Dannielle Levan wrote:
Bleh.  i told hubby not to save pics of models from here for his porn folder but he did it anyway   Really hurts that he didn't listen, i had my first major panic attack of the year on Tuesday night because of it :<
Still kinda pissed off.  I had to cancel that  model cos i know my results would be shitty if i went thru with it.

*major love*
My significant other and I have problems like that also...
So bad that I end up doing awful things.
And panic attacks are super shitty. I hate them with a passion.

I'm glad you guys made up somewhat.
I hope he listens this time!
it sounds funny saying that to someone other than my own boyfriend haha.

And your kitty is mega cute.. reminds me of Gigi from Kiki's Delivery Service!

Alan John Images wrote:
If you're creating this list as a public service to MM, I also think you should ascertain the quality of the organizations/links that you list. As someone who has worked in this field, I know that some services are better than others in regards to training of counselors, reliability, and general helpfulness. That is a difficult task for one person, but without it, a list such as the one you're compiling may not be particularly helpful--especially if someone is in a true crisis and need fast, competent help.  Some organization/groups have 'hotlines' and other services that are defunct or go out of business. You wouldn't want someone trying to contact a site or phone number only to get a 'disconnect' notice.

Good and valid point; however these lists of assistance lines as provided by the OP can only be regarded as suggestions as a starting place to seek help and not the only locations.  Additionally, the strongest effort being provided by this thread is to build a group of others familiar with these issues through personal experience.  Our main goal is to help provide support by giving them someone who can relate to them.  Beyond that we can do only so much in this virtual world.  Thanks for your suggestion and input.

If you have good experience with such matter, please feel free to hang around.  One never can tell when one may be of assistance to another.

Kayelless wrote:
*huggs*
I don't like that.  Are you fighting back or doin' good to hold the fort right now?

Yeah, I've been trying pretty hard to be more open than usual (which isn't hard, because I'm usually like a nailed-up box as far as talkability goes).

I'm trying not to assume much, buuuuttttt....my parents have been divorced for about seven years (I live with my dad). My mother's husband (who I hate and who she secretly married and didn't tell me for a year) is a total jackass. We have been convinced from the beginning that he was beating her. (After all, it's difficult to 'slip' with enough force to break three ribs, as she tried to tell me she did at thirteen or so). Then he was arrested for it and we knew for sure. Well, my mother (who has a drinking problem) has a tendency to call a lot while less than sober and ask me if she can come home.
Saturday, she did, in fact, come home. She stayed the weekend and part of today, and then went back.
She can't support herself on her own, so she can't leave her husband.
But this morning around seven, I woke up hearing my parents actually talking to each other (long time since I've heard that). My dad was telling her not to go back, she can transfer records and to doctors here, etc etc.

I mean, she's back with her husband right now, but I'm hopeful. Probably too hopeful, but daaaaamn, I don't have very much to hope for in life!

Still sick as a dog, but I finally found out what it was (a med I'm taking lowers my blood iron, so all my nausea/fatigue/headaches/etc are a result of iron defiency). so I can start working on that, hopefully.

Sorry for the novel, thanks everyone for the hugs and the help!

Sanguine Jackal wrote:
Everytime something seems to be getting better, something comes along and makes it much much worse.

I got into a fight with my boyfriend the other night. Then I got my mail and saw the tickets to go visit him and thought, well maybe I can still make it up there and we'll both feel better.

Then I opened letter after letter of "Your student loans go into repayment on:" and finally, the breaker....

"The Student Financial Aid and Scholarship Committee met today and considered your appeal. After reviewing your letter, any supporting documentation provided and your academic transcript, the consensus of the committee members was to deny your request."

So I can't get the financial aid I need to go back to school. Even if I got a Pell grant, the school would reject it and send the money back (I already asked). My credit, since I'm so far in debt, isn't good enough to get a private loan either.

So today, it's finally too much. I've suggested to my boyfriend that he move on and find someone who will make him happy because I'm obviously not. I've already started on my mom's bottle of Jack Daniels' and I just want to drink until I forget everything.

I'm so sorry. I've been looking for scholarships that I'm eligible for for the last hour, it's mind-numbing and makes me panic that I'll never go past high school. Hang in there! And while I understand the drinking impulse, it may help now, but later on you'll feel worse. You can do it!

Sanguine Jackal wrote:
Everytime something seems to be getting better, something comes along and makes it much much worse.

I got into a fight with my boyfriend the other night. Then I got my mail and saw the tickets to go visit him and thought, well maybe I can still make it up there and we'll both feel better.

Then I opened letter after letter of "Your student loans go into repayment on:" and finally, the breaker....

"The Student Financial Aid and Scholarship Committee met today and considered your appeal. After reviewing your letter, any supporting documentation provided and your academic transcript, the consensus of the committee members was to deny your request."

So I can't get the financial aid I need to go back to school. Even if I got a Pell grant, the school would reject it and send the money back (I already asked). My credit, since I'm so far in debt, isn't good enough to get a private loan either.

So today, it's finally too much. I've suggested to my boyfriend that he move on and find someone who will make him happy because I'm obviously not. I've already started on my mom's bottle of Jack Daniels' and I just want to drink until I forget everything.

Sounds like life's beating you up pretty hard - why is your response to beat yourself up even harder?  You're ditching your boyfriend and becoming an alcoholic because you can't get financial aid?  Not having enough money is not the end of the world.  It's not even the day before the end of the world.  Repeat after me - unconditional self-acceptance.  UNCONDITIONAL self-acceptance.  unconditional self-ACCEPTANCE.  You know how people sometimes say "don't measure yourself by other people's standards?"  Well, I say, "don't measure yourself AT ALL."  There is nothing in this world that is so important that it can negate your right to be happy in your own skin.

And if you think that's all balderdash, then... *hugs*.  Hang in there, we've got your back.

Shelby Jane wrote:

Yeah, I've been trying pretty hard to be more open than usual (which isn't hard, because I'm usually like a nailed-up box as far as talkability goes).

I'm trying not to assume much, buuuuttttt....my parents have been divorced for about seven years (I live with my dad). My mother's husband (who I hate and who she secretly married and didn't tell me for a year) is a total jackass. We have been convinced from the beginning that he was beating her. (After all, it's difficult to 'slip' with enough force to break three ribs, as she tried to tell me she did at thirteen or so). Then he was arrested for it and we knew for sure. Well, my mother (who has a drinking problem) has a tendency to call a lot while less than sober and ask me if she can come home.
Saturday, she did, in fact, come home. She stayed the weekend and part of today, and then went back.
She can't support herself on her own, so she can't leave her husband.
But this morning around seven, I woke up hearing my parents actually talking to each other (long time since I've heard that). My dad was telling her not to go back, she can transfer records and to doctors here, etc etc.

I mean, she's back with her husband right now, but I'm hopeful. Probably too hopeful, but daaaaamn, I don't have very much to hope for in life!

Still sick as a dog, but I finally found out what it was (a med I'm taking lowers my blood iron, so all my nausea/fatigue/headaches/etc are a result of iron defiency). so I can start working on that, hopefully.

Sorry for the novel, thanks everyone for the hugs and the help!

Nah, it's cool that you said anything at all. Sometimes it's just what's on our minds.

Lawrence Guy wrote:
Sounds like life's beating you up pretty hard - why is your response to beat yourself up even harder?  You're ditching your boyfriend and becoming an alcoholic because you can't get financial aid?  Not having enough money is not the end of the world.  It's not even the day before the end of the world.  Repeat after me - unconditional self-acceptance.  UNCONDITIONAL self-acceptance.  unconditional self-ACCEPTANCE.  You know how people sometimes say "don't measure yourself by other people's standards?"  Well, I say, "don't measure yourself AT ALL."  There is nothing in this world that is so important that it can negate your right to be happy in your own skin.

And if you think that's all balderdash, then... *hugs*.  Hang in there, we've got your back.

It's not just financial aid, it's all of it piling up, everything. He broke up with me last night, and because I was drinking he started up too and said some very hurtful things.... I haven't cried so much in a long time... He did sober up and apologize, and told me he didn't want our relationship to end, but he's got some thinking to do. I told him after some of the things he said last night, we've got some talking to do if he decides he still wants me.

One thing he always gets mad at me for is blaming myself. He gets mad and tells me to stop. Unfortunately, I grew up with an abusive stepfather and that was a sort of defense mechanism, if you will. I always apologized for everything even if it wasn't my fault- and still got in trouble.

The household I grew up in, I was consistently told how stupid and useless I was. After a while, when you're young you begin to believe it. So I'm often self-depricating, and even though I've been growing out of that and being overly apologetic, when I'm depressed and scared I relapse into my old ways.

I love my boyfriend, I love him to death. I wanted to grow old with him and have a family with him. That was my little bit of happiness through all the hard times I'm having, even though I've always kept trucking along like I always do sometime the engine's gonna  run out of gas.

EDIT: I just came to the conclusion that always trying to make everyone else happy and not myself, spreading myself thin, has finally gotten to me. Trying to hold onto my boyfriend of nearly 2 years, simply because I love him and don't want to lose him, is the only really selfish thing I'm doing for MYSELF.

Julia Gold wrote:

*major love*
My significant other and I have problems like that also...
So bad that I end up doing awful things.
And panic attacks are super shitty. I hate them with a passion.

I'm glad you guys made up somewhat.
I hope he listens this time!
it sounds funny saying that to someone other than my own boyfriend haha.

And your kitty is mega cute.. reminds me of Gigi from Kiki's Delivery Service!

Sanguine Jackal wrote:
EDIT: I just came to the conclusion that always trying to make everyone else happy and not myself, spreading myself thin, has finally gotten to me. Trying to hold onto my boyfriend of nearly 2 years, simply because I love him and don't want to lose him, is the only really selfish thing I'm doing for MYSELF.

Well, let me be one of the people to tell you that it's alright for you to put yourself first.  Once you have yourself together, go ahead and help others - but not if it means it hurts you.  It's OK to be selfish like this.  In fact, it's healthy.

Scottsworld71 wrote:
what to do when the reality of being a pretty big fucking loser starts to sink in ...

Rearrange the qualifications for what determines a loser.

Julia Gold wrote:
So my finals are a downer. I might fail english, and will most likely fail physics. I hate failing at everything. I hate school. I hate my mom giving me that reverse psychology crap all the time. I feel like I will never amount to anything to anyone. I'm fat, ugly, break out at every little thing and touch, no one likes me, I have no real friends I can confide to, I really don't have anyone. My boyfriend doesn't even listen to my problems. He yelled at my for blocking to TV today when I was opening a pack of Milano cookies that I bought for him 
Then stormed off making me feel horrible.

I really hate complaining I really do. But I really don't feel like I belong here anymore. I really just wanted to lay on my bed and disappear. All I want to be is happy, but that doesn't even seem plausible.
I've also been feeling the excessive wanting to chop my legs off. I really do. I feel like they jiggle at every step I take, and I'm being weighed down by them. They're so fat and gross when I look at myself I vomit. I hate my height and my face. I've been picking at my face recently, which I know will make it worse but I hate all the little demons that pop out of it.
No one thinks i'm pretty (and no i'm not fishing for compliments), and I really just want to disappear. I'm sick and tired of all of this. I want to be able to make others happy, and help the others who are more in need than I am, but how can I when I feel so shitty!
I try to be optimistic I do! But i'm so tired of everyone treating me like shit because i'm always so "happy". Just because you do drugs and moan about how bad your life is while wearing shirts that say Pink Floyd on them doesn't make you king of misery! (in reference to people I hang out with....) You guys don't even have a job while I two! Jebus! And I still don't ever complain... (except times like this ah hah...)
/rant.

Ugh and now I feel bad for typing all of this. And bad that I have no where else to run but MM typing this out on the computer =/ Pa-the-tic

Wow.  You're REALLY good at beating yourself up.  You are not Atlas, you do not need to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.  You do not need to judge yourself by the standards of other people; in fact, I would advise you not to judge yourself at all.  You DO need to see a therapist, particularly because of the desire to cut off your legs - that's a rather rare disorder that I believe only affects a few thousand people in the US.  I could be wrong on the numbers, but I was reading about it once and the source I was looking at stated that about 300 people have actually gone through with it - and almost all of them deeply regretted it.

Even discounting the rarity of the urge, the fact that you are thinking of harming yourself so drastically means you need to seek help.  Your school should provide very basic services that will help you get in contact with the help you need.

It sounds like you are driving yourself too hard and want everything to be "perfect."  Things will never be perfect, so it's okay to go at a slower pace.

And you are not pa-the-tic.  That's a judgment that you're making based on your perceptions of what the world expects of you.  Fuck the world - live for yourself.

*hugs*

- Rose - wrote:
Hi there, this is my first time actually posting here. I have a really hard time talking about my feelings but maybe the support here will help me. At the least I'm gonna try.

Hi Rose.  Welcome and make yourself comfortable.  Read the thread and see what other people have exposed about themselves; it'll make it easier for you to talk, if you want.

- Rose - wrote:
Hi there, this is my first time actually posting here. I have a really hard time talking about my feelings but maybe the support here will help me. At the least I'm gonna try.

hi and welcome :-)

JenniferMarieJosephine wrote:

what's up champ?

- Rose - wrote:
Hi there, this is my first time actually posting here. I have a really hard time talking about my feelings but maybe the support here will help me. At the least I'm gonna try.

If you ever need someone to rant to and type based on pure emotion, you can PM me!
Hope you feel better from whatever is getting you down.

Lawrence Guy wrote:
Wow.  You're REALLY good at beating yourself up.  You are not Atlas, you do not need to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.  You do not need to judge yourself by the standards of other people; in fact, I would advise you not to judge yourself at all.  You DO need to see a therapist, particularly because of the desire to cut off your legs - that's a rather rare disorder that I believe only affects a few thousand people in the US.  I could be wrong on the numbers, but I was reading about it once and the source I was looking at stated that about 300 people have actually gone through with it - and almost all of them deeply regretted it.

Even discounting the rarity of the urge, the fact that you are thinking of harming yourself so drastically means you need to seek help.  Your school should provide very basic services that will help you get in contact with the help you need.

It sounds like you are driving yourself too hard and want everything to be "perfect."  Things will never be perfect, so it's okay to go at a slower pace.

And you are not pa-the-tic.  That's a judgment that you're making based on your perceptions of what the world expects of you.  Fuck the world - live for yourself.

*hugs*

I don't want to see a therapist mainly because... well actually it wouldn't hurt to see someone. But I guess what I don't want is letting someone know I want to. The thing I hate and 'fear' the most is people thinking I'm self pitying myself. Or wanting everyone to feel bad for me or something along those lines. I don't want to be considered one of those people that self diagnose themselves with like depression just to get attention or whatever.
I don't know really... I just want to be happy that's all. And lose weight *coughcough* haha.
*hugs* thanks for the kind words. Yeah fuck the world. But still...
I can't help but compare myself to everything. I think i'm just complaining. Bleehhhhhh

Lawrence Guy wrote:
Screw what people think.  I have yet to meet a person whose opinion of me is worth more than my own health.

As for giving the impression that you're looking for attention, I worried about the same thing.  My solution is to not talk about my experiences unless a conversation naturally reaches a point where it makes sense for me to mention them.  I don't wear my issues on my sleeve, but I don't hide them either.

Mm it's easy to say, but it's something that's super hard to ignore. For me anyways.

That's what I do also, although I lean more toward the "helping side" and usually am the comforter.

Julia Gold wrote:

Mm it's easy to say, but it's something that's super hard to ignore. For me anyways.

That's what I do also, although I lean more toward the "helping side" and usually am the comforter.

Yeah, I know things are easy to say.  Say it enough and eventually they get easy (well, easier) to do.  Nothing ever works out perfectly; the key is being happy when it's good enough.

Alan John Images wrote:
If you're creating this list as a public service to MM, I also think you should ascertain the quality of the organizations/links that you list. As someone who has worked in this field, I know that some services are better than others in regards to training of counselors, reliability, and general helpfulness. That is a difficult task for one person, but without it, a list such as the one you're compiling may not be particularly helpful--especially if someone is in a true crisis and need fast, competent help.  Some organization/groups have 'hotlines' and other services that are defunct or go out of business. You wouldn't want someone trying to contact a site or phone number only to get a 'disconnect' notice.

Thanks, Alan. I hope you decide to hang out in this thread with us.

Unfortunately, the Original Post can't be changed since the person who posted it no longer has an account on MM so it can't be updated.

Julia Gold wrote:

*major love*
My significant other and I have problems like that also...
So bad that I end up doing awful things.
And panic attacks are super shitty. I hate them with a passion.

I'm glad you guys made up somewhat.
I hope he listens this time!
it sounds funny saying that to someone other than my own boyfriend haha.

And your kitty is mega cute.. reminds me of Gigi from Kiki's Delivery Service!

Hey....how are ya? Hangin' in there?

Shelby Jane wrote:

Yeah, I've been trying pretty hard to be more open than usual (which isn't hard, because I'm usually like a nailed-up box as far as talkability goes).

I'm trying not to assume much, buuuuttttt....my parents have been divorced for about seven years (I live with my dad). My mother's husband (who I hate and who she secretly married and didn't tell me for a year) is a total jackass. We have been convinced from the beginning that he was beating her. (After all, it's difficult to 'slip' with enough force to break three ribs, as she tried to tell me she did at thirteen or so). Then he was arrested for it and we knew for sure. Well, my mother (who has a drinking problem) has a tendency to call a lot while less than sober and ask me if she can come home.
Saturday, she did, in fact, come home. She stayed the weekend and part of today, and then went back.
She can't support herself on her own, so she can't leave her husband.
But this morning around seven, I woke up hearing my parents actually talking to each other (long time since I've heard that). My dad was telling her not to go back, she can transfer records and to doctors here, etc etc.

I mean, she's back with her husband right now, but I'm hopeful. Probably too hopeful, but daaaaamn, I don't have very much to hope for in life!

Still sick as a dog, but I finally found out what it was (a med I'm taking lowers my blood iron, so all my nausea/fatigue/headaches/etc are a result of iron defiency). so I can start working on that, hopefully.

Sorry for the novel, thanks everyone for the hugs and the help!

Wow! So sorry all that is going on in your life.

I hope your med problem is solved so you can get to feeling better. This is the time of year to feel great and get out and do things.

Hugs.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:

Thanks, Alan. I hope you decide to hang out in this thread with us.

Unfortunately, the Original Post can't be changed since the person who posted it no longer has an account on MM so it can't be updated.

Maybe we could contact site management and get ownership of the OP transferred to an active member.  It's probably just a database field.

Sanguine Jackal wrote:
Everytime something seems to be getting better, something comes along and makes it much much worse.

I got into a fight with my boyfriend the other night. Then I got my mail and saw the tickets to go visit him and thought, well maybe I can still make it up there and we'll both feel better.

Then I opened letter after letter of "Your student loans go into repayment on:" and finally, the breaker....

"The Student Financial Aid and Scholarship Committee met today and considered your appeal. After reviewing your letter, any supporting documentation provided and your academic transcript, the consensus of the committee members was to deny your request."

So I can't get the financial aid I need to go back to school. Even if I got a Pell grant, the school would reject it and send the money back (I already asked). My credit, since I'm so far in debt, isn't good enough to get a private loan either.

So today, it's finally too much. I've suggested to my boyfriend that he move on and find someone who will make him happy because I'm obviously not. I've already started on my mom's bottle of Jack Daniels' and I just want to drink until I forget everything.

Please don't destroy yourself from a few bumps in the road. If you have to take a year off from college to get your life back together, then it may end up being a blessing if you look at it the right way.

Please take good care of yourself. Don't give in to the negative. We're here for you.

Lawrence Guy wrote:

Sounds like life's beating you up pretty hard - why is your response to beat yourself up even harder?  You're ditching your boyfriend and becoming an alcoholic because you can't get financial aid?  Not having enough money is not the end of the world.  It's not even the day before the end of the world.  Repeat after me - unconditional self-acceptance.  UNCONDITIONAL self-acceptance.  unconditional self-ACCEPTANCE.  You know how people sometimes say "don't measure yourself by other people's standards?"  Well, I say, "don't measure yourself AT ALL."  There is nothing in this world that is so important that it can negate your right to be happy in your own skin.

And if you think that's all balderdash, then... *hugs*.  Hang in there, we've got your back.

You're awesome, LG. Totally awesome!

Sanguine Jackal wrote:

It's not just financial aid, it's all of it piling up, everything. He broke up with me last night, and because I was drinking he started up too and said some very hurtful things.... I haven't cried so much in a long time... He did sober up and apologize, and told me he didn't want our relationship to end, but he's got some thinking to do. I told him after some of the things he said last night, we've got some talking to do if he decides he still wants me.

One thing he always gets mad at me for is blaming myself. He gets mad and tells me to stop. Unfortunately, I grew up with an abusive stepfather and that was a sort of defense mechanism, if you will. I always apologized for everything even if it wasn't my fault- and still got in trouble.

The household I grew up in, I was consistently told how stupid and useless I was. After a while, when you're young you begin to believe it. So I'm often self-depricating, and even though I've been growing out of that and being overly apologetic, when I'm depressed and scared I relapse into my old ways.

I love my boyfriend, I love him to death. I wanted to grow old with him and have a family with him. That was my little bit of happiness through all the hard times I'm having, even though I've always kept trucking along like I always do sometime the engine's gonna  run out of gas.

EDIT: I just came to the conclusion that always trying to make everyone else happy and not myself, spreading myself thin, has finally gotten to me. Trying to hold onto my boyfriend of nearly 2 years, simply because I love him and don't want to lose him, is the only really selfish thing I'm doing for MYSELF.

This is my biggest problem too. I'm 40 years old and just now starting to do things for me. Funny thing is, I'm now much more capable of doing for others since I'm more relaxed.

Good luck with everything. Definitely pull back from it all and evaluate where you are and where you want to be, then go from there.

Beaute de LeDeux wrote:
i feel good and hope you all feel the same

YAAAAAAY!!!!!!

Keep at it. And please, keep posting here. Positive energy helps.

- Rose - wrote:
Hi there, this is my first time actually posting here. I have a really hard time talking about my feelings but maybe the support here will help me. At the least I'm gonna try.

That's all we can do....try.

Welcome, Rose. You are most welcome here. Don't feel like you can't talk freely.

Stacey Valli wrote:
i'm feeling alot better recently however i'm still in the shit.

A good good friend of mine is giving me money to help me out and is on the lookout for a job for me.

He said that there is a very very good chance that it will happen with a friend of his just a case of when, I can't rely on him next month and I hope the hours will come back.

It's fucking ridiculous that i'm not getting my hours because I was sick.

ugh.

I certainly hope all works out for you, Stacey. In the meantime, maybe you can take this as an opportunity to try out something else to make money. Something maybe you've always wanted to do or something you really enjoy that has potential.

Lots of hugs to you. Best luck.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:

That's all we can do....try.

Welcome, Rose. You are most welcome here. Don't feel like you can't talk freely.

Thanks everyone for the kind welcome. That's why I'm here, because I think it will be easier on the computer instead of face to face. And the stories I've read here will hopefully make me more comfortable sharing mine. Thanks and I'll definitely hang out here more often.