Damon Banner wrote:
poisoned me. 

I tend to purge the toxin, but you know how that goes, once you get poisoned, you are a little weaker.  remember how when superman got stabbed with kryptonite and even though he did eventually come back...  he was weaker.  Like that, except I can't fly.

Okay, but do you think this is a permanent scar? If so, why or how?

Model Sarah wrote:
I was talking with a friend tonight about this and it's something I havent given much thought to. Do any of you have experience with toxic relationships, whether they be friends/significant others etc? If so, do you feel they damaged you in any way or do you feel like a new person that you broke free from it? What's your story?

I'm genuinely curious and i'll expand more on her explanation/experience.

Definitely had some toxic relationships/friendships.

Do they leave lasting effects? Yes.  Negative effects?  Not necessarily.  Depends on what perspective you choose to put things in - I prefer to consider them to have been "learning experiences".

Nicolette wrote:
My relationship with my mother is completely toxic.

I ended up completely disowning her and refuse to have anything to do with her. My own mental state has been improving ever since.

I simply cannot imagine having a toxic relationship with my family. That has to be difficult because you didnt choose to be there. Friends/roommates/S.O.'s you choose to have relationships with. Not that one is easier or harder, I just cant imagine that being anything more than traumatic for anyone.

Did this happen recently? Do you feel like you'll be healed one day?

Bek Ruszin wrote:

Definitely had some toxic relationships/friendships.

Do they leave lasting effects? Yes.  Negative effects?  Not necessarily.  Depends on what perspective you choose to put things in - I prefer to consider them to have been "learning experiences".

Ah, yeah that is sort of what I thought but i'm forced to think that will take an immense amount of time. Is it easy to talk about? Do you feel foolish for being in one?

Model Sarah wrote:

Ah, yeah that is sort of what I thought but i'm forced to think that will take an immense amount of time. Is it easy to talk about? Do you feel foolish for being in one?

It might take an immense amount of time...I think it depends on what one's been through. 

Somethings are easier to talk about than others - again, entirely dependant on what has occurred.

Have I ever felt foolish?  Sure - usually right after my eyes have been opened.  Do I sometimes get mad at myself.  Yup.  But do I have regrets?  Not really - that's wasted energy...I try not to regret things. 

It's okay to make mistakes.  It's ok to say to yourself, "I made a mistake here", but that's how we learn.  Regret is a totally different beast - it's the one that prevents growth, it's the one that won't let us let go.  Regret is what will leave the scars and the bad taste in your mouth.

Model Sarah wrote:

I simply cannot imagine having a toxic relationship with my family. That has to be difficult because you didnt choose to be there. Friends/roommates/S.O.'s you choose to have relationships with. Not that one is easier or harder, I just cant imagine that being anything more than traumatic for anyone.

Did this happen recently? Do you feel like you'll be healed one day?

My relationship with my mother had been toxic pretty much since the day I was born [she didn't want to have me, at all] and my father was absent. I left her in my dust for good when I was about 16 years old. She would occasionally be medicated for a month or so until I was about 20... I tried to heal and fix things with her, but the damage has been done. I cut off all ties. Perhaps some day, I will be healed. For now, I just tell people I do not have a mother. I have someone who gave birth to me, but that is different than having a mother.

BUT, my toxic relationship with her, for a while, convinced me that was how all relationships were supposed to be. I dated a string of emotionally and physically abusive guys for quite some time. To an extent, I still have issues with people using me. I don't just lie down and take it anymore though. I suppose that's healing, in a way.

Light Writer wrote:
If a person suffers from some sort of emotional "trauma" there may be a tendency to seek out people like the "traumatizer". An person who was emotionally abused as a child may have a tendency to seek out a person like the abuser, so that "this time" it will be different. This is especially true with adults who were neglected by a parent.

Cognitive Therapy is very helpful in gaining insight into one's own emotional reactions and to see the patterns that may repeat.

Pretty much my belief as well.

Everyone plays a role in a relationship. If for some reason I've found a relationship to be negative to both parties, I step away to analyze why.

Bek Ruszin wrote:

It might take an immense amount of time...I think it depends on what one's been through. 

Somethings are easier to talk about than others - again, entirely dependant on what has occurred.

Have I ever felt foolish?  Sure - usually right after my eyes have been opened.  Do I sometimes get mad at myself.  Yup.  But do I have regrets?  Not really - that's wasted energy...I try not to regret things. 

It's okay to make mistakes.  It's ok to say to yourself, "I made a mistake here", but that's how we learn.  Regret is a totally different beast - it's the one that prevents growth, it's the one that won't let us let go.  Regret is what will leave the scars and the bad taste in your mouth.

That is the conclusion I seem to have come up with myself. I always try to NEVER ever regret anything I did in my life but learn from it. I recently admitted some things in my past (albeit just a couple) that I dont think i'd dealt with by saying them out loud and then understand the repercussions. It was eye opening.

That feeling of having your eyes opening seems to be the beginning.

Thank you for that.

Light Writer wrote:
If a person suffers from some sort of emotional "trauma" there may be a tendency to seek out people like the "traumatizer". An person who was emotionally abused as a child may have a tendency to seek out a person like the abuser, so that "this time" it will be different. This is especially true with adults who were neglected by a parent.

Cognitive Therapy is very helpful in gaining insight into one's own emotional reactions and to see the patterns that may repeat.

This is the way I'd look at it psychologically but i'm trying very very hard not to do that. I'm literally trying to sort through something I just do not understand on a personal level but am beginning to.

indefinite anomaly wrote:

Pretty much my belief as well.

Everyone plays a role in a relationship. If for some reason I've found a relationship to be negative to both parties, I step away to analyze why.

Absolutely.

Model Sarah wrote:

Okay, but do you think this is a permanent scar? If so, why or how?

I think everything in life has a permanent impact on you.  Scar?  I might not use that word to describe me.  Maybe others might have those types of "scars" (commonly called baggage).

Light Writer wrote:
If a person suffers from some sort of emotional "trauma" there may be a tendency to seek out people like the "traumatizer". An person who was emotionally abused as a child may have a tendency to seek out a person like the abuser, so that "this time" it will be different. This is especially true with adults who were neglected by a parent.

Cognitive Therapy is very helpful in gaining insight into one's own emotional reactions and to see the patterns that may repeat.

Yep, I did that for years. My dad is a paranoid schizophrenic, among other things, who was emotionally abusive and neglectful back when he was addicted to various things and going without treatment.

I moved in with him when I was a young teen thinking I could make him better and that didn't work.
So I dated a lot of guys like him in some way or another trying to fix them as well and obviously getting used, abused, and manipulated in the process. I wasn't much better on the front of being mature and not abusing others either.

I rekindled a relationship with my dad who, while still suffers from mental illness, is on proper medication and is doing his best (we speak at least three times a week for 30 minutes to an hour at a time), got some therapy for myself, and now have a great relationship with a great guy. But, we weren't always so great for each other.   Not that we were ever horrible for each other and breaking up every other week whenever we fought about something. But, we both had some steps we needed to take to make our relationship the best and be the best we could be for each other. To sum it up, it was a matter of both of us maturing in the ways we needed to.

I don't have many friends because I am a lot more guarded against toxicity these days. I have enough going on with all my illnesses that the last thing I want to deal with is petty friend drama. I have various minor family drama, like stuff with my brother and his wife, but I can deal with that like a boss. I just find myself unable to deal with friend drama that I think is unnecessary.

Letting go of my anger for things not being how I wished them to be during my child-hood has helped me immensely. My dad is now a positive in my life and no longer a negative and I'm a lot more emotionally stable for taking the time to sort out all my issues.

Nicolette wrote:

My relationship with my mother had been toxic pretty much since the day I was born [she didn't want to have me, at all] and my father was absent. I left her in my dust for good when I was about 16 years old. She would occasionally be medicated for a month or so until I was about 20... I tried to heal and fix things with her, but the damage has been done. I cut off all ties. Perhaps some day, I will be healed. For now, I just tell people I do not have a mother. I have someone who gave birth to me, but that is different than having a mother.

BUT, my toxic relationship with her, for a while, convinced me that was how all relationships were supposed to be. I dated a string of emotionally and physically abusive guys for quite some time. To an extent, I still have issues with people using me. I don't just lie down and take it anymore though. I suppose that's healing, in a way.

That's a very good thing for you to admit. In general, I feel like a lot of people dont admit things they are involved in because they became involved in them for a reason and it calls for self introspection which in itself is difficult to do.

I dont necessarily think this applies to you because it's a parent, which is someone you rely on and sort of have to until adolescence. I think it's great you are open to growth and learning from it.

Model Sarah wrote:

That is the conclusion I seem to have come up with myself. I always try to NEVER ever regret anything I did in my life but learn from it. I recently admitted some things in my past (albeit just a couple) that I dont think i'd dealt with by saying them out loud and then understand the repercussions. It was eye opening.

That feeling of having your eyes opening seems to be the beginning.

Thank you for that.

Just give it time and be easy on yourself. 

Bek Ruszin wrote:

Just give it time and be easy on yourself. 

Well, I was talking about regret there but it's kind of easy for me to beat up on myself when the truth is I dont need to do that. It isnt healthy. So I choose not to.

Model Sarah wrote:
That's a very good thing for you to admit. In general, I feel like a lot of people dont admit things they are involved in because they became involved in them for a reason and it calls for self introspection which in itself is difficult to do.

I dont necessarily think this applies to you because it's a parent, which is someone you rely on and sort of have to until adolescence. I think it's great you are open to growth and learning from it.

Introspection is definitely difficult and it requires being very in tune with how you're actually feeling.

I understand it's different because it was a parent. But, toxicity starts somewhere, ya know? It started with my mother, became a part of me, and spilled over into my friendships and romantic relationships. I tolerate a lot of bullshit in my love life because I truly believe that I, to an extent, deserve it because of how my mother was to me. Deep down I know it isn't true... but I still deal with the scars and the fact that it carries over into other aspects of my life.

Nicolette wrote:
My relationship with my mother is completely toxic.

Hey mine too!

And i have friends who are in a very toxic relationship right now..
Not going to say anything on here about it but man..

Kitty LaRose wrote:

I've only twice in my life had a boyfriend who's parents actually liked me. One is my current and one is an ex. All of my breakups were 100% my fault in my boyfriends parents eyes, I was a horrible child who hurt their poor babies and I was never good enough for them from the start. Mostly because I come from a single parent home. Despite the fact that almost all of my boyfriends parents were some form of abusive (all emotional, some also physical), MY mother was the bad parent by default of her being a single mom. Everything their children did wrong was my fault, I made them that way. My first boyfriends parents went on to call my mother and harass her, threaten all of us, and tell her what a shitty mother she was for raising me to be the little selfish manipulative heartless bitch that I am (I was 13, he lied to and cheated on me, I broke up with him and he of course threatened to kill himself (for the billionth time) and this one time I didn't take him back. I of course was the bad guy)


Almost none of my friends parents ever liked me either, for the same reasons. I was undisciplined (mostly because I didn't do anything really wrong like their kids did), my mother was never around (she was off providing for me, unlike them), my father left so obviously there was something wrong with us three. If they found out their kids were drinking or doing drugs or getting in other sorts of trouble, I was the one who put them up to it, I made them do it. I was every parents favorite scapegoat for their own shitty parenting, and they hated that their kids loved my mother more because she took care of us.


That was tons of fun.

Laura UnBound wrote:
That was tons of fun.

Sounds like it.

Laura UnBound wrote:
Almost none of my friends parents ever liked me either, for the same reasons. I was undisciplined (mostly because I didn't do anything really wrong like their kids did), my mother was never around (she was off providing for me, unlike them), my father left so obviously there was something wrong with us three. If they found out their kids were drinking or doing drugs or getting in other sorts of trouble, I was the one who put them up to it, I made them do it. I was every parents favorite scapegoat for their own shitty parenting, and they hated that their kids loved my mother more because she took care of us.

That was tons of fun.

I was going to comment and say I'm sorry& after hearing all these kind of scared:/

But to this part- damn me too! Haha I couldn't see my BEST friend for 6months because I left a carnival early because i was dizzy&apparently that's a criminal act.

Model Sarah wrote:
This is the way I'd look at it psychologically but i'm trying very very hard not to do that. I'm literally trying to sort through something I just do not understand on a personal level but am beginning to.

Another way to look at a relationship is socially, rather than psychology. The societal norms for a person who was brought up in a certain society become deeply ingrained in the person. The typical example is the "personal space" in some cultures a person feels that another is standing too closely when they are within 18 inches, in other cultures 24 inches is too close. So one could think of it in terms of the people one was around as a child, their past behaviors and customs have a deeply ingrained influence on the adult. So outside of psychology, what one is "used to" comes from the examples of peers and family.

Preference in music is like this too, I suspect. Country music is no better or worse than heavy metal, but if one's peers listened exclusively to country, one tends to prefer it. It takes an effort of exploration to listen to heavy metal and come to a conclusion about how much one likes it. It seems so obvious that a preference is inherently better, but it takes effort to overcome those preferences and learn that it's not obvious after all.

Light Writer wrote:

Another way to look at a relationship is socially, rather than psychology. The societal norms for a person who was brought up in a certain society become deeply ingrained in the person. The typical example is the "personal space" in some cultures a person feels that another is standing too closely when they are within 18 inches, in other cultures 24 inches is too close. So one could think of it in terms of the people one was around as a child, their past behaviors and customs have a deeply ingrained influence on the adult. So outside of psychology, what one is "used to" comes from the examples of peers and family.

Preference in music is like this too, I suspect. Country music is no better or worse than heavy metal, but if one's peers listened exclusively to country, one tends to prefer it. It takes an effort of exploration to listen to heavy metal and come to a conclusion about how much one likes it. It seems so obvious that a preference is inherently better, but it takes effort to overcome those preferences and learn that it's not obvious after all.

I've just studied so much psychology to understand the world that it's hard to look at things socially sometimes until I remind myself. It's kind of hilarious really.

But you're right. We are our environment and we're raised to think what we're taught is the right way and it's difficult to see outside of that sometimes.

Light Writer wrote:
If a person suffers from some sort of emotional "trauma" there may be a tendency to seek out people like the "traumatizer". An person who was emotionally abused as a child may have a tendency to seek out a person like the abuser, so that "this time" it will be different. This is especially true with adults who were neglected by a parent.

Cognitive Therapy is very helpful in gaining insight into one's own emotional reactions and to see the patterns that may repeat.

This is very insightful and dead on.

As for myself, I've had a lot of toxic relationships, but have always tried to escape them, although it tends to take an extreme situation for me to realize how toxic it really is. This is probably due to some things that happened to me at a very young age and I basically subconsciousnessly chose to re-live it and re-live it.

The stress from all of it caused so many health issues and some life threatening - stress kills. Toxic relationships can cause so much stress that it can kill you, literally. I'm still fighting to get well, healthwise. I didn't realize the extent of stress caused by toxic relationships til it almost cost me my life, at which time I terminated over 90% of my relationships. I went from being a social butterfly and being surrounded by " friends " to only having a couple of select friends. I just couldn't handle the stress anymore and wasn't willing to let them effect my health anymore.

I was also diagnosed with " Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. "

I went through a period probably in my teens and early twenties where toxic relationships effected me greatly on an emotional level and more recently it has effected me healthwise. I don't think they effect me anymore. I accept people for who they are and I accept it if someone does not have the qualities to benefit having a relationship with. I don't expect more from anyone then they're willing to give. If someone can only offer a toxic relationship then I accept that and stay away from them, rather then what I'd do before and hope for things to be better.

immateria wrote:
My relationship with my father has been unhealthy for most of my life. He is manipulative, with a history of emotional and semi-sexual abuse, leaving me with a mountain of emotional scars that I've been working on for many years.

But the more progress I've made with myself, the less toxic my relationships with other people have become, including the one with my father. I'm healthier and happier, so my relationships are too. That simple.

How did you make progress with yourself? Was it something active you had to tell yourself or?

Model Sarah wrote:

How did you make progress with yourself? Was it something active you had to tell yourself or?

Oh, goodness. That's a loaded question. The underlying idea is that I started to take responsibility for my own happiness and well-being. I had an unhappy childhood that left a lot of damage. I blame that almost solely on my father, but placing that blame doesn't fix me. I can only do that on my own. And I still have a lot of work to do.

I used to have terrible depression, severe social anxiety, frequent panic attacks, and I was constantly getting sick. I was a complete mess. I sabotaged myself financially and scholastically. I'm a naturally nurturing and caring person, and those characteristics were warped into me being self-sacrificing. The unhealthy relationships I've had have mostly been based on my inability to stand up for myself and my eagerness to ignore people's obvious flaws and deficiencies. I kept trying to find the good things in them that either weren't there or they had no interest in cultivating in themselves.

As a teenager with depression, I was in therapy and on anti-depressants for a very short time. They didn't suit me. So I started to ask myself questions, to root out the causes of my unhappiness. I developed menial routines to help me take breaks from the constant doom and gloom. I had a turning point when I was 21 and finished my yoga training, because learning about yoga and Ayurveda helped solidify the vague, but true ideas I had about health into sustainable ideas and practices.

What it comes down to is that happiness is a choice. I'm not saying the depression and other mental illnesses aren't physical ailments that should be dealt with accordingly, but the underlying idea is that whatever treatment you get you have to work for beginning with the conscious decision to work towards happiness. And it is work. Long, painful, heartbreaking work. Even if you don't believe it's possible, you have to convince yourself it is.

I operate under the idea that there is no mental and physical health. There's just health. You can't work on one and neglect the other. Neither may be perfect, and one aspect might be better than the other, but both need to be improved.

I believe in the power of positive thinking. Think good things, have good things. It's not mysticism if you don't want it to be. Learning to look on the bright side does two things:

1. Learning to think positively opens your mind to positive outcomes. By constantly thinking and expecting the worst, we close our minds off to positive outcomes, making them harder to come by.

2. Positive thinking helps you deal with the negative things that come your way with better grace. Somethings will stop seeming negative, but the things that are truly bad will be easier to bear. It opens your mind into finding learning experiences and growing opportunities.

The way that personally think of it is that the energy that you send out into the world returns to you. So if you send out good vibes, you get good things. In terms of relationships, it's pretty simple: Misery really loves company. Unhappy people draw unhappy people to them. I've seen it in myself and so many people around me. Frankly, happy people don't want to surround themselves with friends that bring them down.

I do yoga. The physical practice helps keep me strong and healthy (I personally have persistent functional back problems I constantly have to monitor). It also help me to cultivate peace and patience within myself. The philosophies that I've learned from yoga help me love myself and to cultivate the positive qualities I know I possess but often keep hidden underneath layers of perceived neuroses.

Over the years, I've grown stronger, healthier and happier as a person. I'm still learning how to really take care of my needs, but at the very least, I've learned how not to become mired in toxic, ungiving and unhealthy relationships.

My relationship with my father is slowly improving, because I finally took a stand and flat out told my parents that either my dad can admit there is a problem and agree to work on it, with my help, or they will lose me. I can deal with his shit, but I will not involve any one else in it.

My current romantic relationship is just the kind of relationship that I want to be in. We are both imperfect, but we both put in the effort to improve ourselves so that we grow together, instead of growing apart.

immateria wrote:

Oh, goodness. That's a loaded question. The underlying idea is that I started to take responsibility for my own happiness and well-being. I had an unhappy childhood that left a lot of damage. I blame that almost solely on my father, but placing that blame doesn't fix me. I can only do that on my own. And I still have a lot of work to do.

I used to have terrible depression, severe social anxiety, frequent panic attacks, and I was constantly getting sick. I was a complete mess. I sabotaged myself financially and scholastically. I'm a naturally nurturing and caring person, and those characteristics were warped into me being self-sacrificing. The unhealthy relationships I've had have mostly been based on my inability to stand up for myself and my eagerness to ignore people's obvious flaws and deficiencies. I kept trying to find the good things in them that either weren't there or they had no interest in cultivating in themselves.

As a teenager with depression, I was in therapy and on anti-depressants for a very short time. They didn't suit me. So I started to ask myself questions, to root out the causes of my unhappiness. I developed menial routines to help me take breaks from the constant doom and gloom. I had a turning point when I was 21 and finished my yoga training, because learning about yoga and Ayurveda helped solidify the vague, but true ideas I had about health into sustainable ideas and practices.

What it comes down to is that happiness is a choice. I'm not saying the depression and other mental illnesses aren't physical ailments that should be dealt with accordingly, but the underlying idea is that whatever treatment you get you have to work for beginning with the conscious decision to work towards happiness. And it is work. Long, painful, heartbreaking work. Even if you don't believe it's possible, you have to convince yourself it is.

I operate under the idea that there is no mental and physical health. There's just health. You can't work on one and neglect the other. Neither may be perfect, and one aspect might be better than the other, but both need to be improved.

I believe in the power of positive thinking. Think good things, have good things. It's not mysticism if you don't want it to be. Learning to look on the bright side does two things:

1. Learning to think positively opens your mind to positive outcomes. By constantly thinking and expecting the worst, we close our minds off to positive outcomes, making them harder to come by.

2. Positive thinking helps you deal with the negative things that come your way with better grace. Somethings will stop seeming negative, but the things that are truly bad will be easier to bear. It opens your mind into finding learning experiences and growing opportunities.

The way that personally think of it is that the energy that you send out into the world returns to you. So if you send out good vibes, you get good things. In terms of relationships, it's pretty simple: Misery really loves company. Unhappy people draw unhappy people to them. I've seen it in myself and so many people around me. Frankly, happy people don't want to surround themselves with friends that bring them down.

I do yoga. The physical practice helps keep me strong and healthy (I personally have persistent functional back problems I constantly have to monitor). It also help me to cultivate peace and patience within myself. The philosophies that I've learned from yoga help me love myself and to cultivate the positive qualities I know I possess but often keep hidden underneath layers of perceived neuroses.

Over the years, I've grown stronger, healthier and happier as a person. I'm still learning how to really take care of my needs, but at the very least, I've learned how not to become mired in toxic, ungiving and unhealthy relationships.

My relationship with my father is slowly improving, because I finally took a stand and flat out told my parents that either my dad can admit there is a problem and agree to work on it, with my help, or they will lose me. I can deal with his shit, but I will not involve any one else in it.

My current romantic relationship is just the kind of relationship that I want to be in. We are both imperfect, but we both put in the effort to improve ourselves so that we grow together, instead of growing apart.

That was very well thought out and well written. Thank you.

I agree with everything you're saying. I think what I need to do is make a list of goals and pursue them. I dont know where to begin but I have a foot and I am good at kicking my own ass to motivate myself. I think a good start is exactly what you're saying which is health. I want to start walking/running again and maybe having a little exercise routine. A dear friend of mine suggested the same thing, actually two of them did. I think it's a fabulous idea.

I've ALWAYS been a positive thinker and completely agree with your comments on it. Happiness absolutely is a choice and always has been for me.

Maybe i'll start with making a carrot cake...