Pathogenic Confessions wrote:
It should be a good day. It is Dean and I's 6 year anniversary

It sucks that I am soo tired though. I have been staying up late, getting up early and the sleep I have been getting isn't even worth it.

2 papers, 1 quiz, 1 final and some extra credit in 1 week and I am done

Not to be a downer, but I've noticed that you tend to focus on the negatives... I understand how hard it is to look for positives.  Still the negatives are not the issue... if you really want things to feel better you need to confront where it comes from.. circumstances are the challenges, but they are not the source of the problems.

Pathogenic Confessions wrote:
It should be a good day. It is Dean and I's 6 year anniversary

It sucks that I am soo tired though. I have been staying up late, getting up early and the sleep I have been getting isn't even worth it.

2 papers, 1 quiz, 1 final and some extra credit in 1 week and I am done

It seems to me that you are doing great!  This is only for a short time that you are losing sleep, and it will be done.  Congratulations!  I will think positive thoughts for you over the weekend.  Best wishes!

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:

Good luck, Danielle. You'll be fine.

Thanks   Love your new av, btw.

Julia Gold wrote:
I need help.
But I hate when I have no one to talk to.
And end up talking to myself and then breaking out horribly because I yell.
It's not fun.
And I hate that when you call a suicide hotline, a answering machine answers and not a real person...

Do you need someone to talk to?

PM sent.

Julia Gold wrote:
I need help.
But I hate when I have no one to talk to.
And end up talking to myself and then breaking out horribly because I yell.
It's not fun.
And I hate that when you call a suicide hotline, a answering machine answers and not a real person...

Get to a hospital.  Seriously, if you were suffering from any other imminently life-threatening danger you'd go.  If you're calling the suicide hotline, you're at the point that you need to see a doctor.

God bless you and stay alive.

Lawrence Guy wrote:
So yesterday was the one-year anniversary of my discharge from the hospital, and to celebrate I had an anxiety attack.  I felt it coming and did some mental exercises to keep it from turning into a full-blown panic attack, but it was still fairly bad.  All the same thoughts that put me in the hospital a year ago were going through my head.

There was one interesting new twist.  I found that self-pity can actually break me out of the anxiety attack for a few seconds.  At two different points I thought to myself "I'll never be able to get what I want out of life," and I started tearing up.  Thing is, the anxiety lifted while I was crying.  But I only cried for a few seconds before my anti-grief mechanisms kicked in and stopped the tears.  Then I was back in the anxiety attack.

I think at least three things led to the attack.  First, it's the one-year anniversary, so I was "reminiscing" I guess, and that brought me toward the dark side of my mind.  Second, I had a REALLY long day, a head- and neck-ache, and general physical discomfort.  Third, recently my doctors and I decided to experiment by reducing my dosage of Lithium.

It was just the same thought that did it: maybe I'm always going to feel this way.

It's a shitheaded thought, since I've done really well over the last year, but when you get into that fucking state of mind all you see is the immediate present.

Hugs. I'm with you. Stay with us.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
Hugs. I'm with you. Stay with us.

Thanks, and don't worry.  It's not an acute crisis.  I'm calling my doctor tomorrow to try to see him immediately and get back on my previous med schedule, and then we'll look a little closer at what's going on in my head that triggered this.  Mostly I think it's anxiety about money, my new business, and my complete and utter lack of a social life (I'm a late-life virgin, and soon I'll be 37 and the feelings that provokes just get worse with every birthday).

Anyway, this kind of caged-animal feeling provokes the kind of introspection that usually leads to new insights, so it's not all bad.

I've got lots of immediate support and as I said, this isn't an acute crisis.  I'm just agitated and distracted at this point - more worried that something is GOING to happen than about what's going on right now.

I can accept the empty places in my life.  I'm just criticizing myself for not being more active at filling them up, and feeling like I'll NEVER fill them up.  But that's not true at all; I've already started reorganizing aspects of my life in the last 12 hours to try address this new low.  I'm probably changing part of my business model (the part that stresses me out and sucks up time), I've reposted my resume to see if I can get a part-time programming job to deal with the money concerns, and I'm making more of an effort to find meetup groups that might help me.  I'll be talking to my pharmocologist about medications for social phobias, as well as getting my Lithium dose back to where it was six weeks ago.  I'll be talking to my therapist about the fact that I've been closing up and saying that everything is OK, when there are really lurking monsters.  And I'll write a little more here, as it helps calm me just to talk.

This thread is great, and all of you are royalty.  God bless everyone.

Lawrence Guy wrote:
I just talked to my psychiatrist on the phone.  We've decided to go back on my previous Lithium schedule and keep my existing appointment for next week.

I'm feeling pretty much back to normal today, but am still a little shaken by what I consider to be a minor relapse.

Anyway, that's my news.  I hope everyone else is successfully slaying their demons.

Guy

Awesome. I'm so happy to hear this.

I turned 40 today. It was actually really insignificant. Not at all like I dreaded. It's just another day. My son got me a bday cake.

Demonika Devour wrote:
i almost did a search for this thread the other day

Bookmark it. Then you don't have to worry about it.

Natasha240 wrote:
:::Hugs to all::: There is a lot of heavy shit going on over here, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet. But what is surprising is that I am the one who is handeling it the best, go figure that one.

Maybe not so surprising; you're used to handling heavy shit. *hugs*

Lawrence Guy wrote:
I have one bit of good news in my life: my mom ISN'T going blind.  We had thought for the last month that she had a degenerative eye disease, but she just got back from a specialist and it looks like she's okay.  So that's one less anxiety for me.

Good news is good news!

Stacey Valli wrote:
I've always thought I had an on-off relationship with depression.

Every so often I get really down.

Sometimes life just gets hard.

Same here.  Lately it's just like 'FUCK!!  Why does life have to make things so goddamn hard?!'

Stacey Valli wrote:
I've always thought I had an on-off relationship with depression.

Every so often I get really down.

Sometimes life just gets hard.

Glad to see you here, Stacey, although I'm sorry about the reason you're here.

Yeah, depression isn't really a constant thing.  Season, situation, chemical rythms, etc. all can make it a roller-coaster.  The key question you need to ask is, "are these feelings interfering with my ability to live my life."  If they are, you deserve to get yourself treated.  Yes, "deserve" is the right word.  Why let yourself suffer when there could be an alternative?  Why struggle just to be able to feel normal?

Even just knowing what kind of depression you suffer from (situational, seasonal, clinical, bipolar, dysthymia, etc), or if you suffer from one of the many anxiety disorders (which in my opinion are worse), can help you cope with your emotions more easily.

I'm always advocating getting treatment.  From what I know of you already, I'd say you should definitely schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist (NOT a CSW, but a bona-fide MD).  You were too close to the dark side the other night to try to go it alone.

God bless you and keep us posted.

Dannielle Levan wrote:
Same here.  Lately it's just like 'FUCK!!  Why does life have to make things so goddamn hard?!'

A lot of it is the fuckin' recession.  Also, even though Spring is a wonderful season, those allergens in the air can have effects on our moods.  And then, life also makes things pretty goddamn hard.

I've said this before in this thread, but it bears repeating.

A year ago during my acute crisis, when I was pacing in my office before anyone showed up for work, I stopped and asked myself, quite angrily, "why can't I stop and smell the roses?"  And then the negative side of me said "because there aren't any roses."  Well, I had a small epiphany then.  I didn't want to take that shit, so I said "there MUST be roses."  What I meant was this:  either I'm surrounded by roses and not seeing them, or I need to make my own roses.

So life is dumping manure on us.  Roses grow better in manure.

I come to this thread and I see people in pain, but I also see miracles.  Dozens of people reach out and lift others up.  Even when they suffer themselves, they come here to help others feel better.  Life might make some things hard, but here's a place where people are trying to make life easier.  Enjoy the magic of it, these glowing roses in the darkness.

Lawrence Guy wrote:

Glad to see you here, Stacey, although I'm sorry about the reason you're here.

Yeah, depression isn't really a constant thing.  Season, situation, chemical rythms, etc. all can make it a roller-coaster.  The key question you need to ask is, "are these feelings interfering with my ability to live my life."  If they are, you deserve to get yourself treated.  Yes, "deserve" is the right word.  Why let yourself suffer when there could be an alternative?  Why struggle just to be able to feel normal?

Even just knowing what kind of depression you suffer from (situational, seasonal, clinical, bipolar, dysthymia, etc), or if you suffer from one of the many anxiety disorders (which in my opinion are worse), can help you cope with your emotions more easily.

I'm always advocating getting treatment.  From what I know of you already, I'd say you should definitely schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist (NOT a CSW, but a bona-fide MD).  You were too close to the dark side the other night to try to go it alone.

God bless you and keep us posted.

My mother is Bipolar, and I often see alot of her traits within me.

I'm generally a positive person but as I said I think I over-reacted when I said that, I am quite hesitant in going to someone and being diagnosed with depression/bipolar etc etc.. as I don't want it to affect my employment chances.

I can be quite happy but if work is affecting my moods obviously i'm going to be quite emotional over losing my house etc..

Stacey Valli wrote:
My mother is Bipolar, and I often see alot of her traits within me.

I'm generally a positive person but as I said I think I over-reacted when I said that, I am quite hesitant in going to someone and being diagnosed with depression/bipolar etc etc.. as I don't want it to affect my employment chances.

I can be quite happy but if work is affecting my moods obviously i'm going to be quite emotional over losing my house etc..

I'll only say one last thing and then leave it be: anyone who has ever said that they wanted to kill themselves has overreacted.  That doesn't make it any less dangerous.

And with that, I shall no longer give you unsolicited advice!  Only my best wishes and prayers.

Guy

Stacey Valli wrote:
I thought i'd check in and post this saying

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

Things seem to be looking like it could be up, my father has said he's interested in giving me money to set up a business and guide me through it.

I hope it all works out. (Fingers crossed)

*huggs*

Pathogenic Confessions wrote:
The anxiety is slowly melting away.

It feels good and I can't wait to go back to my normal level of anxiety.


I can't wait for vacation!

You've made me smile.

Isn't it wonderful?

Shelby Jane wrote:
Things have been really awful lately. They're not bad originally, on their own, but then I just sit there and make them worse and worse in my head than they ever actually were.
I'm not great right now.

Have you been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder?  They tend to have that effect.  If that's what it is then there are highly effective medications available.  If not... *hugs*. 

Well, *hugs* anyway.

Dannielle Levan wrote:
Bleh.  i told hubby not to save pics of models from here for his porn folder but he did it anyway   Really hurts that he didn't listen, i had my first major panic attack of the year on Tuesday night because of it :<
Still kinda pissed off.  I had to cancel that  model cos i know my results would be shitty if i went thru with it.

First of all, *hugs*.  Panic attacks are the fuckin' worst.
Second, are you feeling better?

Shelby Jane wrote:
Things have been really awful lately. They're not bad originally, on their own, but then I just sit there and make them worse and worse in my head than they ever actually were.
I'm not great right now.

*huggs*
I don't like that.  Are you fighting back or doin' good to hold the fort right now?

Dannielle Levan wrote:
Bleh.  i told hubby not to save pics of models from here for his porn folder but he did it anyway   Really hurts that he didn't listen, i had my first major panic attack of the year on Tuesday night because of it :<
Still kinda pissed off.  I had to cancel that  model cos i know my results would be shitty if i went thru with it.

Shelby Jane wrote:
Things have been really awful lately. They're not bad originally, on their own, but then I just sit there and make them worse and worse in my head than they ever actually were.
I'm not great right now.

Hugzzzz and lots of love to you both. Just remember we're here for you. We're all in this together.

I hope everything works out for you both.

Lawrence Guy wrote:

First of all, *hugs*.  Panic attacks are the fuckin' worst.
Second, are you feeling better?

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
Hugzzzz and lots of love to you both. Just remember we're here for you. We're all in this together.

I hope everything works out for you both.

Thanks   Yeah, we made up somewhat.  You guys are so sweet