Jessica Aniki wrote:
I just want to say how happy I am to see that someone posted this because it is a lot of us out there going thru a lot and don't know where to turn to or where to go and I am one of them

I will start off with advice to check through the first post in this thread for a helpline that might provide you with the assistance you need. You always have us here to talk to. If you don't want to talk publicly, a number of us here don't mind PMs and some of us will even offer our phone number. You have people in here to lean on if you need. But first and foremost try to find professional help if you get to a point where you don't know where to turn.

Welcome to the thread. I hope things work out for you. Together, we can get through it. You are never alone here.

Magnolia Photography wrote:
After 4 years of all abuse possible, i just reported my ex to the police. They have not even taken a statement yet and I cannot wait to vent at my psychologist tomorrow... think i need a screaming fit!!!!!

I wrote this:

"How can any one be so cruel and seem so innocent?
In a warped world of causing pain and suffering, power.
But every second I breathe the torture breathes with me, lives on inside my head. Stops me from being able to live the life I survived for.

A survivor.

I pat myself on the back, but for what? Am I suppose to act as if nothing has happened? As if it is all over?

He walks the streets free.

Enters into new relationships. New victims? Possible.
Can anyone truly change or did he despise only me? The sound, look, touch of me, to take me in his arms and destroy me, painfully. He wanted me dead, but secretly enjoyed me being alive, him being able to over and over again, kill my soul.

I live with his pain, his touch, his cowardice, his threats, his hands around my neck, his pillow over my face. Choking my will to do something with my life.

My husband who’s life is being destroyed by my ex husbands constant torture living, everyday, in my head.

As long as I am alive he lives on.

Am I really a survivor?

When will they give my hurt a label? A syndrome? An illness? As I face the ticking clock of social judgement. People wanting to fix me as I am broken.

If I am broken, what is he? Sane? Free? My suffering never ends.

Surely he is the survivor. The survivor having escaped the law, prosecution. And me?

What am I?
A drama queen? A liar? Mentally ill?

I’m alive.

I am alive."





I am a survivor, 21 years old, still struggling to live on with what happened to me, abused for 4 years. Re-married, happy yet haunted by my past.

Hugs to you. Sorry you went through all that. The scars will fade, the pain will ease, but none of it will ever go away.

You are amazing. An inspiration. Thank you for sharing.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:

Hugs to you. Sorry you went through all that. The scars will fade, the pain will ease, but none of it will ever go away.

You are amazing. An inspiration. Thank you for sharing.

I was a bit scared to, if i am honest, but i need to accept that is has happened and i need to move on... i am really trying, honestly.... i still need my psychologist and have times when i am seriously low, but my husband is an angel... he keeps picking me up, i hope one day i wont have any more lows... =/

Carrie_K wrote:
Better make mine decaf. I've had my moments of sadness, but I feel quilty because what I feel most is anger at those people for their selfishness.

I don't know if this will help you or not, but my personal experience with suicide showed me that there is no selfishness involved.  What IS involved is hopelessness and helplessness.  Suicide, even for people who are suicidal, is right smack at the bottom of the list of options.  A person who reaches the point where they are ready to kill themselves has exhausted every other option they can think of, and every defense mechanism they have has crumbled.

When I was ready to kill myself, I knew how awful it would make my family feel.  I knew that I would be leaving scars that would persist for decades.  That knowledge was one of the things holding me back.  But eventually, that defense crumbled under the weight of depression, anxiety, and panic.  I ended up knowing that there was no hope for me (hopelessness), that no matter what I did, in the end I would take my own life (helplessness).

Thank god I'd had the second option drilled into by so many therapists: call for help.  I called for help, thinking that at best it would extend my life for a week.  Instead, it saved my life and gave me a new one.

I'm writing all this because I want you to understand that calling a suicide "selfish" is doing an injustice to the hell that the person went through.  I don't think most suicidal people "want" to commit suicide; I think they feel like there's no other option left.  I know that when I came to the conclusion that I was going to end my own life, I was terrified and angry, and, even worse, it made me feel even more depressed.  God damn it, I did NOT want that to be my destiny, but it was.  I could not escape that conclusion, not on my own.  I actually came to accept the fact that I would soon be dead, and I deeply regretted how that would affect others, but I could NOT continue to suffer the torment I was going through.

I'll stop now because I'm starting to ramble.  Just consider that a person who commits suicide has lost a battle, and it's fair to grieve over that, but it's not fair to blame them.

--Guy

Magnolia Photography wrote:
After 4 years of all abuse possible, i just reported my ex to the police. They have not even taken a statement yet and I cannot wait to vent at my psychologist tomorrow... think i need a screaming fit!!!!!

I wrote this:

"How can any one be so cruel and seem so innocent?
In a warped world of causing pain and suffering, power.
But every second I breathe the torture breathes with me, lives on inside my head. Stops me from being able to live the life I survived for.

A survivor.

I pat myself on the back, but for what? Am I suppose to act as if nothing has happened? As if it is all over?

He walks the streets free.

Enters into new relationships. New victims? Possible.
Can anyone truly change or did he despise only me? The sound, look, touch of me, to take me in his arms and destroy me, painfully. He wanted me dead, but secretly enjoyed me being alive, him being able to over and over again, kill my soul.

I live with his pain, his touch, his cowardice, his threats, his hands around my neck, his pillow over my face. Choking my will to do something with my life.

My husband who’s life is being destroyed by my ex husbands constant torture living, everyday, in my head.

As long as I am alive he lives on.

Am I really a survivor?

When will they give my hurt a label? A syndrome? An illness? As I face the ticking clock of social judgement. People wanting to fix me as I am broken.

If I am broken, what is he? Sane? Free? My suffering never ends.

Surely he is the survivor. The survivor having escaped the law, prosecution. And me?

What am I?
A drama queen? A liar? Mentally ill?

I’m alive.

I am alive."





I am a survivor, 21 years old, still struggling to live on with what happened to me, abused for 4 years. Re-married, happy yet haunted by my past.

this made me cry as I read it being the fact that im 21 and have gone thru this it shows that there is hope for a better day..but for some reason a part of me is itching for him to be back in my world after he left me alone so cold

Magnolia Photography wrote:
After 4 years of all abuse possible, i just reported my ex to the police. They have not even taken a statement yet and I cannot wait to vent at my psychologist tomorrow... think i need a screaming fit!!!!!

I wrote this:

"How can any one be so cruel and seem so innocent?
In a warped world of causing pain and suffering, power.
But every second I breathe the torture breathes with me, lives on inside my head. Stops me from being able to live the life I survived for.

A survivor.

I pat myself on the back, but for what? Am I suppose to act as if nothing has happened? As if it is all over?

He walks the streets free.

Enters into new relationships. New victims? Possible.
Can anyone truly change or did he despise only me? The sound, look, touch of me, to take me in his arms and destroy me, painfully. He wanted me dead, but secretly enjoyed me being alive, him being able to over and over again, kill my soul.

I live with his pain, his touch, his cowardice, his threats, his hands around my neck, his pillow over my face. Choking my will to do something with my life.

My husband who’s life is being destroyed by my ex husbands constant torture living, everyday, in my head.

As long as I am alive he lives on.

Am I really a survivor?

When will they give my hurt a label? A syndrome? An illness? As I face the ticking clock of social judgement. People wanting to fix me as I am broken.

If I am broken, what is he? Sane? Free? My suffering never ends.

Surely he is the survivor. The survivor having escaped the law, prosecution. And me?

What am I?
A drama queen? A liar? Mentally ill?

I’m alive.

I am alive."

Jessica Aniki wrote:
this made me cry as I read it being the fact that im 21 and have gone thru this it shows that there is hope for a better day..but for some reason a part of me is itching for him to be back in my world after he left me alone so cold

No man (or woman) is deserved the chance to be back in anyone's life after we have experienced this, its the emotional power that causes us to want them back, the control they had over ius, it will fade with time trust me, i have proved we can move on, re marry, be happy and yet not healed, through time i assume i will heal too... you will find some one better jessica, honestly, live in hope and he will appear in your life

I am seeing my psychologist in an hour, i have not shown him the above yet i am going to today and tell him about telling the police too... should feel better later.

Lawrence Guy wrote:

I'm writing all this because I want you to understand that calling a suicide "selfish" is doing an injustice to the hell that the person went through.  I don't think most suicidal people "want" to commit suicide; I think they feel like there's no other option left.  I know that when I came to the conclusion that I was going to end my own life, I was terrified and angry, and, even worse, it made me feel even more depressed.  God damn it, I did NOT want that to be my destiny, but it was.  I could not escape that conclusion, not on my own.  I actually came to accept the fact that I would soon be dead, and I deeply regretted how that would affect others, but I could NOT continue to suffer the torment I was going through.


--Guy

I do understand that the person who commits suicide is not TRYING to be selfish. The thought, I know, really doesn't cross the mind. When I was on the verge, I had convinced myself that I was actually doing everyone around me a favor and they'd have a better life if I went through with it.
But the act itself is selfish. The waste of life and time given. The pain caused to those left behind. The total unfairness of deciding to check out when so many are struggling to live.
I'm fortunate to have a patient bf who's been listening to me. I talked to him about my anger. I'm struggling to let it go. I'd prefer grief to anger, becaue it's not fair to the memory of those I've lost. But how do you tell your heart to deny it's feelings?
I've tried to write. It's always been my healing grace. But it won't come out. I know I'll find my peace in time and be able to devote my energy to postive memories.

BlackLotus wrote:
Hi all,

I've not posted in this thread before but I really struggle with depression (especially at this time of the year, the cold and the dark always affect me). I'm currently on the waiting list for counselling sessions from the NHS but no appointments seem forthcoming. I'm considering private at the moment but what with the credit crunch its seeming like less and less of an option.

I can only give thanks for my boyfriend who has been supportive through everything and sometimes is very much the only reason I'm still here. To explain I self-harmed for close to 5 years before I met him and its his patience and care which has helped me feel that its not something I need to do to release any more.

Anyway, the point I wanted to make is that if anyone wanted to chat then please let me know. I like to think I am a good listener.

Take care all

Rach xx

Thank you. Please sit and hang a while. It means a lot to all of us.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
Everyone, please check out this video Paul Bryson posted in another thread. I know Magnolia has seen it.

http://www.4marks.com/videos/details.html?video_id=723

for me that kind of thing is depression.  Why? Because if anyone has challenges to overcome he does and yet he does so and is happy.
I look at myself, strong and whole and feel guilty for not being "so happy."  The resulting conflict brings on more feelings of depression.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
Everyone, please check out this video Paul Bryson posted in another thread. I know Magnolia has seen it.

http://www.4marks.com/videos/details.html?video_id=723

Wow! that is one amazing guy.
A real inspiration indeed.
Brought me to tears watching that.
Thanks for sharing that here.
I think it was good to see this and put things into perspective for me at least.
Not saying it isnt a struggle but i want to be strong like that and hopefully make the most of my life again in the future.

Natasha240 wrote:
I'm tired of being defective

*hug* you aren't defective, and you aren't alone either!

Magnolia Photography wrote:

Magnolia Photography wrote:
After 4 years of all abuse possible, i just reported my ex to the police. They have not even taken a statement yet and I cannot wait to vent at my psychologist tomorrow... think i need a screaming fit!!!!!

I wrote this:

"How can any one be so cruel and seem so innocent?
In a warped world of causing pain and suffering, power.
But every second I breathe the torture breathes with me, lives on inside my head. Stops me from being able to live the life I survived for.

A survivor.

I pat myself on the back, but for what? Am I suppose to act as if nothing has happened? As if it is all over?

He walks the streets free.

Enters into new relationships. New victims? Possible.
Can anyone truly change or did he despise only me? The sound, look, touch of me, to take me in his arms and destroy me, painfully. He wanted me dead, but secretly enjoyed me being alive, him being able to over and over again, kill my soul.

I live with his pain, his touch, his cowardice, his threats, his hands around my neck, his pillow over my face. Choking my will to do something with my life.

My husband who’s life is being destroyed by my ex husbands constant torture living, everyday, in my head.

As long as I am alive he lives on.

Am I really a survivor?

When will they give my hurt a label? A syndrome? An illness? As I face the ticking clock of social judgement. People wanting to fix me as I am broken.

If I am broken, what is he? Sane? Free? My suffering never ends.

Surely he is the survivor. The survivor having escaped the law, prosecution. And me?

What am I?
A drama queen? A liar? Mentally ill?

I’m alive.

I am alive."

No man (or woman) is deserved the chance to be back in anyone's life after we have experienced this, its the emotional power that causes us to want them back, the control they had over ius, it will fade with time trust me, i have proved we can move on, re marry, be happy and yet not healed, through time i assume i will heal too... you will find some one better jessica, honestly, live in hope and he will appear in your life

I am seeing my psychologist in an hour, i have not shown him the above yet i am going to today and tell him about telling the police too... should feel better later.

You are right.I do believe everyone has a chance to change and people do change I need to change for the better and this is just a stepping stone.
I hope it goes well I have actually thought about seeing one but never went thru with it

Natasha240 wrote:
Hey,

I am going to disagree with you guy, though you do have sound reasoning, and I can see where you are coming from.

I have always thought of depression and suicide as a selfish disease. Myself included. I am not saying selfish as a disparaging comment. But I can tell you when I tried to kill myself, I was at the point that you wrote about. Where I no longer cared (enough) that it would hurt others around me, all I wanted to do was ease MY pain, to make it stop. That by definition is selfish.

Also, treatment has taught me to be somewhat selfish, in regards to my disease. There are plenty of times when I do not have the coping abilities to deal with anything else than keeping myself alive. As a hypothetical example: My wife is having a really bad time at work and very stressed out. She needs someone to vent to, cry to, whatever. Under normal circumstances, I'd totally be there for her. But say I am in a deep depression, and fighting like hell. I may have to put her on the back burner, and force her to seek other options (a friend, other family member) to deal, because I cannot support her in that state. All I can do is worry about how much I want to die, and I have to focus on myself.

Did I just make any sense? Sometimes it is hard for me to communicate what is in my head. None of this makes us selfish people per se, but the disease IS selfish by it's very nature, as is treatment. And that doesnt make us bad people, just people who are focusing on recovery/staying alive and healthy.

That's a legitimate and valid response.  I think I agree with you to a large extent as well.  The thing that gets under my skin is calling the *person* selfish, instead of the disease.  I see the person as a victim.  I just feel that they went through enough hell as it is, that the survivors should not disparage that by describing the person as "selfish" instead of as "victim."

It's really just a pet peeve of mine, I guess.  People have to cope with the consequences of suicide, and this might be an effective coping mechanism.  I suspect that it gets in the way of grieving and understanding, but that's my opinion.

BlackLotus wrote:
Hi all,

I've not posted in this thread before but I really struggle with depression (especially at this time of the year, the cold and the dark always affect me). I'm currently on the waiting list for counselling sessions from the NHS but no appointments seem forthcoming. I'm considering private at the moment but what with the credit crunch its seeming like less and less of an option.

I can only give thanks for my boyfriend who has been supportive through everything and sometimes is very much the only reason I'm still here. To explain I self-harmed for close to 5 years before I met him and its his patience and care which has helped me feel that its not something I need to do to release any more.

Anyway, the point I wanted to make is that if anyone wanted to chat then please let me know. I like to think I am a good listener.

Take care all

Rach xx

Welcome to the thread!

I always tell people who are suffering from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) that sunlamps really work.  I got one about a month ago because I was beginning to be a bit down, and ever since I've been doing great.

I understand about having someone in your life that you can count on for support.  I shudder to think what my history would have been if my father wasn't so good at helping people in distress.

--Guy

Carrie_K wrote:
I do understand that the person who commits suicide is not TRYING to be selfish. The thought, I know, really doesn't cross the mind. When I was on the verge, I had convinced myself that I was actually doing everyone around me a favor and they'd have a better life if I went through with it.
But the act itself is selfish. The waste of life and time given. The pain caused to those left behind. The total unfairness of deciding to check out when so many are struggling to live.
I'm fortunate to have a patient bf who's been listening to me. I talked to him about my anger. I'm struggling to let it go. I'd prefer grief to anger, becaue it's not fair to the memory of those I've lost. But how do you tell your heart to deny it's feelings?
I've tried to write. It's always been my healing grace. But it won't come out. I know I'll find my peace in time and be able to devote my energy to postive memories.

I wish I could answer your questions here.  I've never lost anyone to suicide.  But I do think it would help to think of suicide as a disease like any other; for example, cancer.  So when you think of these people who have died from suicide, substitute the word "cancer" for "suicide."  Then see if you still feel anger at their "selfishness," or whether your anger is directed more at the disease that took their lives.  Maybe, at the least, you can eliminate the guilt you're feeling over being angry, and redirect the anger at the disease instead of the person.  Thinking of the person as a victim might also help you reach the stage of grief.

These are all simplistic ideas, and I don't know if they'll work or not.  The OP does contain contact information for help groups for people who have lost others to suicide; you might check those.

I'll stop giving advice now; it's probably not worth much and I'm sure it's not really all that new to you.  I just can't help it; I'm programmed to give advice.

It's my way of saying I'm with you, I care, and I feel at least some of your pain.

BlackLotus wrote:
Hi all,

I've not posted in this thread before but I really struggle with depression (especially at this time of the year, the cold and the dark always affect me). I'm currently on the waiting list for counselling sessions from the NHS but no appointments seem forthcoming. I'm considering private at the moment but what with the credit crunch its seeming like less and less of an option.

I can only give thanks for my boyfriend who has been supportive through everything and sometimes is very much the only reason I'm still here. To explain I self-harmed for close to 5 years before I met him and its his patience and care which has helped me feel that its not something I need to do to release any more.

Anyway, the point I wanted to make is that if anyone wanted to chat then please let me know. I like to think I am a good listener.

Take care all

Rach xx

Thanks for joining us. Strength in numbers. We're all stronger together than separate.

Kayelless wrote:

for me that kind of thing is depression.  Why? Because if anyone has challenges to overcome he does and yet he does so and is happy.
I look at myself, strong and whole and feel guilty for not being "so happy."  The resulting conflict brings on more feelings of depression.

I understand and had similar feelings when I watched it. The thing that I focused on, though, is when he "fell down" and what he said. He can try 100 times to get back up and fail. If he doesn't try anymore, he'll never get back up.

What I get from that is: He strove to overcome his personal obstacles and continues to do so. He didn't stop. He didn't give up. He finds a way.

Natasha240 wrote:
I'm tired of being defective

You aren't defective. You are awesome. Here.....see for yourself...

https://www.modelmayhem.com/po.php?thre … ost8648372

Kayelles and Lawrence Guy are there too.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:

You aren't defective. You are awesome. Here.....see for yourself...

https://www.modelmayhem.com/po.php?thre … ost8648372

Kayelles and Lawrence Guy are there too.

*Reads thread, gets all choked up*
dude... thanks

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
So, I'm feeling like I'm about to fall. Like I'm hanging onto that rope for dear life while it slowly frays apart and all I can do is wait. I know it's coming, I just don't know exactly when.

It hurts like hell when I hit the bottom. Each time I fall farther and lower. Each time it hurts more.

PM me, please.  Just to talk.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
You aren't defective. You are awesome. Here.....see for yourself...

https://www.modelmayhem.com/po.php?thre … ost8648372

Kayelles and Lawrence Guy are there too.

I am amazed by how much that means to me.  Thank you.

Natasha240 wrote:
I'm tired of being defective

You aren't defective.  You suffer from a disease, and you aren't alone.  I want to say how much you are in my thoughts, every day.  I pray for you and everyone else who suffers through these agonies.

This goes for you and for anyone else who is suffering and reading this thread; PM me if you're hurting.  I can't promise an immediate response, but I definitely WILL respond.  For my sake as much as for yours.

--Guy

Lawrence Guy wrote:

I wish I could answer your questions here.  I've never lost anyone to suicide.  But I do think it would help to think of suicide as a disease like any other; for example, cancer.  So when you think of these people who have died from suicide, substitute the word "cancer" for "suicide."  Then see if you still feel anger at their "selfishness," or whether your anger is directed more at the disease that took their lives.  Maybe, at the least, you can eliminate the guilt you're feeling over being angry, and redirect the anger at the disease instead of the person.  Thinking of the person as a victim might also help you reach the stage of grief.

These are all simplistic ideas, and I don't know if they'll work or not.  The OP does contain contact information for help groups for people who have lost others to suicide; you might check those.

I'll stop giving advice now; it's probably not worth much and I'm sure it's not really all that new to you.  I just can't help it; I'm programmed to give advice.

It's my way of saying I'm with you, I care, and I feel at least some of your pain.

Well said Guy.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:

You aren't defective. You are awesome. Here.....see for yourself...

https://www.modelmayhem.com/po.php?thre … ost8648372

Kayelles and Lawrence Guy are there too.

***eyes well up*****

thank you, that means a lot!

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
So, I'm feeling like I'm about to fall. Like I'm hanging onto that rope for dear life while it slowly frays apart and all I can do is wait. I know it's coming, I just don't know exactly when.

It hurts like hell when I hit the bottom. Each time I fall farther and lower. Each time it hurts more.

Hey.....PM or call if you want ok? I feel you, maybe we can just get on the phone and cry together for a while?

**Hugs****

Magnolia Photography wrote:
After 4 years of all abuse possible, i just reported my ex to the police. They have not even taken a statement yet and I cannot wait to vent at my psychologist tomorrow... think i need a screaming fit!!!!!

I wrote this:

"How can any one be so cruel and seem so innocent?
In a warped world of causing pain and suffering, power.
But every second I breathe the torture breathes with me, lives on inside my head. Stops me from being able to live the life I survived for.

A survivor.

I pat myself on the back, but for what? Am I suppose to act as if nothing has happened? As if it is all over?

He walks the streets free.

Enters into new relationships. New victims? Possible.
Can anyone truly change or did he despise only me? The sound, look, touch of me, to take me in his arms and destroy me, painfully. He wanted me dead, but secretly enjoyed me being alive, him being able to over and over again, kill my soul.

I live with his pain, his touch, his cowardice, his threats, his hands around my neck, his pillow over my face. Choking my will to do something with my life.

My husband who’s life is being destroyed by my ex husbands constant torture living, everyday, in my head.

As long as I am alive he lives on.

Am I really a survivor?

When will they give my hurt a label? A syndrome? An illness? As I face the ticking clock of social judgement. People wanting to fix me as I am broken.

If I am broken, what is he? Sane? Free? My suffering never ends.

Surely he is the survivor. The survivor having escaped the law, prosecution. And me?

What am I?
A drama queen? A liar? Mentally ill?

I’m alive.

I am alive."





I am a survivor, 21 years old, still struggling to live on with what happened to me, abused for 4 years. Re-married, happy yet haunted by my past.

Oh my..I too am a survivor! I have been married for 14 years and still have many issues........it didn't help that I saw "him" the other day as I was driving my mother to work....Funny how someone you haven't talked to nor seen in 14 years can scare you so badly and send your emotional state into an uncontrollable downward spiral....

Kayelless wrote:
I'm whupped. My sister's death has really pushed me down.  I'm off my regular sleep schedule and my push forward motivation is extremely hard to start and keep running.

Kevin,

I know you are grieving. Don't beat yourself up, you need to take care of yourself, to allow yourself to feel these things. You are allowed to be sad, and don't think you arent. I'm thinking of you.

SPierce Photography wrote:

*hug* you aren't defective, and you aren't alone either!

***hug back***

Lawrence Guy wrote:

You aren't defective.  You suffer from a disease, and you aren't alone.  I want to say how much you are in my thoughts, every day.  I pray for you and everyone else who suffers through these agonies.

This goes for you and for anyone else who is suffering and reading this thread; PM me if you're hurting.  I can't promise an immediate response, but I definitely WILL respond.  For my sake as much as for yours.

--Guy

Thanks Guy. I've noticed more sadness, a lot of people seem to be struggling right now. Have you ever heard the statistic that says there are more suicides this time of year, after the holidays?

I think it has something to do with the fact that during said holidays, we have a "goal", of "getting through it". After they pass.....what is the goal? Ok, we've made it.....now what?

Natasha240 wrote:

Hey.....PM or call if you want ok? I feel you, maybe we can just get on the phone and cry together for a while?

**Hugs****

I almost sent you a text last night after I read your post, but didn't want to wake you up if you were finally getting some sleep. Guess I should have. I'll be working today. Usually work keeps me preoccupied.

I just hope you're feeling better.