea of people tossing the fact that I'd killed myself around sickens me.

But tonight, I'm considering it more than ever.

Hugs. Be strong. If you need to talk, I'll listen.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
Hugs. Be strong. If you need to talk, I'll listen.

Thanks. Frankly, I'm just not sure how much more of feeling like this I can put up with
The problem is not only is it all petty stuff that I have no control over, trying to do something about it only makes it worse. And I'm reeeeally tired of crying, and I'm reeeeally tired of being called unstable and being told I need help, and there's just nothing that can be done about it.
The best analogy is it's like being upset and deeply hurt that there are mountains in Tennessee. Short of extremely radical action, like razing the mountains, I have to hope I just get over it.

Shelby Jane wrote:

Thanks. Frankly, I'm just not sure how much more of feeling like this I can put up with
The problem is not only is it all petty stuff that I have no control over, trying to do something about it only makes it worse. And I'm reeeeally tired of crying, and I'm reeeeally tired of being called unstable and being told I need help, and there's just nothing that can be done about it.
The best analogy is it's like being upset and deeply hurt that there are mountains in Tennessee. Short of extremely radical action, like razing the mountains, I have to hope I just get over it.

I'll give some unsolicited advice: Don't "hope to get over it" work on getting past it.

Some more advice, for what it's worth. Get out in the sunshine. Take a walk in the sun every day. Find your place where you can be alone...just you and nature. Or a park. Or anywhere, really. Just so you get some time for you outside.

I do know the feelings you're going through. I get there a lot myself. Whether you need help or not, I can't say. I will say, though, that you can get past it. Starting the effort is the hardest part. It's like momentum...getting the ball rolling takes the most exertion but once it's going, it isn't so hard to keep it moving.

I'm here for you. I'll stay up late tonight if you need me to.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
I'll give some unsolicited advice: Don't "hope to get over it" work on getting past it.

Some more advice, for what it's worth. Get out in the sunshine. Take a walk in the sun every day. Find your place where you can be alone...just you and nature. Or a park. Or anywhere, really. Just so you get some time for you outside.

I do know the feelings you're going through. I get there a lot myself. Whether you need help or not, I can't say. I will say, though, that you can get past it. Starting the effort is the hardest part. It's like momentum...getting the ball rolling takes the most exertion but once it's going, it isn't so hard to keep it moving.

I'm here for you. I'll stay up late tonight if you need me to.

I just have no idea how to feel better. I've been running, cycling, and even dancing all day to keep endorphins up. It works for a few minutes, and then I'm back down at the bottom of the spiral.
The text I just sent to the only person I feel I have any real support from was this:
Wanna hear something really sad? A person whose first name I don't even know is offering to stay up to work on my problems with me. None of my friends even know I have problems.

And that second part is not for lack of trying. I've been trying to talk to my closer friends, but I think they just don't understand how bad it really is. My ex boyfriend did, now he doesn't want to talk to me or be near me.

I don't even know how to get started on working on this.

Shelby Jane wrote:

I just have no idea how to feel better. I've been running, cycling, and even dancing all day to keep endorphins up. It works for a few minutes, and then I'm back down at the bottom of the spiral.
The text I just sent to the only person I feel I have any real support from was this:
Wanna hear something really sad? A person whose first name I don't even know is offering to stay up to work on my problems with me. None of my friends even know I have problems.

And that second part is not for lack of trying. I've been trying to talk to my closer friends, but I think they just don't understand how bad it really is. My ex boyfriend did, now he doesn't want to talk to me or be near me.

I don't even know how to get started on working on this.

You CAN feel better!  There are many medications out there...including Cymbalta.  If it wasn't for being diagnosed with depression and taking Cymbalta, I wouldn't be typing this.

Sometimes our brain's chemistry messes up and needs a little help to balance out everything.

Shelby Jane wrote:
I don't even know how to get started on working on this.

I'll admit I'm no expert, but have you listed out the things that are making  you feel this way and looking at what you can change and what you can't change?

For the things you can change, you then start working on ideas and how long it takes to make the change, and the things you cant you work on how to move past that.

Shelby Jane wrote:

I just have no idea how to feel better. I've been running, cycling, and even dancing all day to keep endorphins up. It works for a few minutes, and then I'm back down at the bottom of the spiral.
The text I just sent to the only person I feel I have any real support from was this:
Wanna hear something really sad? A person whose first name I don't even know is offering to stay up to work on my problems with me. None of my friends even know I have problems.

And that second part is not for lack of trying. I've been trying to talk to my closer friends, but I think they just don't understand how bad it really is. My ex boyfriend did, now he doesn't want to talk to me or be near me.

I don't even know how to get started on working on this.

You get started by acknowledging you need to get started. You have done this. That's your first step. The next step is to try to define the problem. Without that, you can't work on a solution.

What has you down? Something going on in your life? Or is it more serious and depression-related? Can you pinpoint any one thing...or even a few things...that could be causing you to get down?

Do you cut? How are your eating habits? Do you socialize with people in your peer group often?

You don't have to answer those questions here. These are just meant to get you thinking about where the problem could be starting.

And my name is Mike. Nice to meetcha.

Zebadiah _MI wrote:
I'll admit I'm no expert, but have you listed out the things that are making  you feel this way and looking at what you can change and what you can't change?

For the things you can change, you then start working on ideas and how long it takes to make the change, and the things you cant you work on how to move past that.

I have. And unfortunately, they really are all things that I can do basically nothing about. I can't change how other people act towards me, and kicking them out of my life has actually made me feel worse.
And I desperately need to. It's been too hard to get to a doc
I'll get over it, I always do.

Shelby Jane wrote:
nothing about. I can't change how other people act towards me, and kicking them out of my life has actually made me feel worse.

I totally understand this.  I've got a few "friends" that are more "friends of convenience"
But miss them when I avoid them, because it's some social contact.

And I'm Mike too.  I mean, that's my name too, I'm not him too.  What a coincidence. 

Zebadiah _MI wrote:
I totally understand this.  I've got a few "friends" that are more "friends of convenience"
But miss them when I avoid them, because it's some social contact.

And I'm Mike too.  I mean, that's my name too, I'm not him too.  What a coincidence. 

I wrote a giant post and then deleted it. I'm tired of thinking about it and I'm tired of hearing about my 'teen angst', as it got so kindly called.

Thanks everyone.

Shelby Jane wrote:



I wrote a giant post and then deleted it. I'm tired of thinking about it and I'm tired of hearing about my 'teen angst', as it got so kindly called.

Thanks everyone.

"Teen angst" is a very real problem and shouldn't be taken lightly.

What makes you feel worse about kicking people out of your life? Is it because you miss the social interaction? Or is it because you value them more than you value yourself?

For me, it's more the latter than the former. I couldn't give 2 cents about myself, but I'm always putting other people's needs ahead of my own.

Model Instincts wrote:

You CAN feel better!  There are many medications out there...including Cymbalta.  If it wasn't for being diagnosed with depression and taking Cymbalta, I wouldn't be typing this.

Sometimes our brain's chemistry messes up and needs a little help to balance out everything.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
"Teen angst" is a very real problem and shouldn't be taken lightly.

What makes you feel worse about kicking people out of your life? Is it because you miss the social interaction? Or is it because you value them more than you value yourself?

For me, it's more the latter than the former. I couldn't give 2 cents about myself, but I'm always putting other people's needs ahead of my own.

It's both, really. I told my ex boyfriend to get the hell out of my life, and MAYBE he could come back when he learned to talk to people. And then felt guilty about it a few hours later and apologised. I hate being capricious.
The others...two 'friends' are no longer so, one because I was tired of her treating me like shit (this is van) and one who kicked ME out because I asked her to leave me alone to deal with how upset I was, but that I appreciated it (katelynn).

I wish Van and I were friends because in cutting her out, I stopped getting invited places she was going to be, etc. Katelynn, honestly I'm just pissed, she took my problem and made it about her.

Oh well.
I'll pulling an all-night tonight, having a hang out with one of the only people still worth being around at 6 AM, and then hopefully sleeping through what will otherwise be a dreadful day.

Shelby Jane wrote:

It's both, really. I told my ex boyfriend to get the hell out of my life, and MAYBE he could come back when he learned to talk to people. And then felt guilty about it a few hours later and apologised. I hate being capricious.
The others...two 'friends' are no longer so, one because I was tired of her treating me like shit (this is van) and one who kicked ME out because I asked her to leave me alone to deal with how upset I was, but that I appreciated it (katelynn).

I wish Van and I were friends because in cutting her out, I stopped getting invited places she was going to be, etc. Katelynn, honestly I'm just pissed, she took my problem and made it about her.

Oh well.
I'll pulling an all-night tonight, having a hang out with one of the only people still worth being around at 6 AM, and then hopefully sleeping through what will otherwise be a dreadful day.

*waits for all out screaming blog post*
write it all down if you want or draw silly pictures... even talk about who awesome Tori is... just recognize that it's a shitty feeling right now, but it's a low... something to come out of..

Shelby Jane wrote:

It's both, really. I told my ex boyfriend to get the hell out of my life, and MAYBE he could come back when he learned to talk to people. And then felt guilty about it a few hours later and apologised. I hate being capricious.
The others...two 'friends' are no longer so, one because I was tired of her treating me like shit (this is van) and one who kicked ME out because I asked her to leave me alone to deal with how upset I was, but that I appreciated it (katelynn).

I wish Van and I were friends because in cutting her out, I stopped getting invited places she was going to be, etc. Katelynn, honestly I'm just pissed, she took my problem and made it about her.

Oh well.
I'll pulling an all-night tonight, having a hang out with one of the only people still worth being around at 6 AM, and then hopefully sleeping through what will otherwise be a dreadful day.

You're like me. I tiptoe around so as not to hurt anyone's feelings while blindly ignoring my own feelings. In doing so, I hurt myself  and much more than I would have hurt the other person. I'm learning to deal with things and I'm working on being a little selfish now and then. It isn't easy. It's like trying to stop breathing.

Just remind yourself that you need to concentrate on your own happiness first. Then you can work on everyone else.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
You're like me. I tiptoe around so as not to hurt anyone's feelings while blindly ignoring my own feelings. In doing so, I hurt myself  and much more than I would have hurt the other person. I'm learning to deal with things and I'm working on being a little selfish now and then. It isn't easy. It's like trying to stop breathing.

Just remind yourself that you need to concentrate on your own happiness first. Then you can work on everyone else.

That's the plan!

Ugh, I'm having MONSTROUS itchy feet. I'm dying to get up into Asheville, NC, and I'm in one of those awful situations where if I play everything just right, I could do it.
I hate these situations
It's like, my friend from Asheville is coming down, and if I could hitch a ride back up with her, and stay with her or with the friend I'm really dying to see, and somehow get myself back down...yeah. Don't see it happening haha.

Shelby Jane wrote:
and somehow get myself back down...yeah. Don't see it happening haha.

greyhound? megabus? amtrak?
southwest air?

Zebadiah _MI wrote:
greyhound? megabus? amtrak?
southwest air?

I'd take a plane, but I frankly don't have all the money. if that was the ONLY problem, I could find a way--my mom would probably loan it to me. But I also don't want to force my presence (for housing) onto the friend coming down, because she didn't sound thrilled at the prospect, or the friend up there, who insists it'd be okay, but I've never met his family.
Every part of it is ALMOST solid

Kayelless wrote:

Shelby Jane wrote:
Well...if my friend will agree to let me ride up with her, I have a place to stay and (kind of surprisingly) would be able to afford a plane back down. So I might do this! /fingers crossed

YAAAAAAY!!!!!

My fingers are crossed too. Hope it works for ya.

Shelby Jane wrote:
Yup. Once again, tried to trust my ex. And he let me down. And I hate myself again.
It's how I feel at moments like these, and how much I despise myself, that I wish I could just be in a coma until things were better.

But....I would miss you.

Things will get better. You will be OK. I have faith in you.

C Russell Photography wrote:
Goodbye MM, I don't belong here, just like I don't belong anywhere.

These lyrics I leave you with. Nemo by Nightwish

"This is me for forever
One of the lost ones
The one without a name
Without an honest heart as compass

This is me for forever
One without a name
These lines the last endeavor
To find the missing lifeline

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything

My flower withered between
The pages two and three
The once and forever bloom gone with my sins

Walk the dark path
Sleep with angels
Call the past for help
Touch me with your love
And reveal to me my true name

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
Oh how I wish to dream again
Once and for all
And all for once
Nemo my name forevermore

Nemo sailing home
Nemo letting go

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I'd give my everything

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
Oh how I wish to dream again
Once and for all
And all for once
Nemo my name forevermore

My name forevermore"

:

Kayelless wrote:
My friend asked if I would share this.

When you suffer from depression, its easy to rely on your romantic partner to hold you up.  When a perfectly healthy and strong person allows themselves to be held up by someone else, its as if they're using a wheelchair to get around.  Their legs get weak.  And if someone takes that wheelchair away, they can't just stand up and walk on their own, because they've lost so much strength.  It takes leaning on something a little, leaning on other things or other people while getting a little exercise.  You fall a lot.  You cry a lot.  You're weak and vulnerable.  But you can walk again.

^^
Is very true

This is so true.  sometimes i know i rely on my partner too much.  I'm petrified of getting out into the world again to work and socialize but i know i HAVE to do it.  I can't fall into my little hole again, i have to claw my way out somehow.

Yelena Black wrote:
This thread is fantastic!

As someone who is emerging at the other side of suffering from severe panic attacks all i can say is it takes time (shit as that is) and good friends and family around you.

I always found that filling my time up and being constantly busy helped.

Thank you for starting this amazing thread!

Yelena x

Hi, sweetie.

Model Instincts wrote:
Okay, my birthday was depressing...it's not because I turned 31...but the fact that my friends, family, and co-workers didn't acknowedge it.

I'm not that bad of a person...I would give them the shirt off of my back.

It's not that birthdays are everything, but I didn't even get a dinner, a card or anything...which makes me reevaluate my life.

If I am not that important to be ackowledged, why am I here on Earth ?  I have accomplished many goals in life...including here on modelmayhem.

I had to call in from work today...because I am still distraught.  and probably lose my job for being absent from my depression.

NO ONE FUCKING CARES.

First, a (probably belated) Happy Birthday.

Second, it isn't you - it is them.  Some people don't remember most birthdays.  Some don't care. The only birthdays I remember are my sisters and a couple friends.  The only reason I can congratulate my parents on theirs is because I put it on my calendar.  Co-workers?  Forget it.  If the admin tracks birthdays, we celebrate them.  If not, we don't.

Third, if you've met all your goals, congratulations.  Now go make some more