Solstice Rain wrote:
Dee, I hope you find things easier, one small breath at a time. My heart breaks for you. And I'm sending you strength until you can find it on your own. I know I speak for us all when I say to keep us posted. Obviously, we all care you.

Yes. I would still feel better if you let us know that you have help. This may be an online networking community for the modeling industry, but that doesn't mean we can't care about each other on a personal level.

Please keep us posted.

Pathogenic Confessions wrote:
*deep breath*

Tomorrow is the 3 year anniversay of Andrei's death.
May you rest in peace. May your family have some peace, I know they have been struggling. I have seen your father fall into a mess and a shell of the former, awesome man he was.  Please help him, he needs your help. Let him know you are ok, where you are. Let him know it is OK to move on, let him know his life can continue.  He will never forget you, but he has to continue actually LIVING, not just floating through life.
I miss you. I miss just the essence of you. You may have not known me well but the impact you left on this world is enormous.  You could have done great things, you were a great person.
In May, you will 17.  I am sure everyone would have loved to see you drive.

Have peace and know you are remembered and know that impact you made

Giving you more hugs than you can stand. Stay strong.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:

Giving you more hugs than you can stand. Stay strong.

*hugs*

Dee wrote:
First off let me say thank you to everyone here.....

Thank you for calling the police....the police woman that came here was one of the nicest people I have met in a long time...We talked for a while....She left and I fell asleep with my baby girl in my arms.

I woke up to my husband coming home and crying because he saw that i had researched about lethal amounts of vicodin on the internet the night before...that right there hit me like a ton of bricks.

A little background info so you all understand my anguish yesterday....

When my oldest daughter turned 13 it seemed like a whole different kid emerged, she was very violent and defiant. She started skipping school, talking back to the teachers and my husband and I on a regular basis...Well after moving her to one of the most expensive schools here in toledo, she did a little better but still acted like she hates the family... the next school year we put her back into the catholic school which she later got expelled from. So after that I kept her home with me and her defiance and anger just became so much I didnt know what to do and kept thinking its a phase it'll pass..........

That summer was complete and utter hell with her tearing our house apart when she didnt get her way or something went wrong..she was grounded forever...so one day I said this has to stop and I told her and sat her down and said ok we have to start fresh.....it was like a release for me and her..I slowly let her get back on the phone and meet with friends at my house....things were going good for a couple months until one night I let her stay at a friends house and they all snuck out....from there it has just gone down hill....

I have had her in the hospital twice for programs they have for teens in trouble..the first time she almost got kicked out because she snuck one of the boys into her room at night somehow.......we got a call and begged them to keep her....they did....after her time was up there she had a therapist and a counselor that we saw on a weekly basis...things were friggin awesome for about 6 months!!! No defiance, doing her chores, still getting into trouble at school but it was minor things. then the other kid emerged again about a year ago when i found out I was pregnant with my baby girl.

Since april 11th of last year my first born child whom i love with every fiber of my being has been arrested at least 8 times and now has a criminal record for shoplifting on one of her runaways. That was the last straw for me, my sister called me and begged me to let her come up there for school and summer and i agreed there is nothing else i can do to help her. My sister lives in muskegon about 4 hours from here...that was about 3 months ago. We just had our first visit 2 weeks ago and we planned on her coming home for easter and I was going to have easter with all my family at MY house this year. But now I have cancelled that.

After my husband came home my 14 year old came down and admitted to me that she had it planned since she knew she was getting to come home. I cant hold her accountable..she loves her sister and doesnt want to tell on her but anyway.....that is part of the reason that I had been so messed up yesterday.........

there are many other factors in my life contributing to my breakdown. But last night after going into the nursery and seeing that little baby girl sleeping with her hand behind her head with her pacifier hanging halfway out of her mouth I broke down and sobbed and cant believe those thoughts EVER ran through my head....she cut her first two teeth yesterday as well.........I have smiled ever since and loved Peyton and apologized to my husband and my 14 year old. And told myself that I cant save someone who doesn't want to be saved. so I can only cross my fingers and hope my daughter finds her way through this time in her life.

I have decided to get back on my meds and go back to therapy. My past still haunts me and there are just so many other things that I need to get help with. I cant take on all these problems by myself anymore...I admit i need help......

Yesterday and the day before had to be the darkest days in my life to date......I have NEVER gotten that close to actually hurting myself...never in my life have I been "suicidal" I am scared of death but it just seemed like there would never be a light at the end of the tunnel for me. but I realize i have to to keep on hiking through the darkness to get to the light which WILL eventually come..........

To each and every one of you, know that you have a place in my heart and I have love for you! And I would like to say that knowing that there really are nice and caring people in this world still, is comforting!

Again to mike the moderator who called to check on me, thank you and I am very sorry for being rude..........


Dee

Thank you for posting this, Dee. So many of us were so worried about you. I'm glad you are OK all things considered and hopefully you can move on from here and deal with this, knowing there are many here who support you in addition to your husband.

Please keep us updated. You and your family are in my heart and prayers.

Pathogenic Confessions wrote:
Rest in peace.

Oh, honey!!!!!!! Hugs for you all day!!!!!!! I'm so sad for you. I know you miss him.

Jellokittie wrote:
Another one of those days.

I hate feeling like this and not knowing why!

Hugs.

Pathogenic Confessions wrote:
.

How are you doing today?

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:

How are you doing today?

Not good.
I posted here about something, then decided not to talk about it, so I took it down

Pathogenic Confessions wrote:

Not good.
I posted here about something, then decided not to talk about it, so I took it down

I'm sorry. I'm available if you need to talk, though. Hope it gets better.

Dee wrote:
First off let me say thank you to everyone here.....

Thank you for calling the police....the police woman that came here was one of the nicest people I have met in a long time...We talked for a while....She left and I fell asleep with my baby girl in my arms.

I woke up to my husband coming home and crying because he saw that i had researched about lethal amounts of vicodin on the internet the night before...that right there hit me like a ton of bricks.

A little background info so you all understand my anguish yesterday....

When my oldest daughter turned 13 (she is now almost 17) it seemed like a whole different kid emerged, she was very violent and defiant. She started skipping school, talking back to the teachers and my husband and I on a regular basis...Well after moving her to one of the most expensive schools here in toledo, she did a little better but still acted like she hates the family... the next school year we put her back into the catholic school which she later got expelled from. So after that I kept her home with me and her defiance and anger just became so much I didnt know what to do and kept thinking its a phase it'll pass..........

That summer was complete and utter hell with her tearing our house apart when she didnt get her way or something went wrong..she was grounded forever...so one day I said this has to stop and I told her and sat her down and said ok we have to start fresh.....it was like a release for me and her..I slowly let her get back on the phone and meet with friends at my house....things were going good for a couple months until one night I let her stay at a friends house and they all snuck out....from there it has just gone down hill....

I have had her in the hospital twice for programs they have for teens in trouble..the first time she almost got kicked out because she snuck one of the boys into her room at night somehow.......we got a call and begged them to keep her....they did....after her time was up there she had a therapist and a counselor that we saw on a weekly basis...things were friggin awesome for about 6 months!!! No defiance, doing her chores, still getting into trouble at school but it was minor things. then the other kid emerged again about a year ago when i found out I was pregnant with my baby girl.

Since april 11th of last year my first born child whom i love with every fiber of my being has been arrested at least 8 times and now has a criminal record for shoplifting on one of her runaways. That was the last straw for me, my sister called me and begged me to let her come up there for school and summer and i agreed there is nothing else i can do to help her. My sister lives in muskegon about 4 hours from here...that was about 3 months ago. We just had our first visit 2 weeks ago and we planned on her coming home for easter and I was going to have easter with all my family at MY house this year. But now I have cancelled that.

After my husband came home my 14 year old came down and admitted to me that she had it planned since she knew she was getting to come home. I cant hold her accountable..she loves her sister and doesnt want to tell on her but anyway.....that is part of the reason that I had been so messed up yesterday.........

there are many other factors in my life contributing to my breakdown. But last night after going into the nursery and seeing that little baby girl sleeping with her hand behind her head with her pacifier hanging halfway out of her mouth I broke down and sobbed and cant believe those thoughts EVER ran through my head....she cut her first two teeth yesterday as well.........I have smiled ever since and loved Peyton and apologized to my husband and my 14 year old. And told myself that I cant save someone who doesn't want to be saved. so I can only cross my fingers and hope my daughter finds her way through this time in her life.

I have decided to get back on my meds and go back to therapy. My past still haunts me and there are just so many other things that I need to get help with. I cant take on all these problems by myself anymore...I admit i need help......

Yesterday and the day before had to be the darkest days in my life to date......I have NEVER gotten that close to actually hurting myself...never in my life have I been "suicidal" I am scared of death but it just seemed like there would never be a light at the end of the tunnel for me. but I realize i have to to keep on hiking through the darkness to get to the light which WILL eventually come..........

To each and every one of you, know that you have a place in my heart and I have love for you! And I would like to say that knowing that there really are nice and caring people in this world still, is comforting!

Again to mike the moderator who called to check on me, thank you and I am very sorry for being rude..........


Dee

*HUG*!!
Im so glad your moving in the right direction again! Ya cant change the past so dont dwell on it, just learn from it and you can take the steps to make sure today, tomrrow and everyday after are a brighter

Pathogenic Confessions wrote:
.

How did your photoshoot go?

SPierce Photography wrote:

How did your photoshoot go?

It's next week

I am beyond nervous/scared

Pathogenic Confessions wrote:

It's next week

I am beyond nervous/scared

oohhhh!

And don't be nervous. You're beautiful and will do awesome!

SPierce Photography wrote:

oohhhh!

And don't be nervous. You're beautiful and will do awesome!

I haven't modeled in like 2 years. Since the I have recovered from an eating disorder and put on 30 pounds.
I used to be nervous before, when I looked a ton better, now I'm hella nervous.

Dee wrote:
SHE KEEPS ME GOING!!!!!!!!!! CONCENTRATING ON HER IS MAKING LIFE BETTER!!!!

That is the best!!!!!!!!!

Nice, Dee.....real nice. Hugs.

Pathogenic Confessions wrote:

I haven't modeled in like 2 years. Since the I have recovered from an eating disorder and put on 30 pounds.
I used to be nervous before, when I looked a ton better, now I'm hella nervous.

Don't be nervous. You'll do fine. You're beautiful, no matter what.

Dee wrote:
SHE KEEPS ME GOING!!!!!!!!!! CONCENTRATING ON HER IS MAKING LIFE BETTER!!!!

OMG, what a gorgeous little bub.  You gotta hang around for her, she's got the most joyful smile i've seen in ages.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:

You're beautiful, no matter what.

We'll find out when I get photos back

Pathogenic Confessions wrote:

We'll find out when I get photos back

When you do, please share. And try to not be too critical of yourself.

Good luck!

Little Miss Allie wrote:
Breakup basically out of nowhere, I'm broke, rent is late, and my grandparents called to let me know my father is trying to come back into the country. Fucking great...

Oh,dear. If you need to rant or talk, feel free. If you want to PM me to rant that's OK too.

I hope things work out for you.

Rachel Lisa wrote:
You know, I don't know why I never opened this thread before...probably because I'm still often in denial about being bipolar type 2 , which means crippling depression. (There, I just told the whole world..that's right!!! I'm on LITHIUM and a grip of other meds!!! LOL) But I'm glad I finally did...there are a lot of good people here and some good support.

And Dee, I don't know you, but I'm glad you're ok.

Glad to have you onboard.

Pull up a chair and relax with the rest of us.

Rachel Lisa wrote:
You know, I don't know why I never opened this thread before...probably because I'm still often in denial about being bipolar type 2 , which means crippling depression. (There, I just told the whole world..that's right!!! I'm on LITHIUM and a grip of other meds!!! LOL) But I'm glad I finally did...there are a lot of good people here and some good support.

And Dee, I don't know you, but I'm glad you're ok.

and you already have a friend here.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:

Glad to have you onboard.

Pull up a chair and relax with the rest of us.

Good morning, Mike. Happy Easter.

Rachel Lisa wrote:
You know, I don't know why I never opened this thread before...probably because I'm still often in denial about being bipolar type 2 , which means crippling depression. (There, I just told the whole world..that's right!!! I'm on LITHIUM and a grip of other meds!!! LOL) But I'm glad I finally did...there are a lot of good people here and some good support.

And Dee, I don't know you, but I'm glad you're ok.

Welcome to the REAL Mayhem!

And you also have my support. Depression sucks. I was actually in a deep funk a couple weeks ago; but fortunately had a couple local friends to help pull me through.

Paul Bryson Photography wrote:

Welcome to the REAL Mayhem!

And you also have my support. Depression sucks. I was actually in a deep funk a couple weeks ago; but fortunately had a couple local friends to help pull me through.

Good morning, Paul.

Kayelless wrote:

Rachel Lisa wrote:
You know, I don't know why I never opened this thread before...probably because I'm still often in denial about being bipolar type 2 , which means crippling depression. (There, I just told the whole world..that's right!!! I'm on LITHIUM and a grip of other meds!!! LOL) But I'm glad I finally did...there are a lot of good people here and some good support.

And Dee, I don't know you, but I'm glad you're ok.

and you already have a friend here.


Good morning, Mike. Happy Easter.

And a very Happy Easter to you, too, Kevin. Much love to you and your family.