Scottsworld71 wrote:
wow! Thanks for the info, I never knew this was an actual disorder, it describes me perfectly. Ive gone through this every year  for a long long time, I was told it was just " the winter blahs"  and would try to explain that it WASNT ... it was something a lot bigger. looks like ive got some investigating to do! THANKS!!

You are very welcomed my friend!!

TOP OF THE PAGE!! Woot Woot Sweet Glory!!

Scottsworld71 wrote:

wow! Thanks for the info, I never knew this was an actual disorder, it describes me perfectly. Ive gone through this every year  for a long long time, I was told it was just " the winter blahs"  and would try to explain that it WASNT ... it was something a lot bigger. looks like ive got some investigating to do! THANKS!!

Bucephalas69 wrote:

I use daylight balanced bulbs throughout my house.
It looks very blue when people look in but it helps keep the black dog at bay!

Bucephalas69 wrote:

I use daylight balanced bulbs throughout my house.
It looks very blue when people look in but it helps keep the black dog at bay!

oh maybe i should try that. probably cheaper than a SAD light

Tim Little Photography wrote:
You may have said it into the air Jules but it lands on right on me. I used to feel bad that I had grow to where my father meant nothing to me. At his funeral I had time to focus on how he treated us, and me. How he treated my mother and I came to the conclusion that he gets off lucky. I should hate him, or pity him. Instead he just means nothing. That doesn't mean that I don't struggle with the painful things he would say to me and others. IT means I was somehow able to lower his power in my life to a point where he doesn't even count.

Love ya Jules, I hope you are having the kind of day that you deserve, filled with massive love and belly laughs and bone deep contentment!

Tim

You are a truly caring person Tim.
I really appreciate that.

I'm starting to become apathetic towards my parents.
Their behavior/commentary is losing value and doesn't hurt anymore.

I would be very embarrassed to bring anyone I cared about home.
I would be afraid they would try to belittle me in front of any man.

In fact, when I'm treated decently I think it's such an honor because I'm not used to it.  Sad really.

I'm going to see one of my girlfriends in a couple hours.
She's been friends with me since 4 years old.

She is kind, like you.


Jules

Tim Little Photography wrote:
[...] How he treated my mother and I came to the conclusion that he gets off lucky. I should hate him, or pity him. Instead he just means nothing. That doesn't mean that I don't struggle with the painful things he would say to me and others. [...]

Jules NYC wrote:
I'm starting to become apathetic towards my parents.
Their behavior/commentary is losing value and doesn't hurt anymore.

I would be very embarrassed to bring anyone I cared about home.
I would be afraid they would try to belittle me in front of any man. [...]

Your familiarity with abuse leaves you potentially vulnerable to greater abuse.
Be careful not to let yourself be victimized by others ... or to victimize others.

255 West wrote:

Tim Little Photography wrote:
[...] How he treated my mother and I came to the conclusion that he gets off lucky. I should hate him, or pity him. Instead he just means nothing. That doesn't mean that I don't struggle with the painful things he would say to me and others. [...]

Your familiarity with abuse leaves you potentially vulnerable to greater abuse.
Be careful not to let yourself be victimized by others ... or to victimize others.

http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168

Basic Rights in a Relationship
If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Evans (1992) suggests the following as basic rights in a relationship for you and your partner:

The right to good will from the other.
The right to emotional support.
The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
The right to live free from accusation and blame.
The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
The right to encouragement.
The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

Tim Little Photography wrote:
Good morning Sunshine people! Lets all glow today!

Tim Little Photography wrote:
Good morning Sunshine people! Lets all glow today!

Tim Little Photography wrote:
Funny how my post from this morning mocks me just these few hours later. "Let's glow"! Yea sure.

I feel sad and lonely tonight. I see people I used to have a life with busy with their activities and sometimes it hits me. I'm here, can't get up and go anywhere. The saddest part, no body wants to take the time anymore.

I have this friend. I did some retouch on a snapshot she took, I do that a lot for her. And of course she loved it. She says her daughter needs pictures for a calendar and all of her pretty friends will probably pay for a shoot if they like hers. I've been living for that. So its message after message. "Tim, I'll call you Friday at X time". "Tim, so sorry I didn't call, I'll call today around X time". "Tim, I'm so sorry, I'll call tomorrow at X time I promise." "Tim, I'll call Monday..." Tuesday"... And now I've been waiting to talk to her since 5:30pm. This isn't a casual acquaintance. She is a long long time deep friend. And she, like all the other deep close friends. Are drifting away, I'm not in their orbit anymore. And I'm not even worth honoring the promise of a god dammed phone call. Sadder still is that just getting to talk to my friend has been the one treat that I've been looking forward to so hard. I knew she would never blow me off.

But now I on the margin. Soon it will be "remember Tim? I wonder if he ever got better".

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. But this morning's post is just a reminder that the sadness and disappointment is transient. You can glow again soon

On another note, I had a similar situation with some friends. It hurts but it too shall pass and something or someone new will take it's place

Enfire Photography wrote:

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. But this morning's post is just a reminder that the sadness and disappointment is transient. You can glow again soon

On another note, I had a similar situation with some friends. It hurts but it too shall pass and something or someone new will take it's place

Thank you for caring Faith. And you are right. My emotions go from way up to way down in a minute now. I am in a very delicate place. At therapy today it became apparent that, at least for the time being, I am living as my "inner child". I'm Tim at 12 and burned. I'm Tim at 10 and hiding from my drunk father. I'm Tim at 9 praying my mama will wake up and get off the kitchen floor.

I cry a dozen times a day. I feel and smell and see all of that childhood so clearly. My Therapist is very happy, and proud of me for being able to come here. I'm terrified I will be stuck here. But I'm also determined to know why I'm here.

It's odd. I cannot see the faces of anyone. I feel three feet tall when I let my mind go there. That's one reason I really wanted to talk with my friend. I needed an hour of connecting with reality. But you can't ask a civilian to call you because you are doing inner child work and you need to be brought back to reality!!

Thank you Faith. I wish I could take you with me when I go back. You could hold my hand.

Alkemie Jane wrote:
So glad to see this thread still going strong!

I don't post in here as much as I would like anymore- hell, this is the first time I've even logged onto MM in a few months- and I don't ask for help half the times I probably should, but even when I don't say it, it's so incredible to see you guys supporting one another, to see that someone gives a damn.

Thank you, guys. *hearts*

Thanks for stopping by. Don't be a strangers! This is a special place on the web. To say it is a lifesaver would be true, at least in my case. My deep thanks and appreciation go to all who have contributed over the years!

Faith EnFire wrote:
its friday. I have a little anxiety over this weekend since i want to create something, but I don't know on what side of the camera or still life or bake

maybe I'll do all of the above

Bake something wonderful and then create mouthwatering photo's of each tasty item. It's the best of all possible worlds!

Faith EnFire wrote:
morning

this weekend was relatively unproductive, but I have plans for the week. I feel the urge to bake and I have a light and shadow still life plan

It feels good to have such plans

I did take a photo of my eye

Tim Little Photography wrote:
Soon it will be "remember Tim? I wonder if he ever got better".

I don't think anyone will remember me or even care enough to even think about me like this

Chris Rifkin wrote:

I don't think anyone will remember me or even care enough to even think about me like this

I'm sorry my statement found a place in your mind Chris. I was in a state of horrific depression and PTSD induced anxiety. For the moment, in my clear mind. I'm wise enough to know that the only way one is remembered is for that which we give.

Clearly you are hurting right now Chris. You have every right to open your heart here and release all your feelings. We get to feel sorry for ourselves here but often we need to do that. We get to express our fears and sadness and lonely life. I live in a capsule of alone. This website is my only outlet most days. I grow trapped and dependent on broadband to keep me alive. When the internet goes out I flat line.

But Chris. I remember. Remember our private message chats this past Summer. About finances and love and all the big stuff? Remember how you helped me at my lowest? I remember. In a tiny amount of time and in a most impersonal form of communications you have given me friendship, guidance, the honor of holding your fears and concerns for you. Hell, you even gave me cash. All of that, just one of those makes you a hero in my book.

Remember you? How could I ever ever forget you my glorious friend!

Tim

P.S. You know my PM is always open, as long as the internet holds out!

Kelsey-L wrote:
I keep opening this thread.. wanting to write down all that I feel.. but when I click reply I stare at the blank box.. and keep closing out of it.

So thought I would check in..

I know this will sound gross but sometimes you just have to vomit out the sick. You can do that here. If you want, you can PM me if that makes it better. I'll even hold your hair back so it doesn't get yucky!

Tim Little Photography wrote:
Good morning and happy Thursday! It's PTSD therapy day for the Timster! I'm looking forward to it. I get to put on shoes and pants and other clothing devices and enjoy an exciting motorcar ride across town. I used to pretend to be that pig in the TV commercial and go "weeee, weeeee" but the motorcar driver started to cry. It turns out that he used to drive little piggy's to what he thought was a little piggy daycare center. actually it is a upscale eatery where the customer gets to select the piggy of his choice, stun gun it and have it served to him with apple sauce and cold Marshmallow juice. So now I just ride to my appointment in quite repose.

So have a great day OK? Woot To Power!

Tim