Sanguine Jackal wrote:
Is it bad of me to think suicidal thoughts often?

Not seriously contemplating it, more of a "What if" thing, and then I quickly dismiss it... tried that once, never again.

But very often, if I start daydreaming, I wonder what would happen if this disaster or that disaster hit. Like when we found out someone had brought a knife into our store and I found it, I imagined what would have happened if there was another person holding it instead of it sitting on the shelf.

Or I imagine what it's like to drown, or have someone break into my house and murder me.

....I think I need more chocolate...

If it is in relation to feelings of depression....... I'd say "yes."

Also, I would like to mention that there is a huge difference between feeling down about anything and suffering from depression.  Everybody has times when something will make them feel down and upset, but when we let it become our regular routine so much so that we relish in the feeling we are in deep water and need to get back to land.

Kayelless wrote:
If it is in relation to feelings of depression....... I'd say "yes."

Also, I would like to mention that there is a huge difference between feeling down about anything and suffering from depression.  Everybody has times when something will make them feel down and upset, but when we let it become our regular routine so much so that we relish in the feeling we are in deep water and need to get back to land.

Well, I've had swings between highs and lows very violently and without warning... the highs are usually very brief and the lows can last for months at a time. I cry over the most ridiculous things (I have a soft spot for homeless people and love kittens, so when I saw a kitten in a video with a 'Homeless please help' sign I got really upset), and mom even asked me the other day if I always get this depressed around finals. Most of my friends have told me in the past I'm suffering from depression and should see a doctor, but I can't afford the trips into town to see him anymore. Also, I try not to let my friends be the judge of my psychological state.

I do feed on drama, though. My life always has it; if there's not enough, eventually I end up stirring it up, on accident or on purpose.

Sanguine Jackal wrote:

Well, I've had swings between highs and lows very violently and without warning... the highs are usually very brief and the lows can last for months at a time. I cry over the most ridiculous things (I have a soft spot for homeless people and love kittens, so when I saw a kitten in a video with a 'Homeless please help' sign I got really upset), and mom even asked me the other day if I always get this depressed around finals. Most of my friends have told me in the past I'm suffering from depression and should see a doctor, but I can't afford the trips into town to see him anymore. Also, I try not to let my friends be the judge of my psychological state.

I do feed on drama, though. My life always has it; if there's not enough, eventually I end up stirring it up, on accident or on purpose.

First off I want to say that I'm merely someone who suffers, but because I'm currently involved in active combat with it I'm experienced with some of the symptoms and/or helpful solutions.

Now for me...... I tried to deal with it for years alone to myself until this year when it nearly cost me the best job I've ever had in my life.  Fortunately for me, one of the reasons it is the best is because of all the employee assistance provided, so I decided to take advantage of it in order to save it.

To make a long story short I'll soon be heading out to go to my therapist appointment and pick-up my monthly prescription.  When I return I will be $100 poorer for the costs, but 100% richer for the results.  In other words, we have to make it a priority in our lives to get well. It's not an easy task or simple solution, but I think it's worth it.

But that is the reason I support this thread.  I want others to know that by supporting others we all help ourselves win our personal battles.  So, please, know that I'm here for you, too.

Courtney Starr wrote:

Me too! I'm worried!  I've always been a happy-go-lucky person...I wasn't aware these feelings were so widespread.
If anyone wants to pm me, I'm no expert, but I love to talk, and maybe meeting someone new would be a nice distraction...

I will pray for everybody.

Thank you. Just knowing someone is there helps tremendously.

Sanguine Jackal wrote:
Is it bad of me to think suicidal thoughts often?

Not seriously contemplating it, more of a "What if" thing, and then I quickly dismiss it... tried that once, never again.

But very often, if I start daydreaming, I wonder what would happen if this disaster or that disaster hit. Like when we found out someone had brought a knife into our store and I found it, I imagined what would have happened if there was another person holding it instead of it sitting on the shelf.

Or I imagine what it's like to drown, or have someone break into my house and murder me.

....I think I need more chocolate...

Sanguine Jackal wrote:
Well, I've had swings between highs and lows very violently and without warning... the highs are usually very brief and the lows can last for months at a time. I cry over the most ridiculous things (I have a soft spot for homeless people and love kittens, so when I saw a kitten in a video with a 'Homeless please help' sign I got really upset), and mom even asked me the other day if I always get this depressed around finals. Most of my friends have told me in the past I'm suffering from depression and should see a doctor, but I can't afford the trips into town to see him anymore. Also, I try not to let my friends be the judge of my psychological state.

I do feed on drama, though. My life always has it; if there's not enough, eventually I end up stirring it up, on accident or on purpose.

I'm very much like you. I'm always thinking of the "What ifs" that could end up with me dead. Driving home from work...what if something happens to my steering? And I always think to myself that I really don't care....sometimes I hope it does happen. As long as no one else gets hurt, that is.

It sounds to me like you're manic-depressive....bipolar. That's how I am, too. I'll be going along great for awhile then all of a sudden with very little warning it hits hard...deep depression. All I want to do is sit around and cry. If it wasn't for work sometimes I think I would have nothing else to do but sit and cry...and that happens quite often. I try to immerse myself in work...or photography...or something. They've tried to link internet use to depression as being a cause....I think they have it wrong. I think people seek out the internet when they are depressed because it's their way of reaching out to others who understand. It is for me.

Chocolate is not good for you. I know you don't wanna hear that, but it's true. It certainly doesn't help.

Kayelless wrote:

First off I want to say that I'm merely someone who suffers, but because I'm currently involved in active combat with it I'm experienced with some of the symptoms and/or helpful solutions.

Now for me...... I tried to deal with it for years alone to myself until this year when it nearly cost me the best job I've ever had in my life.  Fortunately for me, one of the reasons it is the best is because of all the employee assistance provided, so I decided to take advantage of it in order to save it.

To make a long story short I'll soon be heading out to go to my therapist appointment and pick-up my monthly prescription.  When I return I will be $100 poorer for the costs, but 100% richer for the results.  In other words, we have to make it a priority in our lives to get well. It's not an easy task or simple solution, but I think it's worth it.

But that is the reason I support this thread.  I want others to know that by supporting others we all help ourselves win our personal battles.  So, please, know that I'm here for you, too.

True enough. It's hard to put a price on happiness. Or if not happiness, then well-being and health. I'm so glad you are here. It makes me smile when I see your posts here.

I just read something inspirational in a local entertainment weekly newspaper today while at work. It struck home with me...hard. Luckily they also put the paper online and the store is there...it's just an intro to the paper by the General Manager. The last 3 paragraphs really got me.

Watch me dance

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:

Sanguine Jackal wrote:
Is it bad of me to think suicidal thoughts often?

Not seriously contemplating it, more of a "What if" thing, and then I quickly dismiss it... tried that once, never again.

But very often, if I start daydreaming, I wonder what would happen if this disaster or that disaster hit. Like when we found out someone had brought a knife into our store and I found it, I imagined what would have happened if there was another person holding it instead of it sitting on the shelf.

Or I imagine what it's like to drown, or have someone break into my house and murder me.

....I think I need more chocolate...

I'm very much like you. I'm always thinking of the "What ifs" that could end up with me dead. Driving home from work...what if something happens to my steering? And I always think to myself that I really don't care....sometimes I hope it does happen. As long as no one else gets hurt, that is.

It sounds to me like you're manic-depressive....bipolar. That's how I am, too. I'll be going along great for awhile then all of a sudden with very little warning it hits hard...deep depression. All I want to do is sit around and cry. If it wasn't for work sometimes I think I would have nothing else to do but sit and cry...and that happens quite often. I try to immerse myself in work...or photography...or something. They've tried to link internet use to depression as being a cause....I think they have it wrong. I think people seek out the internet when they are depressed because it's their way of reaching out to others who understand. It is for me.

Chocolate is not good for you. I know you don't wanna hear that, but it's true. It certainly doesn't help.

Sounds like Bi-polar to me also, but you really need a doctor to diagnose you. Bi-polar (both I & II) can be hard to diagnose, as many many other conditions can mimic it, and vice versa. Borderline Personality comes to mind too, but again I am not a doctor.

So I have an appointment with a new shrink next week, but I don't know what to do about it. TBH, I really feel like nothing will help me.  I've been on so many different meds, not much help. Also therapy never seems to help. On top of that, the whole insurance thing. Even if they start me on a new drug, or drugs.....as many of you know, they are tricky. You have to start on a dose, raise the dose, lower the dose, change meds, add meds, etc. My insurance runs out at the end of the month.....so do I even bother starting a new treatment? I will not be able to afford anything after the end of this month. Sooooo frustrating and confusing.

Anyway, that's my vent for the day. I hope everyone is ok, I think about you all every day!

Natasha240 wrote:

Sounds like Bi-polar to me also, but you really need a doctor to diagnose you. Bi-polar (both I & II) can be hard to diagnose, as many many other conditions can mimic it, and vice versa. Borderline Personality comes to mind too, but again I am not a doctor.

So I have an appointment with a new shrink next week, but I don't know what to do about it. TBH, I really feel like nothing will help me.  I've been on so many different meds, not much help. Also therapy never seems to help. On top of that, the whole insurance thing. Even if they start me on a new drug, or drugs.....as many of you know, they are tricky. You have to start on a dose, raise the dose, lower the dose, change meds, add meds, etc. My insurance runs out at the end of the month.....so do I even bother starting a new treatment? I will not be able to afford anything after the end of this month. Sooooo frustrating and confusing.

Anyway, that's my vent for the day. I hope everyone is ok, I think about you all every day!

I'm OK. Still worried about you, though. Hope things work out. If you need anything I can help with let me know.

I think about everyone here too.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
Hey all. Hope everyone is well. Not so good here. Family is already starting the holiday stress with me. I don't know what to do.

Hey.....so what is going on? I'll PM you too.

Hang in there everyone!

Natasha240 wrote:

Hey.....so what is going on? I'll PM you too.

Hang in there everyone!

Just the typical family type pressures around holidays. Ridiculous expectations. Pretend to be happy and everything is OK.

I'm just not into holidays.

Natasha240 wrote:
They scare me..........I had a tree crash through my apartment in the middle of the night. That is one loud bump, let me tell you!

Well, that's more than just a bump. That's more of a crash. If that happened to me, well....let's just say I wouldn't need any laxatives for awhile.

Kayelless wrote:
it's me! it's me!
I'm doin' good.

YAAAAAAY!!!!!

That's awesome!

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
Hey all. Hope everyone is well. Not so good here. Family is already starting the holiday stress with me. I don't know what to do.

If you need to talk, i'm here for venting purposes I'm dealing with some major depression right now too.

SPierce Photography wrote:

If you need to talk, i'm here for venting purposes I'm dealing with some major depression right now too.

Thank you. The offer is the same for you, too. Or anyone else that needs to talk.

Chris Rifkin wrote:
Meh,3 weeks off,didn't get my safety bonus I was prommised(decided to take it away for something that wasn't my fault),have barely enough to live on (ie eat,gas) till Jan 9th.
Spending the entire holliday season by myself....
Merry Fing Christmas..........

I definitely know how you feel. My employer is very much like that too.

I sincerely hope things work out for you.

Natasha240 wrote:
Hi everyone, how's it hangin?

It's hangin. How are you doing? Gonna probably PM you in a bit once I get caught up on some stuff.

Lawrence Guy wrote:
I suffer from clinical depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and seasonal affective disorder.  I've been locked in a psych ward because I hit a point where I was convinced that it was my destiny to kill myself.  I would say that the one thing that saved my life is this:

The contract for survival.  You promise yourself and someone else that you will call for help if you ever get to the point that you are thinking of killing yourself.  Then you keep that promise.

No matter how bad it gets, even when you think that suicide is the only option left to you, remember that there is a second option: call for help.  It could be a hotline, it could be 911, it could even be a family member or friend who knows what to do when you get this way.  Just make the call.  Then stay on the fucking phone until help arrives.

Always remember: you have a SECOND OPTION!  Pick up the telephone and call for help.

I would have died in May 2008 if it I hadn't done that.

EDIT: I am currently on Celexa for depression, Klonapin for anxiety, and a low dose of Lithium to reduce suicidal ideation. I'm also using a sun lamp for SAD.  And I'm feeling great!  Not a single Major Depressive Episode in the last eight months (which is big, for me), and I'm full of optimism.

Also, other resources: a great book that can be a COMPANION to therapy and medication is "A Guide to Rational Living," by Albert Ellis and Robert A. Harper.  It basically covers Rational Emotive Therapy, which was the parent of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT).  CBT has been shown to be AS EFFECTIVE as medication in the treatment of depression, and when CBT and medication are combined the success rates increase dramatically.

I for one am glad you called someone. Thanks for sharing your experience.

I also recently bought some sun lights and started using them in my house. I also made my son promise me he would keep the lamp turned on next to where he sits with one in it unless he's sleeping. I haven't had them long enough now to know how well they'll work, but we'll see.

Natasha240 wrote:
So I have an appointment with a new shrink next week, but I don't know what to do about it. TBH, I really feel like nothing will help me.  I've been on so many different meds, not much help. Also therapy never seems to help. On top of that, the whole insurance thing. Even if they start me on a new drug, or drugs.....as many of you know, they are tricky. You have to start on a dose, raise the dose, lower the dose, change meds, add meds, etc. My insurance runs out at the end of the month.....so do I even bother starting a new treatment? I will not be able to afford anything after the end of this month. Sooooo frustrating and confusing.

A few points:

First, Walmart has a great prescription med deal on the most frequently used medications.  You can get Celexa and Lithium filled for only $4.  There are I think 150 drugs on the list that are $4.  Note that this is WITHOUT insurance.

Second, I went through a whole string of meds myself.  It wasn't until 8 months ago that they found the magic combo, and that was because nobody had diagnosed my GAD before that (generalized anxiety disorder).  GAD, and anxiety in general, can greatly exacerbate depression, and if you're only being treated for depression the anxiety can overwhelm you.

Third, therapy is hit or miss depending on the therapist.  I don't know if you've specifically sought a therapist who does CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), but it has been shown to be among the most effective treatment methods for depression available.

Fourth, I am currently getting full treatment without any insurance whatsoever.  I see my therapist twice a month at $45 per session, and my pharmacologist once per month at $45, and I pay about $30 for my meds.

Anyway, don't give up on getting treatment.  Don't ever give up.

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
It's so frustrating when you try so hard to do the right thing and others make light of it.

https://www.modelmayhem.com/po.php?thread_id=387645

I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but I can't help it.

I applaud your attempt to benefit others less fortunate.  However, I want to point something out to you: as long as you believe the world "should" be a certain way (i.e., people "should" help others), you're going to be frustrated when reality does not cooperate with your desires.

The book I mentioned in an earlier post (A Guide to Rational Living) goes into great detail on this sort of thing.  The authors even coined a word for it -- "musterbation" -- to describe thought patterns where you basically say "the world MUST be this way, and when it isn't I become frustrated/unhappy/depressed/worried/etc."  I highly recommend the book; it's in the self-help section of Barnes and Noble, although I personally believe it belongs in Psychology.

I put forth the above comments with the kindest intentions.

Sincerely,
Guy L. Smith (Lawrence Guy)

Lawrence Guy wrote:

I applaud your attempt to benefit others less fortunate.  However, I want to point something out to you: as long as you believe the world "should" be a certain way (i.e., people "should" help others), you're going to be frustrated when reality does not cooperate with your desires.

The book I mentioned in an earlier post (A Guide to Rational Living) goes into great detail on this sort of thing.  The authors even coined a word for it -- "musterbation" -- to describe thought patterns where you basically say "the world MUST be this way, and when it isn't I become frustrated/unhappy/depressed/worried/etc."  I highly recommend the book; it's in the self-help section of Barnes and Noble, although I personally believe it belongs in Psychology.

I put forth the above comments with the kindest intentions.

Sincerely,
Guy L. Smith (Lawrence Guy)

Thank you. My frustration isn't really with how the world "should be" though. It's more with how people can make light of the misfortunes of others. I know people will be people. It just seems common decency doesn't exist anymore. Example: The day after "Black Friday" some of the guys at work were joking about the WalMart incident. Someone died and they were laughing about it. That's what is frustrating to me. If you don't care, fine. Just don't go out of your way to make fun of those who do.

I honestly don't expect the world to be anything. I don't expect people to care. I do feel, however, that when talking about a topic that is serious (death, poverty, disease, hunger, etc.) the talk itself should be serious. If you can't be serious about it, don't speak. Otherwise, it's rude.

Lawrence Guy wrote:
Third, therapy is hit or miss depending on the therapist.  I don't know if you've specifically sought a therapist who does CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), but it has been shown to be among the most effective treatment methods for depression available.

I finally found a therapist after many attempts and years of pissing my money away at therapy who does CBT last year(mainly because I stopped developing socially at age 13,and it festered and killed my self esteem for over 25 years)
You would be surprised how bad therapy can exasperate a situation,I had at least 2 tell me that (I was living on Long Island at the time and desperately wanted to get out,(and as i found out recently,I should have left in the early 90's)I shouldn't leave where I was living,that not everyone was meant to be successful and rich,marry a pretty girl,and that I needed to embrace my "mediocrity"
This therapist is amazing,only problem is that I found her too late(i tend to do things on impulse,especially when I'm depressed,and I bought this townhome I'm in on impulse 3 months before the bubble burst here in Tampa on an ARM) to prevent the issues I'm facing with my home.
But you know what,whatever,if I can't negotiate a better loan or a morgage reduction,oh well.I make good $$$,I'll have a place to live.
The other issue is that she has to undo damage others have done to me by brainwashing me with all the "your not good enough" propaganda shoved down my throat for the past 25 years

Photons 2 Pixels Images wrote:
Thank you. My frustration isn't really with how the world "should be" though. It's more with how people can make light of the misfortunes of others. I know people will be people. It just seems common decency doesn't exist anymore. Example: The day after "Black Friday" some of the guys at work were joking about the WalMart incident. Someone died and they were laughing about it. That's what is frustrating to me. If you don't care, fine. Just don't go out of your way to make fun of those who do.

I honestly don't expect the world to be anything. I don't expect people to care. I do feel, however, that when talking about a topic that is serious (death, poverty, disease, hunger, etc.) the talk itself should be serious. If you can't be serious about it, don't speak. Otherwise, it's rude.

I agree with you 99%.  However, you do say "when talking about a topic that is serious ... the talk itself should be serious."  Note the should in there.  That's all I'm getting at; when you think things should be a certain way, you're going to be upset when they aren't.  Find a way to reorient your thinking; such as "it would be nice if everyone treated this subject seriously, but I can accept that some, or even many, people won't.  What matters is that some people DO treat it seriously."

We create our own emotions, and they stem from the belief systems we build about the world.  We can control what emotions we experience by examining our belief systems and altering them to lead to emotions that are less upsetting.  This is the core of RET/CBT.

--Guy