Lawrence Guy wrote:

I've seen her post on other threads today, so we needn't worry about the worst.  She's very indrawn right now.  Keep sending her the love, let her know we're still here for her, but give her her space.

I guess that's cool.

Natasha240 wrote:
I'm still here, I'm just laying low. I'm kind of on a roller coaster again, ok one day, damned near suicidal the next.

Danielles birthday is monday, her parents are coming over this weekend. I've been so stressed out about it. I feel like such a bad wife and a failure, because it is her 30th, and I am not doing anything special. She threw me this great surprise party for mine. I wanted too, but just thinking about planning one made my anxiety go through the roof. So I got her some lame gifts, and I will make her a nice dinner. Big deal, right? So she is going to get jiped because I am a loser. I feel so guilty.

I told someone the other day that I feel dead inside, and they asked me to explain what that means. Nothing interests me, nothing excites me. I feel like I'm in a catch 22 situation here. I almost never leave the house, because where would I go? What would I do? I'm tired of doing NOTHING 24 hours a day, but I am so apathetic and have no interest in anything that I don't want to go out. I wake up in the morning, and I can't wait for the sun to go down so I can go back to sleep. The only think I look forward to is sleeping.

The other day I got up, got dressed, and told myself I was going to walk to the library. I got half way down the block, stopped short, and asked myself what the point was. Why was I going to walk all the way there? What did I want to read? I could not think of a single thing. I turned around and went back home.

I have this feeling of nothingness ALL.THE.TIME.

Start by just taking a walk.  Rome wasn't built in a day.

And stop convincing yourself of things like this

So she is going to get jiped because I am a loser. I feel so guilty.

I learned a secret while I was in the hospital: there are no losers, only casualties.

Before I was hospitalized, when I was pacing the hallway at work before anyone showed up, I stopped short and asked myself what it was about me that made it impossible for me to stop and smell the roses.  The cynical, depressed part of me chimed in with the comment, "because there are no roses to smell."  But the part of me that still held some hope fought back with "if there aren't any roses, then you just have to make your own."

I now sum it up with the phrase "there MUST be roses."  By that I mean, either find the hidden roses that are scattered around you, or create your own.

Lawrence Guy wrote:
Before I was hospitalized, when I was pacing the hallway at work before anyone showed up, I stopped short and asked myself what it was about me that made it impossible for me to stop and smell the roses.  The cynical, depressed part of me chimed in with the comment, "because there are no roses to smell."  But the part of me that still held some hope fought back with "if there aren't any roses, then you just have to make your own."

I now sum it up with the phrase "there MUST be roses."  By that I mean, either find the hidden roses that are scattered around you, or create your own.

I think that's quite beautiful

Agh, it's been bad lately. But I finally did two things that I've known, at least on some level, that I've been NEEDING to do for a while.

1. Admitted (to myself) that I do have suicidal feelings that I really need to address.
2. Told my dad that I wanted to get analysed, because I can't keep going around feeling so miserable anymore. It's just too hard.

Hope everyone's staying tail-up!

Shelby Jane wrote:

I think that's quite beautiful

Agh, it's been bad lately. But I finally did two things that I've known, at least on some level, that I've been NEEDING to do for a while.

1. Admitted (to myself) that I do have suicidal feelings that I really need to address.
2. Told my dad that I wanted to get analysed, because I can't keep going around feeling so miserable anymore. It's just too hard.

Hope everyone's staying tail-up!

this made me happy

Shelby Jane wrote:
I think that's quite beautiful

Thank you.

Shelby Jane wrote:
Agh, it's been bad lately. But I finally did two things that I've known, at least on some level, that I've been NEEDING to do for a while.

1. Admitted (to myself) that I do have suicidal feelings that I really need to address.
2. Told my dad that I wanted to get analysed, because I can't keep going around feeling so miserable anymore. It's just too hard.

Hope everyone's staying tail-up!

That's great!  While admitting it is half the battle, admitting it to your family can be a major hurdle by itself.  And it is MUCH better to go for help when you're in a reasonably rational state of mind, instead of in the midst of an acute crisis or panic attack.

But I'm afraid to say that if I walk around with my tail in the air, someone is either going to spank me or steal my wallet.  How about I just keep my chin up?

Lawrence Guy wrote:
That's great!  While admitting it is half the battle, admitting it to your family can be a major hurdle by itself.  And it is MUCH better to go for help when you're in a reasonably rational state of mind, instead of in the midst of an acute crisis or panic attack.

But I'm afraid to say that if I walk around with my tail in the air, someone is either going to spank me or steal my wallet.  How about I just keep my chin up?

Ha, i told a complete stranger first, which is how I usually deal with these things. And once I'd actually said it, it wasn't such a big, scary thing to deal with. I mean yes, it's still terrible...but it's the difference between hearing a weird noise under your bed and turning on the lights to find the mouse, you know?

Kayelless wrote:
I'm sittin' here still trying to let go of messed up experience this week that ended extremely shitty.  Wasn't what I wanted, but it's done now.  People think bad of me.  Others will use it as an excuse to confirm bad thoughts of me...... none of these things can I control, however I don't like for it to have to happen either..

Why is it that if you try to be a good person in life, people shit on you and when you protest they get mad at you for standing up for yourself?

I'm trying to let it go and put it away, but it's just a fucked up reminder of shit I've long since put down coming back to mess with me.  Trying to tell me I'm no good.  Well great. Now in the struggle I find my old pal Mr. Suicide sitting out on my porch wanting to come in for supper.

No Kayelles, you know that ain't your pal out there.  That ain't nobodies pal, and don't give him the god-damn courtesy of being polite to him.  When a shit-covered shit-headed shit-talking bum camps out on your doorstep, you pull out a fucking twelve-gauge and blow that asshole away.

And for the rest, NO-FUCKING-BODY can tell you that you're no good!  They can say the god-damned words, they can think the god-damned thoughts, but THEY CANNOT MAKE IT THE GOD-DAMNED TRUTH!!!!  Slap yourself across the cheek, dude, crack open some smelling salts.  You're being conned, and the conman is in your head.  You know his fucking name and you know his fucking game.  Kick him in the nuts and spit in his eye, you're the fucking MAN NAMED KAYELLESS AND YOU AIN'T GONNA DIE!

Natasha240 wrote:
I'm still here, I'm just laying low. I'm kind of on a roller coaster again, ok one day, damned near suicidal the next.

Danielles birthday is monday, her parents are coming over this weekend. I've been so stressed out about it. I feel like such a bad wife and a failure, because it is her 30th, and I am not doing anything special. She threw me this great surprise party for mine. I wanted too, but just thinking about planning one made my anxiety go through the roof. So I got her some lame gifts, and I will make her a nice dinner. Big deal, right? So she is going to get jiped because I am a loser. I feel so guilty.

I told someone the other day that I feel dead inside, and they asked me to explain what that means. Nothing interests me, nothing excites me. I feel like I'm in a catch 22 situation here. I almost never leave the house, because where would I go? What would I do? I'm tired of doing NOTHING 24 hours a day, but I am so apathetic and have no interest in anything that I don't want to go out. I wake up in the morning, and I can't wait for the sun to go down so I can go back to sleep. The only think I look forward to is sleeping.

The other day I got up, got dressed, and told myself I was going to walk to the library. I got half way down the block, stopped short, and asked myself what the point was. Why was I going to walk all the way there? What did I want to read? I could not think of a single thing. I turned around and went back home.

I have this feeling of nothingness ALL.THE.TIME.

Give her yourself for her present. It's not what the present is, it's the thought that goes into it that's important. I am sure she will absolutely love whatever you got her

you don't have to plan a big surprise party. Make her a candlelit dinner with just the two of you - or choose 2-3 close friends to invite over and have a close dinner with all of you.

and there doesn't have to be a point to what you're doing- what the destination is doesn't mater. The point is to take a journey and see where things take you from there

Shelby Jane wrote:
Ha, i told a complete stranger first, which is how I usually deal with these things. And once I'd actually said it, it wasn't such a big, scary thing to deal with. I mean yes, it's still terrible...but it's the difference between hearing a weird noise under your bed and turning on the lights to find the mouse, you know?

I took it in stages myself.  I told my parents I was going to get treated for depression.  I got treatment.  After it started working, and my parents (especially my mom) relaxed a bit, over the years I told them additional bits and pieces.  They really only learned the full story back in May when my entire universe shattered and then miraculously rebuilt itself.  Then the reason I told them everything was because I needed them to help me survive, and they had to know everything.  But at that point I loved life too much to feel embarrassed anymore.  It was just too important.

Kayelless wrote:
So here's the deal gang..

I made a special section in my weblog called Living With Depression

The intent was to give blog space to my friends from this thread and anyone else from MM who I know who is struggling with depression and suicidal issues a place to write about it.  Anybody can create a blog anywhere, but this was a group thing.  I want to add more information and articles about dealing with depression and I will as I can, but initially I offered the opportunity to blog here to just a few folks to see how it would go for them.

I'm seeing a small community starting to grow here and so now I'm going to go ahead and open it up for anybody who wants to join in with it.  Basically it works like this.  I set you up as a contributing writer and then you're free to blog about things as you wish.

It's not to detract from this thread but instead its an addition.  Anyone who wants to blog with me please just contact me by PM.  Mike and Fifi have already started blogging and Carrie and Natasha have their pages set up.

Holla if you want.  Thanks.

Alright, count me in, unless you don't like me anymore after that ass-whupping I just gave you :-)

(I'd PM you, but I'm close to my limit for the day and I might have others to write)

AND GET OFF MY LAWN!

Lawrence Guy wrote:
AND GET OFF MY LAWN!

Kayelless wrote:
So here's the deal gang..

I made a special section in my weblog called Living With Depression

The intent was to give blog space to my friends from this thread and anyone else from MM who I know who is struggling with depression and suicidal issues a place to write about it.  Anybody can create a blog anywhere, but this was a group thing.  I want to add more information and articles about dealing with depression and I will as I can, but initially I offered the opportunity to blog here to just a few folks to see how it would go for them.

I'm seeing a small community starting to grow here and so now I'm going to go ahead and open it up for anybody who wants to join in with it.  Basically it works like this.  I set you up as a contributing writer and then you're free to blog about things as you wish.

It's not to detract from this thread but instead its an addition.  Anyone who wants to blog with me please just contact me by PM.  Mike and Fifi have already started blogging and Carrie and Natasha have their pages set up.

Holla if you want.  Thanks.

Sorry I havent worked on it at all Kevin, I've just been, you know......

Natasha240 wrote:

Sorry I havent worked on it at all Kevin, I've just been, you know......

Just start by cut-and-pasting from what you've written on this thread.

I should talk; I've haven't worked on mine yet either.

Natasha240 wrote:

Sorry I havent worked on it at all Kevin, I've just been, you know......

No problem. We put it out there for you to bog when you feel the need, not to satisfy my interests.  When you're ready I know you will. 

Lawrence Guy wrote:

Just start by cut-and-pasting from what you've written on this thread.

I should talk; I've haven't worked on mine yet either.

No excuse for you.  Now I'm gonna need you to go sit in the corner until you've figured out why you haven't and what you need to be doing.

jk - just do it when you get around to it. no worries.

Pathogenic Confessions wrote:
I'm hanging in.  Feeling very down, but surviving.
It is hard when you realize you don't fit in anywhere in this world.
And it is hard when you are not sure you can make your dreams happen. When you are good enough to do it

I know exactly how you feel, I always end up feeling that way in groups too. But think of it this way: even if it takes a while to get there, half the battle is the journey to getting there.  Keep those one or two special friends, and that's all you need. Use what you have to get to what you want- and don't let anything deter you along the way Dreams aren't achieved easily, and they won't come to you out of no where. Start with the small things, then work your way up?

PsychoCybernetics wrote:
I know exactly how you feel, I always end up feeling that way in groups too. But think of it this way: even if it takes a while to get there, half the battle is the journey to getting there.  Keep those one or two special friends, and that's all you need. Use what you have to get to what you want- and don't let anything deter you along the way Dreams aren't achieved easily, and they won't come to you out of no where. Start with the small things, then work your way up?

And don't let your success or failure define your identity.  See some of my previous posts where I walk about the detrimental concept of "worth."

PsychoCybernetics wrote:

I know exactly how you feel, I always end up feeling that way in groups too. But think of it this way: even if it takes a while to get there, half the battle is the journey to getting there.  Keep those one or two special friends, and that's all you need. Use what you have to get to what you want- and don't let anything deter you along the way Dreams aren't achieved easily, and they won't come to you out of no where. Start with the small things, then work your way up?

I work very hard for my dreams, but it is difficult when dealing with these other things like the depression, eating disorder and the the chaos that is my life.
My gpa is only 3.1

Lawrence Guy wrote:

And don't let your success of failure define your identity.  See some of my previous posts where I walk about the detrimental concept of "worth."

I don't see myself doing anything else with my life, I don't want to.
So I have to succeed when it comes to my dreams

Michael Pandolfo wrote:
How is this industry related?

Here's a good one though that encompasses them all. www.google.com. It's really quite diverse.

Well...you know how violent photographers can be.

Pathogenic Confessions wrote:

I work very hard for my dreams, but it is difficult when dealing with these other things like the depression, eating disorder and the the chaos that is my life.
My gpa is only 3.1

Working hard for your dreams is important.  Letting them take over your identity is not.  I speak from experience on this; there's much more to a person than achievement.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't strive to achieve.  I'm just saying don't let it consume you.  Some dreams can eat you up and spit out the bones, if you let them -- mine did.

Of course, I know you based on a dozen sentences, so I know perfectly well that I could be way off base with this.  I offer it only as something that might apply to you, and which might be useful to you.  Really, I'm just reaching out and saying I'd like to help.

Pathogenic Confessions wrote:
I work very hard for my dreams, but it is difficult when dealing with these other things like the depression, eating disorder and the the chaos that is my life.
My gpa is only 3.1

(i'm also psychocybernetics) my GPA was, like, 2.5/2.6 when I graduated :x Just keep going- and don't quit no matter what. Hold onto those things that are most important to you and use those as your mark Do your best to get yourself up and onto your feet... never quit, and keep working as hard as you can.

If you need to vent confidentially about the depression issues, feel free to PM me at either profile and let me know, since i'm on here wayyyyy too much anyway

SPierce Photography wrote:

(i'm also psychocybernetics) my GPA was, like, 2.5/2.6 when I graduated :x Just keep going- and don't quit no matter what. Hold onto those things that are most important to you and use those as your mark Do your best to get yourself up and onto your feet... never quit, and keep working as hard as you can.

If you need to vent confidentially about the depression issues, feel free to PM me at either profile and let me know, since i'm on here wayyyyy too much anyway

Kayelless wrote:
If you think that you can't do anything right and that you'll never amount to anything... Think again.

I was told that a million times by my dad when he was alive. So much that I actually believed it. 'Till he died, anyway. Then I learned different, and proved him wrong in SO many ways! As sadistic as it sounds, his death sparked the beginning of my life's journey, and the end of my life-long depression.

So yes, if you think you are a worthless piece of shit, you're wrong.

Paul Bryson Photography wrote:
So yes, if you think you are a worthless piece of shit, you're wrong.

So worth quoting.  Yep.

Kayelless wrote:

I

Lawrence Guy wrote:
Hi.  My thoughts are with everyone in this thread.  I can't talk at the moment, or even read what's going on, because I'm having a really busy week made worse by the fact that a model flaked on me, and for reasons that I can't get into this has caused me a huge amount of extra work.

Stay strong, and don't listen to the demon.

Guy

get to work.

SPierce Photography wrote:

I

Magnolia Photography wrote:
My psychologist let me go now but I feel I need anger management and need to take control of my own life instead of being mellow and letting people take advantage.

He did say something I feel was very wise: No matter what you do or how you act people will judge you the way they wanted to anyway and if you do stand up for yourself or express how you feel at the time or even within your home, it won't change the world dramatically in a day. For those who have missed the pages where my previous article was it stated:

"How can any one be so cruel and seem so innocent?
In a warped world of causing pain and suffering, power.
But every second I breathe the torture breathes with me, lives on inside my head. Stops me from being able to live the life I survived for.

A survivor.

I pat myself on the back, but for what? Am I suppose to act as if nothing has happened? As if it is all over?

He walks the streets free.

Enters into new relationships. New victims? Possible.
Can anyone truly change or did he despise only me? The sound, look, touch of me, to take me in his arms and destroy me, painfully. He wanted me dead, but secretly enjoyed me being alive, him being able to over and over again, kill my soul.

I live with his pain, his touch, his cowardice, his threats, his hands around my neck, his pillow over my face. Choking my will to do something with my life.

My husband who’s life is being destroyed by my ex husbands constant torture living, everyday, in my head.

As long as I am alive he lives on.

Am I really a survivor?

When will they give my hurt a label? A syndrome? An illness? As I face the ticking clock of social judgement. People wanting to fix me as I am broken.

If I am broken, what is he? Sane? Free? My suffering never ends.

Surely he is the survivor. The survivor having escaped the law, prosecution. And me?

What am I?
A drama queen? A liar? Mentally ill?

I’m alive.

I am alive.





I am a survivor, 21 years old, still struggling to live on with what happened to me, abused for 4 years. Re-married, happy yet haunted by my past."

Don't ever give up. Never turn on yourself.