Two Pears Studio wrote:
I am a big believer in self responsibility... so for me if you know that you are in a toxic relationship... you are choosing it.

I'm not placing it as blame or judgment, but as a matter of choice. You are choosing all the bad and concequences...

So there are times I have been in a toxic relationship... toxic for both of us... usually it is because we forget that happiness is not something that happens to you or that someone gives you... it is a gift you give yourself.

I have been in a toxic relationship out of self and partner deception... often it is where I am lying to myself about what I want and then I blame then for not giving me what I want.

So damaged from it? no... not in the sense that the toxic relationship did anything to me... I did it to myself. There is often residule trauma from being in something like a toxic relationship, but that trauma is often somatic and need only be cleared somatically. The thought or thinking part is all about behavior and modifying my behavior.

Maybe you wanted juicy stories or something like that... and yes I have put myself in many stupid situations... but nothing that a little commitment checking and action taking won't cure.

I didnt want juicy stories, not really sure where you got that at. I just wanted to hear what others have gone through and how they dealt with it. Most sound incredibly positive and that gives me a lot of hope in humanity.

You're right with choosing to be in something. I 100% agree with that. I think if people learn from their choices/mistakes and truly do self introspection nothing but good can come of that.

Model Sarah wrote:

I didnt want juicy stories, not really sure where you got that at. I just wanted to hear what others have gone through and how they dealt with it. Most sound incredibly positive and that gives me a lot of hope in humanity.

You're right with choosing to be in something. I 100% agree with that. I think if people learn from their choices/mistakes and truly do self introspection nothing but good can come of that.

Keep in mind that for some people who are working through the reality of toxic relationships- they're at the point in their journey where they feel that all they deserve is that kind of relationship.  It becomes a codependent cycle of abuse.

I look at like alcoholism- until you hit your personal rock bottom, you can't see how deep into the shit you are.

The Original Sin  wrote:

Keep in mind that for some people who are working through the reality of toxic relationships- they're at the point in their journey where they feel that all they deserve is that kind of relationship.  It becomes a codependent cycle of abuse.

I look at like alcoholism- until you hit your personal rock bottom, you can't see how deep into the shit you are.

Sure, I understand that. I can kind of try to guess why but every situation is different and has a spectrum like anything else in life.

For me, i'm genuinely a positive person and happy with a good outlook on life so when something doesnt feel right I assess it and change it. Obviously with something of this nature it might take a few tries, and THAT is what I need to concentrate on. I've kind of got this thing about me where I believe everyone is inherently good but what I need to realize is, that to unveil that takes a LOT of work for some.

The Original Sin  wrote:
Maybe I should have said- like alcoholism, the person in the toxic relationship cycle doesn't even realize there's a problem until they hit that wall.

I guess ultimately I was wondering what the trigger was for everyone and how they discovered and coped with it. I feel my story is different and that's totally okay. The process is still the same following it.

This has truly given me insight in something that i'd never thought about before.

Model Sarah wrote:

I guess ultimately I was wondering what the trigger was for everyone and how they discovered and coped with it. I feel my story is different and that's totally okay. The process is still the same following it.

This has truly given me insight in something that i'd never thought about before.

For me, it usually takes being outside of the situation for a period of time (a break, a vacation, them getting grounded in early teenage relationships, something that keeps me apart from that person for more than a weekend) and a fuckton of the people around me talking me through how fucked up the situation is and trying to understand, or make me see, why im still there. Even then, I wasnt the one to leave most of those relationships (it will change, he'll change, we can fix it, he doesnt really mean that, its not his fault, but hes not a bad guy really, but I need him, etc etc, I held on until we had a humungous fight and/or they left me. And by then I usually had my next relationship lined up and waiting, half the time they were my "go to guy" for the current relationship problems. I was a serial dater because of that, and it was extremely unsuccessful/unhealthy.

In my biggest relationship (my worst relationship, my worst break up) we broke up because I had cheated on him and he found out (by reading my texts while I slept, more on the control issues and lack of trust/privacy bit). We were already on the rocks for months by that point, and I thought of leaving him a lot, but I finally did something that made him leave me first. For several more months we did the "lets work it out, no we cant fix this, but we need each other, but we hate each other, but we can do better, but no we can't" dance but I was finally worn so thin I couldnt keep trying, the whole relationship was us continually "trying" and it never working, so I finally quit. Him being an extremely hateful ass to get back at me for hurting him helped me keep my decision to leave, I couldnt be with someone who was going to spend the rest of our relationship constantly making sure I was hurting for what I did to him,(especially when I forgave all the hurtful things he did to me, and I was a terrible person if I ever brought them back up) and im sure that if I had stayed, thats how that would have panned out. He'd find a way to remind me of what a wretched person I was every day because it would make him feel better. I was still flip-flopping on what I was going to do the day that I left. I almost didn't, my sister being there (on the opposite side of the country) and pretty much telling me I had to leave with her was maybe the only thing that really made me go. Being 3000 miles away was one of the few really solid things that kept me gone in the year that followed. Now, finally, I have no issue with making the choice to leave. I can say with certainty we could not have ever worked it out, and after 3 years of being apart and going through personal changes to who we are and how we deal with things, discovering and owning the things that we really want in ourselves and our partners, I can say that we could never have arrived at this point for either of us if we had stayed together. It makes me sad that it HAD to be that way, and it makes me sad that for all our trying we couldnt have been a good couple, but we're both better happier people now, and we learned a hell of a lot.


My relationship following that was pretty obvious. I had already changed SO much that I was able to cleanly walk away when it was time and not feel guilt or need. I was given an ultimatum of "me or them", and I wasnt fucking around with that bullshit. Especially when "them" was a clear part of the "me package" from the very beginning and I never gave any indication that I was going to change that. I wont cut people out of my life for other people. Id done too much of that in the past and I hated myself for it, I was never happy to do that, and I refuse to do it again. I woke right the fuck up when that was presented to me, that was maybe the easiest relationship decision ive had to ever make.

Model Sarah wrote:

This is the way I'd look at it psychologically but i'm trying very very hard not to do that. I'm literally trying to sort through something I just do not understand on a personal level but am beginning to.

It took me basicly from when I started getting tormented horrificly in School till I was around 40 to start to figure this out,that it was my mother that was extremely toxic in the way she treated my issues in school,(it was all Gods plan,turn the cheek,we can't do anything about it because it would interfere with Gods plan for you,let's go talk to the priest),and even when my first GF was killed by a DWI driver(it was all part of God's plan,she wasn't the one God has chosen for you,because she was too pretty for you,God had to take her away because you would have been tempted to have sex before you were married and for pleasure.God has someone picked out for you,she is not the prettiest girl but you will fall in love with her because she is a daughter of God...bla bla bla)
And why I surrounded myself with toxic people(many of the people I surrounded myself were also severely socially inept like me in the Metal scene...and would tell me that I am not good enought for..bla bla bla....lower your expectations in life....bla bla bla)
the damage
the horrific low self esteem and self worth I am trying to fight,the social skills of a 14 year old(also due to the HS torment)and the lonliness and depression that is well known in these parts about me...
Have noticed a big change once I started making people on this site a majority of my circle of friends and chain sawed much of the prog metal scene out of my life(which I have to deal with the next 4 days in Atlanta for ProgPower,already 2 threads on various forums bitching about how I only hang with models these days and ignore the "normal people"(mainly because this year I have been the reason why at least 5 of my model friends and 2 photogs are going...also because Redemption is huge amongst my friends due to the fact they are awesome)

Just going to hang at the back of the venue with my friends that are going and sit there with my 50D and and200 2.8 and get great images of the show

Two Pears Studio wrote:
I am a big believer in self responsibility... so for me if you know that you are in a toxic relationship... you are choosing it.

I'm not placing it as blame or judgment, but as a matter of choice. You are choosing all the bad and concequences...

So there are times I have been in a toxic relationship... toxic for both of us... usually it is because we forget that happiness is not something that happens to you or that someone gives you... it is a gift you give yourself.

I have been in a toxic relationship out of self and partner deception... often it is where I am lying to myself about what I want and then I blame then for not giving me what I want.

So damaged from it? no... not in the sense that the toxic relationship did anything to me... I did it to myself. There is often residule trauma from being in something like a toxic relationship, but that trauma is often somatic and need only be cleared somatically. The thought or thinking part is all about behavior and modifying my behavior.

Maybe you wanted juicy stories or something like that... and yes I have put myself in many stupid situations... but nothing that a little commitment checking and action taking won't cure.

many of the people who have posted have mentioned their parents.  I doubt most of them chose their parents.  Mitt Romney did, but other than him, we are sorta helpless with that one. 

Afterwards, people may then repeat familiar patterns, including those they learned from within their family.

Laura UnBound wrote:
For me, it usually takes being outside of the situation for a period of time (a break, a vacation, them getting grounded in early teenage relationships, something that keeps me apart from that person for more than a weekend) and a fuckton of the people around me talking me through how fucked up the situation is and trying to understand, or make me see, why im still there. Even then, I wasnt the one to leave most of those relationships (it will change, he'll change, we can fix it, he doesnt really mean that, its not his fault, but hes not a bad guy really, but I need him, etc etc, I held on until we had a humungous fight and/or they left me. And by then I usually had my next relationship lined up and waiting, half the time they were my "go to guy" for the current relationship problems. I was a serial dater because of that, and it was extremely unsuccessful/unhealthy.

In my biggest relationship (my worst relationship, my worst break up) we broke up because I had cheated on him and he found out (by reading my texts while I slept, more on the control issues and lack of trust/privacy bit). We were already on the rocks for months by that point, and I thought of leaving him a lot, but I finally did something that made him leave me first. For several more months we did the "lets work it out, no we cant fix this, but we need each other, but we hate each other, but we can do better, but no we can't" dance but I was finally worn so thin I couldnt keep trying, the whole relationship was us continually "trying" and it never working, so I finally quit. Him being an extremely hateful ass to get back at me for hurting him helped me keep my decision to leave, I couldnt be with someone who was going to spend the rest of our relationship constantly making sure I was hurting for what I did to him,(especially when I forgave all the hurtful things he did to me, and I was a terrible person if I ever brought them back up) and im sure that if I had stayed, thats how that would have panned out. He'd find a way to remind me of what a wretched person I was every day because it would make him feel better. I was still flip-flopping on what I was going to do the day that I left. I almost didn't, my sister being there (on the opposite side of the country) and pretty much telling me I had to leave with her was maybe the only thing that really made me go. Being 3000 miles away was one of the few really solid things that kept me gone in the year that followed. Now, finally, I have no issue with making the choice to leave. I can say with certainty we could not have ever worked it out, and after 3 years of being apart and going through personal changes to who we are and how we deal with things, discovering and owning the things that we really want in ourselves and our partners, I can say that we could never have arrived at this point for either of us if we had stayed together. It makes me sad that it HAD to be that way, and it makes me sad that for all our trying we couldnt have been a good couple, but we're both better happier people now, and we learned a hell of a lot.


My relationship following that was pretty obvious. I had already changed SO much that I was able to cleanly walk away when it was time and not feel guilt or need. I was given an ultimatum of "me or them", and I wasnt fucking around with that bullshit. Especially when "them" was a clear part of the "me package" from the very beginning and I never gave any indication that I was going to change that. I wont cut people out of my life for other people. Id done too much of that in the past and I hated myself for it, I was never happy to do that, and I refuse to do it again. I woke right the fuck up when that was presented to me, that was maybe the easiest relationship decision ive had to ever make.

Yeah, that sort of stuff takes time and a lot of self reflection, which like I mentioned before takes a lot of effort to do and one has to do it for THEMSELVES not anyone else.

immateria wrote:
I forgot to put something into my last post. When I say that health in yourself and in your relationships is a matter of taking personal responsibility, I mean that responsibility starts when that conscious decision is made. There is no use in blaming yourself for, or over-analyzing the past. Yes, people do choose to stay in unhealthy relationships, but it's not a conscious choice. Unhappy people do unhappy things. It's the way things are. The main choice you can make is to stop being unhappy and find a way to make that happen.

I've moved past blaming myself and over-analyzing everything - i'm damn good at it unfortunately. The truth is, i'm a happy person and very intuitive so when something isnt right, I know it and change it. I've realized what happened here and I just need to remind myself that it isnt going to work unless some major upheaval of the behavior is accomplished and I cant be there to help that. One has to want to do that themselves and the truth is, not many people can unless it smacks them in the face.

Chris Rifkin wrote:
It took me basicly from when I started getting tormented horrificly in School till I was around 40 to start to figure this out,that it was my mother that was extremely toxic in the way she treated my issues in school,(it was all Gods plan,turn the cheek,we can't do anything about it because it would interfere with Gods plan for you,let's go talk to the priest),and even when my first GF was killed by a DWI driver(it was all part of God's plan,she wasn't the one God has chosen for you,because she was too pretty for you,God had to take her away because you would have been tempted to have sex before you were married and for pleasure.God has someone picked out for you,she is not the prettiest girl but you will fall in love with her because she is a daughter of God...bla bla bla)
And why I surrounded myself with toxic people(many of the people I surrounded myself were also severely socially inept like me in the Metal scene...and would tell me that I am not good enought for..bla bla bla....lower your expectations in life....bla bla bla)
the damage
the horrific low self esteem and self worth I am trying to fight,the social skills of a 14 year old(also due to the HS torment)and the lonliness and depression that is well known in these parts about me...
Have noticed a big change once I started making people on this site a majority of my circle of friends and chain sawed much of the prog metal scene out of my life(which I have to deal with the next 4 days in Atlanta for ProgPower,already 2 threads on various forums bitching about how I only hang with llamas these days and ignore the "normal people"(mainly because this year I have been the reason why at least 5 of my llama friends and 2 photogs are going...also because Redemption is huge amongst my friends due to the fact they are awesome)

Just going to hang at the back of the venue with my friends that are going and sit there with my 50D and and200 2.8 and get great images of the show

Not to derail the thread onto religious crap but it really makes me disgusted when people conveniently blame 'god'  for good and bad things in their life. It takes away personal responsibility and the reality of the world. I remember when I was little and watching the gulf war on television. One anchor said; "This is in god's plan etc etc" I remember thinking; "This god guy is pretty awful to want to start wars and allow people to kill other people."

Again, dont want to derail things here just thought that is a pretty ridiculous thing to do.

NicoleNudes wrote:
(Holy long post batman. Sorry about that. Didn't realize I typed so much).

I tried to respond to you earlier, but the dreaded 405 apparently got me. You have nothing to be sorry about at all, so never mind that. When we speak from the heart it just comes out, so thank you for sharing what you did with all of us. That took courage and strength, thank you.

I just felt the need to send you tons of hugs and feelings of being held. ((((((((((HUGS AND HOLDING))))))))))))) I know you dont know me, but I am sure you have seen me around these parts. Please be sure to know that this is genuine in every way. Shoujld you ever just need to vent or yell or scream or need a (((((insert word))))))) feel free to come a knockin.

Model Sarah wrote:
I guess ultimately I was wondering what the trigger was for everyone and how they discovered and coped with it. I feel my story is different and that's totally okay. The process is still the same following it.

This has truly given me insight in something that i'd never thought about before.

Hm. My trigger for my above story was when I was sitting in a room with my mother, and I just collapsed in a pile of hysteria and cried my eyes out. I didn't know why I was crying, but I couldn't stop saying, "My god, my god, this has to stop."

Today, my biggest trigger that gets me to regress into a mindset of fear is when I'm confronted with anger. And not like, "Hey, yo, I'm mad 'cause you left an empty carton of milk in the fridge," I mean more like "HEY BITCH I'M GOING TO KILL YOUUUUU" stuff. Sets me off into an immediate panic attack that takes hours to come down from.

It's a work in progress.

Damon Banner wrote:
many of the people who have posted have mentioned their parents.  I doubt most of them chose their parents.  Mitt Romney did, but other than him, we are sorta helpless with that one. 

Afterwards, people may then repeat familiar patterns, including those they learned from within their family.

No one chooses their biological parents... it is just how it is... but how you respond to them is your choice. The way I see it is that once they give you life... they don't owe you anything. Hopefully they offer love, support, etc, but that is their choice.

The moment they give you life... you have everything you need to have a great life... yes you need food and shelter... etc... but having a great life is a subjective thing and you are the creator of your subject! lol

and you are spot on about the family patterns... most often we are living within patterns that we are not even conscious of... and that is where choice becomes limited. With that said... if your life is not working out and you can't figure out why... it is usually a blind spot and all you have to do is find someone to watch for your patterns.

Today the car dealership shuttle driver was telling me about his experience at the national gallery in DC... he had a curious reaction to abstract art... I asked him if that reaction showed up in any other area of his life as it was pretty extreme... well it was all over his life... and it had some pretty negative consequences. I asked him if that showed up in anyone else that he knew... and it was a story both his mom and grandmother had about life... He saw that now he had choice in the matter because he saw he was living into a story about life that wasn't his!

Toxic relationships are just a symptom of something... not a destiny. You cannot show me where you are toxic... (okay... don't try! lol) or even the other person's toxicity ... you can show behaviors that are toxic or are interpreted as toxic. Once a behavior is known... then it is choice.

btw... none of this is the truth... it is just one way of looking at it. A model if you will.

Two Pears Studio wrote:

No one chooses their biological parents... it is just how it is... but how you respond to them is your choice. The way I see it is that once they give you life... they don't owe you anything. Hopefully they offer love, support, etc, but that is their choice.

The moment they give you life... you have everything you need to have a great life... yes you need food and shelter... etc... but having a great life is a subjective thing and you are the creator of your subject! lol

so you think a child has a choice in how they react to their parents? 

No, not really.  By the time we develop the ability to understand reactions, complex emotions and choice, we are already fucked up (assuming we have bad parents). 

If it was as easy as you seem to think it is, this thread would probably be empty.

Damon Banner wrote:

so you think a child has a choice in how they react to their parents? 

No, not really.  By the time we develop the ability to understand reactions, complex emotions and choice, we are already fucked up (assuming we have bad parents). 

If it was as easy as you seem to think it is, this thread would probably be empty.

Damon is very right here. We do not choose our parents and humans are the product of our environment. It's no more simple than that. Every story has a spectrum and this is nothing different.

I am simply interested in people who have experienced what I have recently and I havent given thought to. The truth of the matter is, I experienced this on a level I havent before and I was interested in others experiences. This thread has given me a light and i'm very happy to see the responses.

You could address the choice issue to me but I need to reflect on how I came to this. it isnt like I said; "hey, let's totally be in a toxic relationship today!" Obviously there is some personal responsibility here but it's all a learning process. To suggest otherwise, is quite ridiculous.

Model Sarah wrote:
I was talking with a friend tonight about this and it's something I havent given much thought to. Do any of you have experience with toxic relationships, whether they be friends/significant others etc? If so, do you feel they damaged you in any way or do you feel like a new person that you broke free from it? What's your story?

I'm genuinely curious and i'll expand more on her explanation/experience.

*edit* also, anyone feel free to PM me. I'm genuinely curious.

Yes. I got involved with a girl who was living with me. She had issues and used me, took advantage of me in various ways. It's complicated, she was the first girl (only girl) I slept with and I think I had some rose colored glasses on really bad about the whole situation. And I'm just sort of a loser socially - I have a hard time making friends, especially with women, because I just feel so nervous and unworthy most of the time.

I felt better after breaking away (kicking her out), but it was and is still sad. I am sad things were the way they were. But ultimately I stood up for myself and learned a very hard lesson about letting people walk all over me.

Gabrielle Heather wrote:

I tried to respond to you earlier, but the dreaded 405 apparently got me. You have nothing to be sorry about at all, so never mind that. When we speak from the heart it just comes out, so thank you for sharing what you did with all of us. That took courage and strength, thank you.

I just felt the need to send you tons of hugs and feelings of being held. ((((((((((HUGS AND HOLDING))))))))))))) I know you dont know me, but I am sure you have seen me around these parts. Please be sure to know that this is genuine in every way. Shoujld you ever just need to vent or yell or scream or need a (((((insert word))))))) feel free to come a knockin.

Thank you hun!

*hugs!!*

Augustine York wrote:

Yes. I got involved with a girl who was living with me. She had issues and used me, took advantage of me in various ways. It's complicated, she was the first girl (only girl) I slept with and I think I had some rose colored glasses on really bad about the whole situation. And I'm just sort of a loser socially - I have a hard time making friends, especially with women, because I just feel so nervous and unworthy most of the time.

I felt better after breaking away (kicking her out), but it was and is still sad. I am sad things were the way they were. But ultimately I stood up for myself and learned a very hard lesson about letting people walk all over me.

Guh. The only chick I really fell for emotionally was a fucking sociopath that used me to get to my boyfriend then played games turning him against me. I still want her to die in a fire, that one really fucked me right up.

Damon Banner wrote:

so you think a child has a choice in how they react to their parents? 

No, not really.  By the time we develop the ability to understand reactions, complex emotions and choice, we are already fucked up (assuming we have bad parents). 

If it was as easy as you seem to think it is, this thread would probably be empty.

Uh huh...and in my case I was already surpressing what had happened in my past,up utill I started speaking with the therapist I currently talk to,the only thing I remembered was bullying and me kicking the living crap out of the main dude.I had surpressed the God"s plan BS even though I knew that it was a part of my life(which reared its ugly head when my GF passed away)I think it was worse going through life not knowing why I was feeling what I did and why I chose toxic people to be around..

Model Sarah wrote:

Not to derail the thread onto religious crap but it really makes me disgusted when people conveniently blame 'god'  for good and bad things in their life. It takes away personal responsibility and the reality of the world. I remember when I was little and watching the gulf war on television. One anchor said; "This is in god's plan etc etc" I remember thinking; "This god guy is pretty awful to want to start wars and allow people to kill other people."

Again, dont want to derail things here just thought that is a pretty ridiculous thing to do.

Personal responsability and extreme religion do not mix....
I only discovered the wonders of personal responsability right after my ex fiance left me in the world of shit I'm still in at age 38

Damon Banner wrote:

so you think a child has a choice in how they react to their parents? 

No, not really.  By the time we develop the ability to understand reactions, complex emotions and choice, we are already fucked up (assuming we have bad parents). 

If it was as easy as you seem to think it is, this thread would probably be empty.

For the most part no... Children's brains go through several changes as they grow. They develop strategies to deal with what they perceive. They also pick up young conversations that are given to them by the adults and other children in their inner circle. Studies show that our brains are not fully functional until we are around 23 so it is no wonder that children don't have full capacity to react to anything.

After 23 then choice is the key to living a life that you want. Toxic parents and toxic relationships are more to do with these young conversations left over from when your brain was limited in it's ability to create language sufficient to create your life. As adults we can choose to upgrade those conversations that limit us or not. We get the life we get, based on how far we are willing to be responsible for our lives and our conversations. (self and otherwise)

oh and as far as easy... it isn't. Often there are somatic aspects that we have to deal with that language cannot get at. And there are those blind spots... the areas that live in "we don't know that we don't know" It takes a concerted effort and discipline. So would you rather live a life of your design or be subject to a life given to you?

DivaEroticus wrote:
Divorce is imminent.

I lost a lot of my sense of self, my confidence, my appeal as a woman, my security.  I’m getting better, but still don’t feel much.

I'm glad you are out.

Laura UnBound wrote:

Guh. The only chick I really fell for emotionally was a fucking sociopath that used me to get to my boyfriend then played games turning him against me. I still want her to die in a fire, that one really fucked me right up.

It took me a long while to come to terms with the fact that it's okay to be attracted to both genders, and she was the first girl I was ever really able to express those feelings for. Aaand she basically ran me over with a steamroller. Gah.

Kitty LaRose wrote:

Hm. My trigger for my above story was when I was sitting in a room with my mother, and I just collapsed in a pile of hysteria and cried my eyes out. I didn't know why I was crying, but I couldn't stop saying, "My god, my god, this has to stop."

Today, my biggest trigger that gets me to regress into a mindset of fear is when I'm confronted with anger. And not like, "Hey, yo, I'm mad 'cause you left an empty carton of milk in the fridge," I mean more like "HEY BITCH I'M GOING TO KILL YOUUUUU" stuff. Sets me off into an immediate panic attack that takes hours to come down from.

It's a work in progress.

I seriously want to give you a hug right now. That must be horrible. I thought I had it bad, but no, nothing that bad.

I'm glad you found David, he seems so perfect for you now. xoxox.

Gabrielle Heather wrote:
What if you are told over and over again that you are the one who is toxic and led to believe that? What if it has become engrained in you that you are a "bad" person". That shit doesnt fix easy. When you DO fuck up, because it's life, and it's GOING to happen, it hurts even worse. It's a lose lose situation in which only one can do is try and work on past triggers and learn from them and try to not keep repeating the same relationships, patterns, or mistakes over and over. Sorry I am being so vague. This is a hard topic for me. ( and I know for lots of you)

We are human beings therefor we are creatures of habit. We develop those habits from our parents, friends, surroundings and environment. The only way to change is to recognize you (generally speaking) have an issue and you have to make an active attempt to change that. The best way to go about it is to seek professional help and consciously work on changing your habits and redirecting them toward more healthy mindset.

This is VERY VERY hard to do and will require an extraordinary amount of effort. But a healthy mind and life is worth it.

Model Sarah wrote:
We are human beings therefor we are creatures of habit. We develop those habits from our parents, friends, surroundings and environment. The only way to change is to recognize you (generally speaking) have an issue and you have to make an active attempt to change that. The best way to go about it is to seek professional help and consciously work on changing your habits and redirecting them toward more healthy mindset.

This is VERY VERY hard to do and will require an extraordinary amount of effort. But a healthy mind and life is worth it.

I am a firm believer in therapy and meds for those who need them. It's one thing though to be completely aware of the situations around you, (after years of routing around) where they came from, why, etc........ it is another to be able to shift the situation. One day at a time is all one can do. It truly is such a relief to hear someone admit that they screwed up, and caused pain, but when they deny it, it drives you crazy. Slowly we have to learn where to put certain feelings and thoughts, and how to move on from them while still having those people in your life.

Gabrielle Heather wrote:
What if you are told over and over again that you are the one who is toxic and led to believe that? What if it has become engrained in you that you are a "bad" person". That shit doesnt fix easy. When you DO fuck up, because it's life, and it's GOING to happen, it hurts even worse. It's a lose lose situation in which only one can do is try and work on past triggers and learn from them and try to not keep repeating the same relationships, patterns, or mistakes over and over. Sorry I am being so vague. This is a hard topic for me. ( and I know for lots of you)

self analyze to see where you really are.  If the words aren't true, tell yourself(the collective you) over and over that you are a great person (positive self affirmations).  Say it so much that you replace the negative thoughts with positive ones.

Damon Banner wrote:
self analyze to see where you really are.  If the words aren't true, tell yourself(the collective you) over and over that you are a great person (positive self affirmations).  Say it so much that you replace the negative thoughts with positive ones.

My current situation and circumstances do not help me to affirm much positive in myself. Rock and a hard place. The negative far outweighs any positive that may be in there. It will take huge changes that won't be happening for who knows how long. One day at a time. I appreciate your thoughts.



p.s I self analyze constantly. I have tried to step back a bit. I also analyze communications with others TOO much.

DarcieK wrote:
I seriously want to give you a hug right now. That must be horrible. I thought I had it bad, but no, nothing that bad.

I'm glad you found David, he seems so perfect for you now. xoxox.

Come to Vegas and I'll hug youuuu. Haha.

All joking aside, David has been absolutely incredible through it all. He is so patient, soft spoken, and understanding. I truly couldn't be happier.

Gabrielle Heather wrote:
What if you are told over and over again that you are the one who is toxic and led to believe that? What if it has become engrained in you that you are a "bad" person". That shit doesnt fix easy. When you DO fuck up, because it's life, and it's GOING to happen, it hurts even worse. It's a lose lose situation in which only one can do is try and work on past triggers and learn from them and try to not keep repeating the same relationships, patterns, or mistakes over and over. Sorry I am being so vague. This is a hard topic for me. ( and I know for lots of you)

What I ended up doing, before and after I got out of my toxic relationship, was spending time in front of the mirror. I would get out of the shower, look at my puffy red cheeks from the hours spent crying et al, and I would just glare at my reflection and say, "You deserve better. You are someone," over and over again. The night I left my now-ex-boyfriend, I took a shower, cried, and just told myself "You deserve better. You are free." Slowly, but surely, I stopped tolerating bad behavior (from others and from myself) and relied on family and friend's support.

Kitty LaRose wrote:
What I ended up doing, before and after I got out of my toxic relationship, was spending time in front of the mirror. I would get out of the shower, look at my puffy red cheeks from the hours spent crying et al, and I would just glare at my reflection and say, "You deserve better. You are someone," over and over again. The night I left my now-ex-boyfriend, I took a shower, cried, and just told myself "You deserve better. You are free." Slowly, but surely, I stopped tolerating bad behavior (from others and from myself) and relied on family and friend's support.

When I first started to REALLY discover the nature of the toxic dynamics between people in my life and myself, I spent time in the mirror. It for sure wasn't good times. I was by this time a teenager. Stuff should have been talked about but the situation was out of control and continued to be. I was pegged as the "problem", just as you were and so many other people in here are deemed to be the ones who have the issue. The other people don't want to assume responsibility for their actions. They see people act out in various ways and say "you see that there, thats the issue".

Again, I'm sorry I am not being specific about things. I am more than happy for you that you have found David. Stories like that are things that amaze me. It saddens me that more people have been hurt in life than not. It's human nature. Everyone has different needs according to how they were raised. i could talk forever in this thread but ......

Kitty LaRose wrote:
I have been in two toxic relationships, but I'm going to focus on the one that nearly killed me.

So...I started dating this guy right before I turned 19. I knew him fairly well for a few years, so I didn't see too much harm in skipping the "dating" phase before entering the "relationship" phase (yeah, I was a sucker back then). He was everything I wasn't: he was assertive, aggressive, critical, experienced, had a ton of sexual partners,  blah blah blah, he smoked, he had a tattoo, he was foreign, spoke a different language fluently...you get the picture. I was star-struck. Within the first month of us dating, he started nudging me to change certain behaviors. You know, get over my shyness, dress a little nicer, take more pride in my appearance/who I was/my accomplishments/etc. He started criticizing some of the less-than-perfect-moments of my family, started talking about the politics of gender roles...

Three months into the relationship, he started saying he couldn't control himself around me. Like, if I kissed him in this way how could I not expect him to push for sex? How could I not understand when he couldn't stop because I had done that. That usual bullshit, which lead to the first time I've had my first pregnancy scare.

One year into the relationship, I didn't exist anymore. I couldn't make a decision, because no matter what I chose, it'd set him off into a blind rage. I remember once, we were hanging out at his parents' place (he lived with them), when my mother asked me to bring back her car so she could run errands. He lived maybe seven miles away, so he jumped in his car and mine in hers so we could return the car. We were gone maybe 10 minutes between our two houses. When we came back, his parents were standing in a rage, saying how we had missed dinner and it was all my fault, which is where his father proceeded to yell at me for the next two-and-a-half hours about my irresponsibility, my bad parents, my poor manners, how I'm a poison to his son, how I'm a succubus robbing his son of so many opportunities, blah blah blah....and I just stood there, frozen. And my boyfriend at the time let him. He even joined in on the yelling after I left for home.

Four months before our two-year anniversary, my parents stepped in. They took me up north to celebrate with my father's side of the family for Christmas. We were in Utah for two or three weeks. During this time, I started the healing process, and my eyes started to open. I saw that my boyfriend was manipulating me and that I deserved better. I knew I could find better. I decided my first step to healing was to return to university (he had convinced me to drop out). My parents decided to support my decision, found me an apartment, paid the deposit, paid all of my tuition, and I enrolled in the Spring Semester for 2009.

Two or three weeks after I left the state and returned to school, I found the courage to break up with him. I was a coward and broke up with him over the phone...but I knew that if I had tried that in person, he'd have killed me.

Once I broke up with him, my body collapsed. I had a constant fever of 104 for the rest of the semester, I went down to 82 lbs (mind you, I was 5'02" and almost 21 years old by this time), I couldn't keep much food down without constant abdominal pain (which I'm still dealing with), etc etc. I'm amazed I passed all my classes.

Yes...this was a toxic relationship. And it still affects me. I still find myself scared to make decisions because there's a small part that believes I can't think for myself--that I'm a danger to myself and my surrounding community. I am VERY gun-shy when I meet new men, especially if they have an aggressive personality. My husband, to this day, can't raise his hands too quickly when close to me without me flinching, although I know with ever fiber of my being David would NEVER touch me in anger. And I am still learning what a "normal" relationship entails. I'm learning that being called a succubus is NOT normal nor acceptable; I'm learning that I, as a woman, matter and can have an opinion over finances, budgets, decorating, etc. I am learning that I am powerful. That I am smart. That I matter.

It's been almost four years since I left that relationship...but it will be many years until he is completely out of my veins.





(sorry for the lengthy post).

* This hit me so hard wow