Barbara DivaEroticus wrote:
I'm on my phone, so I can't write much.  Bad when I got home.  How can I last a week?  And I worry about The Rachel home when he's home and I'm at work.  Not that he'll hurt her, but that he'll harass her.  I found some of my cds in the trash, tonight.  This morning it was the chess board that my brother made for him.  I would never have known if I hadn't cleaned the litter box, this morning, taken out the trash tonight.  Those are things he usually does.

Barbara, the most important thing right now is to determine if everyone is physically safe. How badly will he harass Rachel? How old is she? If you want to talk, actually talk on the phone just private message me, I can hook up my magic jack and its a free call. If not you can pm me all night if you need too. We are here for you dear!

Barbara DivaEroticus wrote:
I'm on my phone, so I can't write much.  Bad when I got home.  How can I last a week?  And I worry about The Rachel home when he's home and I'm at work.  Not that he'll hurt her, but that he'll harass her.  I found some of my cds in the trash, tonight.  This morning it was the chess board that my brother made for him.  I would never have known if I hadn't cleaned the litter box, this morning, taken out the trash tonight.  Those are things he usually does.

If the time stamp that I'm seeing is based on my time and not yours it's been pretty close to twenty four hours with silence on your end, I hope you are ok.

ckhd Photography wrote:
Hi.  It's been a while.

Glad to see a lot of familiar faces here... not because they are still needing help and support, but because they are still here.

I've been doing pretty good.  Ups and downs.  Tried to go off the happy pills (with psychologist and Dr's approval), didn't work.  They don't seem to work as well now. 

Really down this weekend.  A friend that is VERY important in my eyes came to town this weekend to see their relatives.  I haven't seen them in two years, and I thought I was pretty important to them too, but now they are completely avoiding me.  They even told me they were coming and couldn't wait to see me.  They leave tomorrow.  I suppose I'm just feeling sorry for myself because I realized I am not important to them.

Last night I went to bed hoping I'd never wake up.  That hasn't happened since I tried to quit my meds back in June.  I need to get my mind around it and get over it.  Sorry for whining.  I needed to tell someone.

unfortunately a lot of psych meds don't work as well the second time around, like trileptal, lamictal, depakote, etc.
maybe they just had so many people to see they couldn't see you?

Tim Little Photography wrote:
I thought I might share some happy news with my S&V family. It's not much but yesterday I took the first step in my weight loss program. Under my doctor's care I am doing a Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD) program. I get all the protein and nutrients I need but my caloric intake is around 500 calories a day. Maybe 600. With my leg all messed up I can't really do any exercise right now. The VLCD has been studied for years and research has found that even normal weight people benefit from calorie reduction. I have about 100 pounds to drop so its going to take a while. I have decided to talk about my journey here, Facebook and a new blog I'm gonna start this week. I hope "BlubberWars" is still available as a domain name!!!

Wish me luck guys!

good luck!
as someone who has fought the weight battle my whole life, i know how hard it can be! at age 17/18 i was 265 lbs...i like to blame part of that on anxiety and anti-depressant meds which made me gain 45 lbs in one summer...but as you can see by doing the math, i was plenty large before that weight gain. i lost 120 lbs while in college, all due to walking and eating several, small meals per day (mostly fruits and veggies, and drinking so much water i had to constantly pee!!)
now i'm 36 and have pudged-up a bit again and am up to almost 190, but working on getting down to 175/180, which is the most comfortable and easy to maintain weight for me.
it does take a while, but happens faster than you expect it to. and because it takes a while, you don't see the changes happening to your body because they aren't huge changes which happen all at once. i definitely recommend tracking measurements along with weight loss, often loss of inches will manifest a lot sooner than a large loss of pounds. and if you document your journey with, say, twice monthly or monthly photos, you will be able to better SEE the visible results and changes of your hard work.
above all, don't starve yourself...not eating is counter-productive to weight loss. i recommend keeping a lot of fruit and veggies in the house to snack on when you get hungry but don't want to blow your calorie count. and drink, drink, drink that water!!

good luck!

Tim Little Photography wrote:
I thought I might share some happy news with my S&V family. It's not much but yesterday I took the first step in my weight loss program. Under my doctor's care I am doing a Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD) program. I get all the protein and nutrients I need but my caloric intake is around 500 calories a day. Maybe 600. With my leg all messed up I can't really do any exercise right now. The VLCD has been studied for years and research has found that even normal weight people benefit from calorie reduction. I have about 100 pounds to drop so its going to take a while. I have decided to talk about my journey here, Facebook and a new blog I'm gonna start this week. I hope "BlubberWars" is still available as a domain name!!!

Wish me luck guys!

Is it HCG?  Just curious because the HCG method is about 500 calories a day.

My weekend significantly improved today.  Yeah, a Monday that was actually good.  My friend stopped by my work on their way out of town and we had a good talk.  We worked out a lot of issues, and it all feels much more resolved and good.  I spent the rest of the day in a good mood and smiling.

Star Child wrote:
back and forth. it's a fight. i've got a lot on my plate right now so it's been real difficult for me to contribute anything useful here so I've been a bit quiet.

You've been there for all of us, so we're here for you...

ckhd Photography wrote:

Is it HCG?  Just curious because the HCG method is about 500 calories a day.

My weekend significantly improved today.  Yeah, a Monday that was actually good.  My friend stopped by my work on their way out of town and we had a good talk.  We worked out a lot of issues, and it all feels much more resolved and good.  I spent the rest of the day in a good mood and smiling.

It's not HCG it is the Cambridge Diet. A few years ago when I was in a better financial position I used the Medifast program to lose about 40 pounds. I found that I do very well and feel very good in a high protein, reduced carb diet. It just feels right in my body. Medifast is very expensive so I started do some research. Cambridge is based out of the UK but has a U.S. operation as well. The make up of their shakes are much like those from Medifast. Cambridge has been been through 30 years of study and testing and is found to be very safe under medical supervision. I wouldn't do such a low cal diet if I were able to add exercise to the mix but for the time being upper body weights are about all I can do. The important this is I am getting all the nutrients I need. And water, drink LOTS of water!

Faith EnFire wrote:
I was on meds once that made me gain 50lbs in one month...i stopped taking it. that was unacceptable. found something else that worked

good luck, Tim. but if it doesn't feel right talk to the doctor right away, but I'm sure you already know that

Hi Faith! Thanks for the wise advice. I agree that you have to listen to your body and know when to walk away. I go back to the doctor today. I've lost 4 pounds since Sunday. I'm sure it's water weight but still it's nice to see the numbers go down. I suspect she is going want me to increase my calories.

Tim

Tim Little Photography wrote:

Hi Faith! Thanks for the wise advice. I agree that you have to listen to your body and know when to walk away. I go back to the doctor today. I've lost 4 pounds since Sunday. I'm sure it's water weight but still it's nice to see the numbers go down. I suspect she is going want me to increase my calories.

Tim

well good luck

Julia Kei wrote:
I feel like there's no help for me.
I fell asleep last night to him listing everything he hates about me.
I woke up to the same.
I'm not saying I'm writing this then going to go kill myself.
I'm just saying I've reached that point where I feel like there's nothing worthwhile about my existence anymore.

I'm sorry you are at that point Julia. I've been there myself a few times so I know how terrible it is. Living with someone with BPD can be like torture. Try to remember that even though he has this disorder he is still 100% responsible for everything he does and says. Ask yourself if you would take this behavior from someone not afflicted. Julia, I also hope you can find a way to see that your existence isn't predicated on the opinion of him, or anyone else. I had to learn that the hard way too. My ex was my first experience with Borderline Personality Disorder. I had no idea a person could be so horribly cruel and say that they love you.

Is he getting treatment? Does he take his meds properly?

You know we are all here for you Julia. Please continue to reach out instead of holding it all in. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want.

Tim

Julia Kei wrote:
I feel like there's no help for me.
I fell asleep last night to him listing everything he hates about me.
I woke up to the same.
I'm not saying I'm writing this then going to go kill myself.
I'm just saying I've reached that point where I feel like there's nothing worthwhile about my existence anymore.

there are plenty of good things

hugs

Faith EnFire wrote:
there are plenty of good things

hugs

+1



There was a time when I didn't want to live anymore.  That didn't mean I wanted to die, I just didn't want to live.  I think there's a difference.  I just didn't feel like I was living.  I've been dying inside for a long time, so maybe it's just that.  We'll be better, you and I, and everyone who has to face things like this.

I have a couple of new friends.  They're court reporters that I know through work.  We've known each other for years, but will finally be getting together.  One of them sent me a Christmas card and a lovely bottle of wine.  It was the sweetest thing I can remember anyone doing for me in a very long time.  This made me feel a tiny bit more alive inside.  I can't wait to hang out with them!

Barbara DivaEroticus wrote:

+1



There was a time when I didn't want to live anymore.  That didn't mean I wanted to die, I just didn't want to live.  I think there's a difference.  I just didn't feel like I was living.  I've been dieing inside for a long time, so maybe it's just that.  We'll be better, you and I, and everyone who has to face things like this.

I have a couple of new friends.  They're court reporters that I know through work.  We've known each other for years, but will finally be getting together.  One of them sent me a Christmas card and a lovely bottle of wine.  It was the sweetest thing I can remember anyone doing for me in a very long time.  This made me feel a tiny bit more alive inside.  I can't wait to hang out with them!

yeah, i get that sometimes too.

I think I'm making some real life friends. I always have a hard time with that. I thought i had a few but when push came to shove, not so much. but I'm hanging with a new crowd so I hope something will develop there
I'm going to be 30, I should have friends outside of the internets

Tim Little Photography wrote:

I'm sorry you are at that point Julia. I've been there myself a few times so I know how terrible it is. Living with someone with BPD can be like torture. Try to remember that even though he has this disorder he is still 100% responsible for everything he does and says. Ask yourself if you would take this behavior from someone not afflicted. Julia, I also hope you can find a way to see that your existence isn't predicated on the opinion of him, or anyone else. I had to learn that the hard way too. My ex was my first experience with Borderline Personality Disorder. I had no idea a person could be so horribly cruel and say that they love you.

Is he getting treatment? Does he take his meds properly?

You know we are all here for you Julia. Please continue to reach out instead of holding it all in. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want.

Tim

beautiful

Barbara DivaEroticus wrote:

+1



There was a time when I didn't want to live anymore.  That didn't mean I wanted to die, I just didn't want to live.  I think there's a difference.  I just didn't feel like I was living.  I've been dieing inside for a long time, so maybe it's just that.  We'll be better, you and I, and everyone who has to face things like this.

I have a couple of new friends.  They're court reporters that I know through work.  We've known each other for years, but will finally be getting together.  One of them sent me a Christmas card and a lovely bottle of wine.  It was the sweetest thing I can remember anyone doing for me in a very long time.  This made me feel a tiny bit more alive inside.  I can't wait to hang out with them!

Change comes as we seek it. Hold on to your belief in yourself. A lot of times we've been struggling in a mud pit for so long we begin to think we are mud. Getting it off of us we begin to see ourselves in better view.

Star Child wrote:

Change comes as we seek it. Hold on to your belief in yourself. A lot of times we've been struggling in a mud pit for so long we begin to think we are mud. Getting it off of us we begin to see ourselves in better view.

+1

Tim Little Photography wrote:

I'm sorry you are at that point Julia. I've been there myself a few times so I know how terrible it is. Living with someone with BPD can be like torture. Try to remember that even though he has this disorder he is still 100% responsible for everything he does and says. Ask yourself if you would take this behavior from someone not afflicted. Julia, I also hope you can find a way to see that your existence isn't predicated on the opinion of him, or anyone else. I had to learn that the hard way too. My ex was my first experience with Borderline Personality Disorder. I had no idea a person could be so horribly cruel and say that they love you.

Is he getting treatment? Does he take his meds properly?

You know we are all here for you Julia. Please continue to reach out instead of holding it all in. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want.

Tim

He is, we are also doing couples therapy with an anger management specialist who also deals with eating disorders and trauma as I was in a 3 year sexual/physical/verbally abusive relationship. Today he switches from depakote to lithium. It was suggested by a very sweet boy in my CNA class who apparently has BPD.

Faith EnFire wrote:

there are plenty of good things

hugs

Yes. Like modeling!

Jem Iredale wrote:
And on top of it all I feel lost and total hideous again, jezus cripes I honestly hate myself.
Rant
Rant.

Hi Jem
I also so some of your other post in OT. I'm sorry you are going through this hardship. A breakup with a loved on is horrible. I was blind and didn't see it coming. You said in the other thread that you are having anxiety attacks. I have them as well, they are terrible. But mine are controlled now. There really isn't much you can do to heal the hurt of a breakup except to accept it and move on. Some of the comments in the other thread were stupid. Talking it through with friends helps. Please let me know if I can do anything for you dear!

Tim

Tim Little Photography wrote:
Hi Jem
I also so some of your other post in OT. I'm sorry you are going through this hardship. A breakup with a loved on is horrible. I was blind and didn't see it coming. You said in the other thread that you are having anxiety attacks. I have them as well, they are terrible. But mine are controlled now. There really isn't much you can do to heal the hurt of a breakup except to accept it and move on. Some of the comments in the other thread were stupid. Talking it through with friends helps. Please let me know if I can do anything for you dear!

Tim

+1
i had one break up end suddenly. but I let it go. but i barely got out of bed for a month. and while i don't see him ever, I hope the best for him and his new very lovely wife. (we broke up well over eight years again but i see him in a local college news now and then)

Julia Kei wrote:

Yes. Like modeling!

and photography, my drawing is good but not great, can't paint, or sing. I've had writers block for eight years so when i want to express something I use photography

Julia Kei wrote:
He was so sweet last night, and this morning. And the I couldn't find my keys he had last used. He insisted they were in the room. Yelled at me for doubting him because he'd only used them to get my stuff out of the trunk several times, so on the day of my first test in my CNA program, I was late. Because I found the keys in the kitchen. And he wanted me to stand there so he could tell me to shut up and verbally abuse me some more.
Cries the whole way to school, sped, was barely late. Made it for the test.
At this point I could care less if I woke up every morning.
He accused me of yelling and cursing but my mon was there to reassure him I did none of that.
What happened to the person I met?
What happened to the woman who respected herself too much for this?

Those are good questions Julia. Why do you take this from him? Are you dependent on him for money or housing? If you were to leave him what would the economic impact be?  You cannot expect him to change. Ask yourself if this relationship is allowing you to grow and enjoy life or knocking you down and destroying life?

Tim Little Photography wrote:

Those are good questions Julia. Why do you take this from him? Are you dependent on him for money or housing? If you were to leave him what would the economic impact be?  You cannot expect him to change. Ask yourself if this relationship is allowing you to grow and enjoy life or knocking you down and destroying life?

I agree with Tim. You should always look out for #1!
I learned this the hard way, and even though it was painful to leave her, I think I did right to move out and get a divorce.

Julia Kei wrote:
He was so sweet last night, and this morning. And the I couldn't find my keys he had last used. He insisted they were in the room. Yelled at me for doubting him because he'd only used them to get my stuff out of the trunk several times, so on the day of my first test in my CNA program, I was late. Because I found the keys in the kitchen. And he wanted me to stand there so he could tell me to shut up and verbally abuse me some more.
Cries the whole way to school, sped, was barely late. Made it for the test.
At this point I could care less if I woke up every morning.
He accused me of yelling and cursing but my mon was there to reassure him I did none of that.
What happened to the person I met?
What happened to the woman who respected herself too much for this?

Julia, I have asked those same questions.  There are a lot of answers here:  http://bpdfamily.com/index.html

Your situation is so similar to what I've gone through.  :hugs:

Barbara DivaEroticus wrote:

Julia, I have asked those same questions.  There are a lot of answers here:  http://bpdfamily.com/index.html

Your situation is so similar to what I've gone through.  :hugs:

^^^
This is why I love and support this thread so much.

There are times when I wish the title was a little more indicative of what's found here, but as it is when folks do venture in they find others who are dealing with similar issues and can relate and even provide additional informative help.

Faith EnFire wrote:
morning all