Photographer
Photons 2 Pixels Images
Posts: 17011
Berwick, Pennsylvania, US
Paul Bryson Photography wrote:
Welcome to the REAL Mayhem! 
And you also have my support. Depression sucks. I was actually in a deep funk a couple weeks ago; but fortunately had a couple local friends to help pull me through. 
Photographer
Star Child
Posts: 39289
Nashville, Tennessee, US
Kelly Kooper wrote:
This subject has been an ongoing issue in my life also - it' wonderful to see so much support and concern from likeminded people. One day they'll discover why creative people are more prone to anxiety and depression that the 'left brain' people but either way, I suppose it is just our personal battle to fight. Everyone has a different challenge in their life and I can accept that this is mine.
I've found comfort in researching and learning as much about it as I can. The most scared I've ever been is in situations where I haven't known anything or as much as I could have to make an informed decision about my next move. Reach out when you need to, learn as much as you can about your personal issue and find a role model in your life, someone who inspires and motivates you.
Anything is possible in the right frame of mind. 
Photographer
LeDeux Art
Posts: 50123
San Ramon, California, US
Photographer
LeDeux Art
Posts: 50123
San Ramon, California, US
Photographer
Star Child
Posts: 39289
Nashville, Tennessee, US
LeDeux Art wrote:
i feel good LeDeux Art wrote:
the cloud is lifting for a minute there I thought you was breakin' into a James Brown song, but it's still much good news.
Photographer
Photons 2 Pixels Images
Posts: 17011
Berwick, Pennsylvania, US
Kelly Kooper wrote:
This subject has been an ongoing issue in my life also - it' wonderful to see so much support and concern from likeminded people. One day they'll discover why creative people are more prone to anxiety and depression that the 'left brain' people but either way, I suppose it is just our personal battle to fight. Everyone has a different challenge in their life and I can accept that this is mine.
I've found comfort in researching and learning as much about it as I can. The most scared I've ever been is in situations where I haven't known anything or as much as I could have to make an informed decision about my next move. Reach out when you need to, learn as much as you can about your personal issue and find a role model in your life, someone who inspires and motivates you.
Anything is possible in the right frame of mind. I have my theories about this one.
I split the mind up into 4 areas: Conscious (green), Logical (red), Imaginative (blue) and Unconscious (black). The white would represent creativity which is a mix of the conscious mind, logical thinking, and imagination. The closer you get to white, the closer you also get to the gray/black.
This would be an "average" person
![https://www.nunuvyer.biz/miscimages/MindN.jpg]()
This would be someone with a scientific/logical mindset
![https://www.nunuvyer.biz/miscimages/MindS.jpg]()
This would be someone with a great imagination
![https://www.nunuvyer.biz/miscimages/MindI.jpg]()
And this would be someone who is very creative
![https://www.nunuvyer.biz/miscimages/MindC.jpg]()
Granted, I haven't really thought the whole thing out, but during my musings over this topic this is what I came up with.
Photographer
Photons 2 Pixels Images
Posts: 17011
Berwick, Pennsylvania, US
LeDeux Art wrote:
i feel good LeDeux Art wrote:
the cloud is lifting YAAAAAAAAAY
Photographer
Stephoto Photography
Posts: 20158
Amherst, Massachusetts, US
Dee wrote:
SHE KEEPS ME GOING!!!!!!!!!! CONCENTRATING ON HER IS MAKING LIFE BETTER!!!!
![https://c2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/109/l_2302d182c0db40aeb24d8b2e74fab5b1.jpg]() Oh my gosh she's adorable!
Photographer
Stephoto Photography
Posts: 20158
Amherst, Massachusetts, US
Pathogenic Confessions wrote:
I haven't modeled in like 2 years. Since the I have recovered from an eating disorder and put on 30 pounds.
I used to be nervous before, when I looked a ton better, now I'm hella nervous. Don't worry- be confident and rock it!
Model
Pathogenic Confessions
Posts: 20332
Racine, Minnesota, US
SPierce Photography wrote:
Don't worry- be confident and rock it! I keep telling myself 'what is the worse that could happen'?
Photographer
Photons 2 Pixels Images
Posts: 17011
Berwick, Pennsylvania, US
Pathogenic Confessions wrote:
I keep telling myself 'what is the worse that could happen'? The worst? That instead of getting all awesome images, you get a couple that are just great instead.
Photographer
Lawrence Guy
Posts: 17716
San Diego Country Estates, California, US
Just breezing by to say "Hi, guys," pick up chicks, and remind you to get your iron by chewing nails.
/Rev, zooooom
Photographer
Star Child
Posts: 39289
Nashville, Tennessee, US
Lawrence Guy wrote:
Just breezing by to say "Hi, guys," pick up chicks, and remind you to get your iron by chewing nails.
/Rev, zooooom Thanks for the drive-by greeting.
Photographer
Star Child
Posts: 39289
Nashville, Tennessee, US
Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
bump Thanks so much for all you do, Mike. You're awesome!
Photographer
Photons 2 Pixels Images
Posts: 17011
Berwick, Pennsylvania, US
Kayelless wrote:
Thanks so much for all you do, Mike. You're awesome! Said the pot to the kettle. 
Thank you too, Kevin.
Photographer
Photons 2 Pixels Images
Posts: 17011
Berwick, Pennsylvania, US
Pathogenic Confessions wrote:
*breath*
That is all I need to do. Breath! Yes. Breathe. I really wish I knew more about what you're going through or had a doctor friend who would not give up until the problem was solved.
I'm sorry.
Photographer
Dark Angel Photography
Posts: 9584
Orlando, Florida, US
...someone once told me that depression is just anger without the enthusiasm...
...I have no hate nor anger for anyone except myself, so it is moot...
...I brought this down upon myself, and I am paying the consequecnes...
...or maybe it's karma getting me back for my past.?...
...my fate where there is no fate...
Photographer
Photons 2 Pixels Images
Posts: 17011
Berwick, Pennsylvania, US
Dark Angel Photography wrote:
...someone once told me that depression is just anger without the enthusiasm...
...I have no hate nor anger for anyone except myself, so it is moot...
...I brought this down upon myself, and I am paying the consequecnes...
...or maybe it's karma getting me back for my past.?...
...my fate where there is no fate... Interesting way to describe it. I think of it more as anger turned inward. It's relation to karma is that it's only a symptom of the karmic problem.
So how are you?
Photographer
Dark Angel Photography
Posts: 9584
Orlando, Florida, US
Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
Interesting way to describe it. I think of it more as anger turned inward. It's relation to karma is that it's only a symptom of the karmic problem.
So how are you? ...how am I is an understatemant...
...where am I cannot be answered...
...what am I is unidentifyable...
...and when am I goning to feel better has no answer...
I'm hitting on almost two months of an all time low with bouts of self-destructiveness tearing me apart...
If that doesn't answer some kind of question as to "how I am", then I might as well just stop posting now...
Photographer
Star Child
Posts: 39289
Nashville, Tennessee, US
Dark Angel Photography wrote:
...how am I is an understatemant...
...where am I cannot be answered...
...what am I is unidentifyable...
...and when am I goning to feel better has no answer...
I'm hitting on almost two months of an all time low with bouts of self-destructiveness tearing me apart...
If that doesn't answer some kind of question as to "how I am", then I might as well just stop posting now... do you want to come out of this low or are you more comfortable holding onto it as it's the only feeling you can find at the moment?
Photographer
Dark Angel Photography
Posts: 9584
Orlando, Florida, US
...MAD LOVE...
Are you sad, are you mad, are you raging?
Are you locked up in a cage and slowly aging?
Are you crying are you dieing, are you wishing, are you even there, some where in your body can you care?
Are you laughing, are you scoffing, are you killing, are you maiming, are you pushing me down, roughly forcing me into the ground while your blaming?
Are you murdering, are you fighting, I have teeth marks from your biting.
Are you crying?
Are you begging, is you soul slowly fadingâ¦in your heart what are you hating?
Are you screaming in my face, are you gleaming in that grace?
Are you crazy?
Are you dieing, do you know that you are lying?
Are you sad, are you mad, are you raging?
Is insanity a ploy, am I nothing but a toy?
Can you see me, can you feel me?
Do you think that you might kill me?
When you kiss me do you miss me, do you think you might hurt me?
Is it painful and disdainful to think that you might love me?
Do you wish that you could hold me?
Not just look at me and scold me?
Arenât you happy with me now, you made and you molded me, you corrupted and destroyed me.
I am crying and Iâm dieing,
Iâm wishing you could miss me, that just once more you would kiss me.
Are you breaking my heart, and pulling me apart?
Do you know that I am crying that Iâm sobbing and Iâm fading that my heart is slowly dieing?
Do you love me just a little?
Might you miss me just tad, if you killed me could you feel just slightly bad?
Do you know that I love and I miss you?
That Iâd kill and maim for you, Iâd take all the blame for you.
Are you sad, are you mad, are you raging?
Can you love me, can you care?
Is there a heart somewhere in there?
Do you listen when I say I love you?
Do you understand why I hold you tight?
Do you like it when I long to kiss you goodnight?
Do you know Iâm under your thumb?
Do you know youâre the reason I play dumb?
Do you know that Iâm thereâ¦?
Are you pushing me away because you hate me?
Are you treating me so coldly and ignoring me so boldly to irate me?
Are you telling me you love and then acting like you hate me just so I can suffer, do you think that you are tougher?
That no one can ever love you?
Is there laughter all above you?
Is it driving you mad?
Are you sad, are you mad, are you raging?
I am yours to be pained, and to suffer, because I love you like no other.
But do you really think itâs right to always start a fight, and beat me down into the ground, because Iâll always around?
Do you really think itâs fair to abuse me, and to use me, just because I love you, and because Iâm always there?
Are you sad, are you mad, raging?
Do you think that I might leave you or that I could deceive you?
Do you think I want to lock you up and keep you all for myself?
Do you think that I am crazy that Iâd hurt you if you stayed?
Do you think that I think you obeyed?
I know that you are hurting, that your really falling down, that your so lost and alone and you aching.
Therefore I know that you are taking, you pillaging and slaying, you are spiteful and betraying.
Yet you sound so sweet to me,
even when your beating me and constantly mistreating me, deep down inside I know that you love me.
That you put no one above me, and your pushing me away so not to beat me and to slap me, so that you wonât pop a cap in me
I can feel you hurting me and killing me, but I know that you are trying, even though you leave me crying and now you hardly care and notice that Iâm there.
I wouldnât stay, but I know that you are dieing. I can look at you and see that you badly do need me, even when your cursing me and killing me, when you are harassing and so cruel.
I can see right through you. I know that you are mean and your trying hard to be, I feel that you donât like me and wishing I would go away.
Is that how you feel?
Do you want me dead?
Or do you love me?
Do you remember when you held me, and stroked my hair and kissed me?
Do you think that you might miss me?
Why are you running?
Why do you hide?
Why donât you think that Iâm not still on your side?
Why canât you see, itâs you and me, and that I love you still?
Why donât you know you were never just a thrill?
Because Iâd die for you, and I all to often lie for you, because I kill for youâ¦because my soul has grown ill for you.
Do you know that Iâm dead because of you?
And destroyed is the life that I once lead because of you.
Are you breathing?
Can you hear?
Are you running because of what you fear?
Are you scared that you might love me?
That you might want told hold me, and you feel bad for how you molded me?
Does is frighten you?
Are you worried that I could enlighten you?
Why are you running?
Why wonât you let me kiss away the tears that you are crying?
Why do I look at you and know that we dieing?
Why are you hurting me?
Why are you lying?
Are you sad, are you mad, are you raging?
...(M)...
Photographer
Star Child
Posts: 39289
Nashville, Tennessee, US
A lot of what I see in you reminds me of how I was in 1995. The pain is louder than a jet at take off.
I feel ya.
Photographer
Lawrence Guy
Posts: 17716
San Diego Country Estates, California, US
Dark Angel Photography wrote:
...someone once told me that depression is just anger without the enthusiasm... One of my therapists said that depression is anger at loss. Obviously not the whole story, but it was like cold water in my face when he said it to me (I was lying on a gurney in the hospital at the time). I can't describe how it transformed the way I thought about my depression - to think that somewhere behind it all there might be a feeling that somehow I've been robbed of something I deserve, and I might have been complicit in the robbery.
I can't clearly say where that idea has led me, but I know it's close to the center of my coping methods. Don't dwell on loss, and don't cause loss. And when you do feel angry, figure out why.
Photographer
Lawrence Guy
Posts: 17716
San Diego Country Estates, California, US
Photographer
Lawrence Guy
Posts: 17716
San Diego Country Estates, California, US
Dark Angel Photography wrote:
...how am I is an understatemant...
...where am I cannot be answered...
...what am I is unidentifyable...
...and when am I goning to feel better has no answer...
I'm hitting on almost two months of an all time low with bouts of self-destructiveness tearing me apart...
If that doesn't answer some kind of question as to "how I am", then I might as well just stop posting now... Don't stop posting. I know *exactly* how you are, because that's where I was exactly one year ago (although I was coming up on the five-month mark of my MDE and entering into an acute crisis). I was all over the fucking place because of my anxiety disorder, and all I was headed was downhill. Ended up in the Comprehensive Psychiatric Evaluation Program at Westchester Medical Center for five days. Nice place, they confiscated my belt and shoelaces, kept me behind two locked doors, and checked my room every half hour while I slept. They also saved my life and gave me a new one as a bonus, so I forgive them. I don't forgive their kitchen, however.
If you aren't getting professional help, get it. If you are getting help, tell your therapist and/or psychiatrist that things aren't working. Call for help if things get dire, even if you think it's a waste of time.
Photographer
Star Child
Posts: 39289
Nashville, Tennessee, US
Much love to you, Guy. Your support is awesome.
Photographer
Lawrence Guy
Posts: 17716
San Diego Country Estates, California, US
Kayelless wrote:
Much love to you, Guy. Your support is awesome. Thanks, I felt the need to come back. Gotta read up on the new faces here, though, as I made one post that was off-target.
Photographer
Lawrence Guy
Posts: 17716
San Diego Country Estates, California, US
Natasha240 wrote:
Well, I can only speak for myself. I don't come here as much because as I said earlier, I've given up, and I don't think that will be supportive to others who are going through it, but still have hope. It was only after I fully gave up that I discovered that I was a blank slate, ready to be written anew. You've only discovered that the road you've been on doesn't lead where you want to go. Reinvent yourself.
And if you're truly marking time, do it literally. Get a sheet of paper and put one mark on it every day. Eventually you'll get fed up with it and find something interesting to do.
You've posted here long enough, and I've spoken to you enough, to know that there's a person inside you who wants to come out and do more than "mark time." Figure out what's holding that person back.
Just because you say you've given up, doesn't mean you can't change your mind.
Disclaimer: The comments I have made have been pulled straight out of my ass and may be completely idiotic. However, a little bit of idiocy is more interesting than watching the paint fade on your walls. I am not your doctor, just a sympathetic pseudo-friend.
Photographer
Star Child
Posts: 39289
Nashville, Tennessee, US
Lawrence Guy wrote:
It was only after I fully gave up that I discovered that I was a blank slate, ready to be written anew. You've only discovered that the road you've been on doesn't lead where you want to go. Reinvent yourself.
And if you're truly marking time, do it literally. Get a sheet of paper and put one mark on it every day. Eventually you'll get fed up with it and find something interesting to do.
You've posted here long enough, and I've spoken to you enough, to know that there's a person inside you who wants to come out and do more than "mark time." Figure out what's holding that person back.
Just because you say you've given up, doesn't mean you can't change your mind.
Disclaimer: The comments I have made have been pulled straight out of my ass and may be completely idiotic. However, a little bit of idiocy is more interesting than watching the paint fade on your walls. I am not your doctor, just a sympathetic pseudo-friend. I love this.
Photographer
Star Child
Posts: 39289
Nashville, Tennessee, US
Lawrence Guy wrote:
It was only after I fully gave up that I discovered that I was a blank slate, ready to be written anew. You've only discovered that the road you've been on doesn't lead where you want to go. Reinvent yourself.
And if you're truly marking time, do it literally. Get a sheet of paper and put one mark on it every day. Eventually you'll get fed up with it and find something interesting to do.
You've posted here long enough, and I've spoken to you enough, to know that there's a person inside you who wants to come out and do more than "mark time." Figure out what's holding that person back.
Just because you say you've given up, doesn't mean you can't change your mind.
Disclaimer: The comments I have made have been pulled straight out of my ass and may be completely idiotic. However, a little bit of idiocy is more interesting than watching the paint fade on your walls. I am not your doctor, just a sympathetic pseudo-friend. I love this. See how much I do?
Photographer
Lawrence Guy
Posts: 17716
San Diego Country Estates, California, US
Photographer
Photons 2 Pixels Images
Posts: 17011
Berwick, Pennsylvania, US
Lawrence Guy wrote:
Bump bump grind. *Snappin' fingers* You go, Guy!!!
Photographer
Stephoto Photography
Posts: 20158
Amherst, Massachusetts, US
How's everyone hanging in there today?
Photographer
Photons 2 Pixels Images
Posts: 17011
Berwick, Pennsylvania, US
SPierce Photography wrote:
How's everyone hanging in there today? Ut oh....I see a new avatar.....
Photographer
Stephoto Photography
Posts: 20158
Amherst, Massachusetts, US
Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
Ut oh....I see a new avatar..... Yeah. I couldn't resist. ShivaLove and I went out to shoot yesterday
why?
Photographer
Lawrence Guy
Posts: 17716
San Diego Country Estates, California, US
So normal life is treating me well, but abnormal things are creeping in. I'm currently sick to my stomach because a guy who's a customer of mine (just got off the phone with him) is basically a creep, probably of the organized crime variety, and he wants to be my friend and do photo shoots with me. Stuff with old mattresses in boiler rooms. Strippers. He said he could hook me up with some ladies who give great blowjobs.
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, to think that everyone has redeeming qualities, but that doesn't mean I want to be their pals. I'm either going to go to sleep now or throw up.
Lot's of people take wrong turns in life. Why do some of them have to turn into my driveway?
I just keep telling myself, different strokes for different folks. God help me.
And maybe he isn't a creep, but just talks like one. Makes me think of that saying about ducks, walking like 'em and quackin' like 'em.
I have a headache.
Photographer
Stephoto Photography
Posts: 20158
Amherst, Massachusetts, US
Lawrence Guy wrote:
So normal life is treating me well, but abnormal things are creeping in. I'm currently sick to my stomach because a guy who's a customer of mine (just got off the phone with him) is basically a creep, probably of the organized crime variety, and he wants to be my friend and do photo shoots with me. Stuff with old mattresses in boiler rooms. Strippers. He said he could hook me up with some ladies who give great blowjobs.
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, to think that everyone has redeeming qualities, but that doesn't mean I want to be their pals. I'm either going to go to sleep now or throw up.
Lot's of people take wrong turns in life. Why do some of them have to turn into my driveway?
I just keep telling myself, different strokes for different folks. God help me.
And maybe he isn't a creep, but just talks like one. Makes me think of that saying about ducks, walking like 'em and quackin' like 'em.
I have a headache. Thats really creepy. However, i'm (usually) of the belief that we meet people we're meant to meet, if that makes any sense. Maybe you're meant to help him in a strange way?
Photographer
Photons 2 Pixels Images
Posts: 17011
Berwick, Pennsylvania, US
Lawrence Guy wrote:
So normal life is treating me well, but abnormal things are creeping in. I'm currently sick to my stomach because a guy who's a customer of mine (just got off the phone with him) is basically a creep, probably of the organized crime variety, and he wants to be my friend and do photo shoots with me. Stuff with old mattresses in boiler rooms. Strippers. He said he could hook me up with some ladies who give great blowjobs.
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, to think that everyone has redeeming qualities, but that doesn't mean I want to be their pals. I'm either going to go to sleep now or throw up.
Lot's of people take wrong turns in life. Why do some of them have to turn into my driveway?
I just keep telling myself, different strokes for different folks. God help me.
And maybe he isn't a creep, but just talks like one. Makes me think of that saying about ducks, walking like 'em and quackin' like 'em.
I have a headache. WOW! I don't even know what to say. I hope he isn't a creep. Hopefully just all talk.
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