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Question to fellow photographers
Hey guys, I'm an amateur photographer. I started getting serious about 5 years ago. My wife has always supported me and even done some modeling for me as I practiced to get better. Here's the issue. Every once in a while she brings up (throws at me) the fact that I'm shooting young, pretty models. Sample: I wanted her to pose for me and she says, "why do you want me?" She also seems a bit edgey when I get a phone call from a model to confirm a shoot or ask questions. I love this woman with my whole heart and tell her every freakin day. She seems to think all photographers must be single and reminds me how lucky I am that she lets me do this. SOMEBODY HELP ME. - Steve Oct 05 06 09:22 am Link OK -- here's the thing -- the prognosis is not good. Under the best of circumstances, major life changes can be hard on a relationship. Typically, people want you to stay exactly who you were when they met you -- after all, that's the person they fell in love with, right? So when something major changes, it can create problems. Sometimes they just don't like the change, sometimes there are subtle control issues and they want to run your life for you. But now -- mix in hanging around taking pictures of models, if she has an ounce of jealousy, you're in huge trouble. She may or may not be able to get past it. Or she may get past it, but constantly use it as leverage. If you talk with other photographers who shoot models, this is a VERY common problem. And then sometimes, you get situations like the famous photog Helmut Newton, who's wife was an active participant in his work. I was a corporate marketing wonk when I started getting into photography. When I went professional full-time and started doing a lot of work with models, my girlfriend HATED it. She was constantly making comments, rolling her eyeballs, telling me she just didn't understand why I was doing what I do -- and it actually began to harm the quality of my work. Now I am with a woman who loves what I do. She loves photography, and completely gets why I want to photograph models. She often participates in the shoots, and has started doing some commercial work with me. She trusts me completely and doesn't have a jealous bone in her body. Being with someone who not just tolerates, but actually supports and encourages your work, can make a huge difference in an artistic pursuit like photography! So -- my take on it is -- take it seriously. Work with her to see if you guys can get past this. You may need to get some relationship counseling together. Ultimately, you may have to choose between staying with this woman, and doing photography. Regards, Paul STEVES PHOTOS wrote: Oct 05 06 09:32 am Link Well, as a female photographer who works with semi-nude women a lot, and a bi-sexual past, my husband has no jealousy what-so-ever. He knows that work is work and when I'm shooting these young women it's for our project or my project or to figure out how to work with them for the future, etc. If he was jealous I would not know how to react. I'm not interested in these women. Some of them have become my friends, but it's not sexual in the least. Has your wife ever just assisted you? If she did would it help her see that it's business and not pleasure? Holding a reflector or helping you change a backdrop or what have you? That helps a lot for people to see that it's just like any other business. If her jealousy is that big an issue I recommend couple counseling. It can help a LOT. Even couples that are deeply in love sometimes need a mediator to help one another communicate in a way that leaves both people feeling listened to and understood. Oct 05 06 09:36 am Link I think it's time sir to Corrrrrect the situation.  Oct 05 06 09:40 am Link Oh my.... it sounds deep , i amnot awake enough for this yet.... My boyfriend is a photographer , i model , I modelled before he started shooting on a regular basis... i modelled before i met him and he photographed before he met me.... We still get sill with insecurities and jeallousy , but we are lucky enough to spot it name it be honest and laugh about it.... and not dig or hurt each other over it.... some times it takes a whole day ... but being honest about it makes all the difference in the world... he is not a sluggo an escort or a Gwc so that helps too , and neither am i.... Oct 05 06 09:41 am Link Well said Paul... My wife is actively involved in my photography as well. I should say OUR photography since she really works in the creative end with the people we work with. Gary Oct 05 06 09:42 am Link First let me thank everyone for the feedback. My wife isn't really jealous of the girls. She doesn't think I'm doing the deed with them. At first I used my basement as a studio, thinking she would feel better if I was home and not elswhere. Then she told me it bothered her to hear the laughing and good times going on while I worked. I told her that she's upset at the very reason that people come to me. People come to me because I make them feel at ease and make our shoot fun. (my bad for being a fun person).....She also told me she hates hearing how great I am (meaning people like their pics).... NOTE: I don't think I'm great.......LOL I have tried to get her to take an interest in what I do. She used to do hair and makeup when she was younger and I thought "How cool it would be to work together" but she would rather just not see it. I feel it bothers her that these girls like me and trust me. Isn't that part of being a good photographer? It's not just about the images. Ok, I could go on forever about this, so I'm gunna end here. Thanks again Oct 05 06 10:48 am Link It bothers her to hear you having fun? Clearly, the photography stuff has illuminated issues between you two that you need to deal with. I think you need to talk to her about how you feel about her attitudes towards your work -- and ideally, it should be with the assistance of a counselor. You could just live with her attitude. You could give up photography. But both of those solutions leave the real issues between you unresolved. Only you can decide what you can and can't live with. Personally, I have put up with a lot of drama and crap over the years that I would never put up with now. Some people like to just pick at each other all the time, and are actually happiest in that kind of relationship. Not me. It's possible to have a healthy, happy, supportive relationship. Personally, I refuse to accept ANYTHING less. Regards, Paul STEVES PHOTOS wrote: Oct 05 06 11:14 am Link I told my g/f this: "These Playboy Photographers take Nude photos of these models all day long, it's a job, and then they go home to their wives, same thing, I do my model work, and I come home to you". She felt she needed to hear that, and is now ok with me shooting models.  Oct 05 06 11:17 am Link I tell my wife everyday how much she means to me and that this is my creative outlet. She understands that. I guess that's why I have a problem. It's not the hot young girls that bothers her. I almost think it's the fact that they look up to me and trust me...My wife is not a jealous woman. Let me restate that. My wife is not jealous of other women. She knows I love what I do and she even goes out and buys me things for the studio. I just get mixed messages......I guess we'll never figure out the female mind. I told my g/f this: "These Playboy Photographers take Nude photos of these models all day long, it's a job, and then they go home to their wives, same thing, I do my model work, and I come home to you". She felt she needed to hear that, and is now ok with me shooting models. Oct 05 06 11:29 am Link STEVES PHOTOS wrote: I had the same issue with my wife. She didn't think I was trying to come on to the models and I know she trusts me, but what was irritating her was that during shoots I would compliment the models and go on about how sexy they looked. What was pissing her off was that I wasn't paying the same amount and sort of attention to her. Once I got that balanced out the issue went away. Oct 05 06 11:39 am Link Maybe getting her to assist in your shots could help her see your work from a different perspective. I wish you all the best... Oct 05 06 11:43 am Link Even couples with strong and jealousy-free relationships occasionally encounter issues with this. Many models are great, know enough to be nice to the spouse if they meet her. Every now and then one will ignore her, or put down something important to her, and a heated discussion ensues. Or sometimes she's just down over something else, needs some attention, and feels that too much time/attention is being spent on models instead of on her. Molly's suggestion of relationship counseling is actually a good one, maybe a way to head off a train wreck before it happens. It does sound like there are some deeper issues being brought out by the model thing. Oct 05 06 11:49 am Link MoJo40 wrote: I've asked her to assist me with shoots. As I said before, she knows how to do hair and makeup. She also has a great imagination which would be awesome because I try to be different. Oct 05 06 11:50 am Link Been there and lost a lucrative business years ago. My GF helped me set up then a year later she made me stop. She is insecure and you will have to deal with it one way or another. I'd toss the ball back in her court and have her outline every detail OR you will refuse to discuss it with her in the future. Make her part of the team is also a good idea as a few suggested. Maybe she can be a MUA or your assistant an ask her to be more creative in your projects and make her a important part of the projects. Oct 05 06 11:50 am Link It sounds like a natural amount of jealousy and a little insecurity. If you are going to continue shooting without problems I'd say you need to take steps to reassure your wife beyond just using words that you are only interested in her and the rest is just photography. I would say have her come to shoots with you, have her assist you, and most of all, do little things during that time that let her know you're thinking of her like a little kiss or hand on the shoulder. Women tend to read little things like that as much larger things than guys do I think. Oct 05 06 11:52 am Link Lost Coast Photo wrote: You guys have all been great. Thank you so much for the feedback and support. I know it's a touchy subject but my wife means everything to me so I want her to feel better about what I do. Hell, I'm just an amateur. I better not do this crap for a living. hehehe, I would be broke Oct 05 06 11:53 am Link William Milberry wrote: In my case, my (now ex-) girlfriend who was having issues with my photography actually came along and assisted on shoots. She saw enough of them to know I was never anything but totally professional. I purposely left my email open all the time so she could read my correspondence with models -- and she did. Didn't work. Oct 05 06 11:56 am Link UnSeenYou wrote: Dude, I almost sold my equipment over the summer but she cooled off after a few days. I have asked her time after time to help with shoots, hair, makeup and she just says she isn't interested. I actually think she feels better just not knowing. She was the one that said I should move into a studio after I had worked in the basement to be near her. It's crazy I know. Oct 05 06 11:58 am Link bang bang photo wrote: See.....It's times like this I understand why some men are gay......LOL. That was a joke by the way, and not ment to offend anyone. Oct 05 06 12:00 pm Link Steve, Been there, seen that...won't EVER go back. Paul is correct and has given you some sound advice. My own experience tells me that when a person who is in a relationship with you tries to hamper you in whatever YOU feel like doing with your life/talents, it's the end of the road. Wishing you the best of luck with your situation. Oliver Oct 05 06 12:04 pm Link Been there.... I've been there with my photography and when I used to play in rock bands, had it there. It's their problem. I eventually decided that I wouldn't let someone else dictate (either overtly or subtly, by simply making me uncomfortable), what I was drawn to artistically. So now, jelousy and objection to opposite sex friendships is a major deal-breaker for me entering a committed relationship. John Oct 05 06 12:12 pm Link John Allan wrote: I feel the same way. Oct 05 06 12:23 pm Link Oliver Cole wrote: Oliver, I agree and my wife told me she dosen't want me to stop what I'm doing because she knows I have a passion for it. She uderstands that I just wouldn't be me without it. GOD, I wish there wre an easy answer. Oct 05 06 12:24 pm Link STEVES PHOTOS wrote: Your wife may be a confident, secure, non-jealous type, just as you say. But... Oct 05 06 12:26 pm Link STEVES PHOTOS wrote: Remind HER how lucky YOU are. Do you need help on your shoots? Hire her. Don't bring her. Don't invite her. HIRE her. Payment? Dinner at a restaurant of her choice. Does she like flowers? send them more often. Does she like to have her feet rubbed? Give her those massages. Whenever you get back from a shoot, the first thing you do is NOT look/download the photos. It's to say hi to her, talk to her, give her a hug and a kiss. Act like you're happy to be home and that's home so that you can hug and kiss her. Oct 05 06 12:28 pm Link Believe it or not, I know what you're going through. My wife has been my muse for years, in fact the only one until recently. I did my first professional shoot with a professional model (Katy_T of London) and since then, ALL HELL HAS BROKEN LOOSE! It wasn't so much a jealousy issue rather the feeling of being replaced and left out, I believe. But at the same time since then she's given me the green light (with conditions) to shoot as long as she can see by being on hand, that this is not any other thing except for photography and the art aspect. She's even getting into makeup and she had her first shoot as a makeup artist a couple of weeks ago. She's involved. She'll work with me on my shoots going forward and I'm cool with that. I know everyone has said it already but get her involved and if she is, get her more involved. She doesn't want to put you in a position of having to chose between somthing you love and someone you love. It would be like rolling the dice ( a plug for my city) and you never know how they may land. At the same time, go out of your way to make sure that she is comfortable with everything from now on. I mean, I will and hopefully this will resolve the issue for me and you. It will take time. Oct 05 06 12:40 pm Link DigitalCMH wrote: Of all the great comments I've got today, I like this one the best. Although I do most of this stuff anyway, maybe I need to do it more. I am guilty of sometimes coming home and going into my office to download my images. I'll think twice about that again. Oct 05 06 12:44 pm Link Why not make her your assistant on some shoots so she gets more comfortable with what you do? Once she understands things may get better... or not. Oct 05 06 02:09 pm Link Thats what I was going to suggest. Just bring your lady with you. I never go to a shoot with out my boyfriend. This is because I go to a lot of unsave areas and meet with a lot of strangers. He gets bored while I shoot with people but he doesn't complain. Or instead of bringing her to everyone let her know that you don't care which shoots she comes to. Let her chose and come along. *Edit I just read that last part so forget what I just said. I have no idea how to help. It seems she just wants to be mean and may be jealous not of the girls or you being with them but of your success. Oct 05 06 02:15 pm Link How about shooting more men? It has its advantages, less of a requirement for hair and makeup for a start She'll feel less threatened and might even take an interest in working with you if they are hot.Oct 05 06 02:19 pm Link I'll preface this by saying I have no idea what I'm talking about. You said you didn't always do this (photography). You said your wife isn't jealous of the girls. You also said she isn't interested in getting involved with your photography either. It would seem that you are missing the point just a tad. She's not insecure and feeling like she has to compete with pretty girls, she's insecure and feeling like she has to compete against photography. I don't know what you and your wife do in your free time, but I'd venture that she's seeing photography as taking away time, energy, and emotion that you previously spent on her. Whether it's true or not, I don't know, but it's a very real possibility that she may think that. The "fun" that everyone comes to you for... hearing people say you're "great" or whatever... well, she's going to want to think and say that, too. But not when she has to play second fiddle to photography. If you don't show her that she isn't, if you don't show her everything that you're telling her "Baby, I wuv you berry much" or whatever... ...well then they are just words. She wants her time separate from photography. I'm assuming that you don't do this for a living and have a day job. That means that time you used to spend with her is now funneled into photography. If she was just competing against another person, it would be one thing, but she's competing against a concept. That's probably very scary on her part. No need to tell me how much you already prove to your wife how you feel, blahblahblah. Of course you do that, that's why you're here asking what people think, right? Again, I don't know what I'm talking about. Still, give it some thought... Oct 05 06 03:11 pm Link You're doomed. Oct 05 06 03:20 pm Link FosbreStudios wrote: Yeah right, and she believed you? Oct 05 06 03:22 pm Link She'll really be uncomfortable when you start sleeping with the models. Kidding. It's good being single. Oct 05 06 03:28 pm Link amateurs don't usually have a crew around when they shoot - if you're shooting nudes or sexy of any kind get an MUA to work them with you, or get an assistant, doesn't have to be your wife but make sure she knows the assitant and the MUA and likes THEM - you win on two levels: with an MUA the quality of your work jumps upward, and with an assistant your gear gets moved for you And something I didn't see anyone else comment on...make sure that YOU have a point in shooting pretty girls, half dressed, undressed or otherwise - be it money or art or both make sure that you've really and truly looked at your own reasons for doing it. Bottom line, if the pictures aren't making people ooh and ahh and aren't generating further jobs or at least referrals of some sort, then as far as your GF is concerned you're just spending time with pretty girls other than her. Oct 05 06 03:33 pm Link Jay Bowman wrote: Give this one some thought. It sounds right on the money to me. I was just typing out a personal experience that illustrates this point but it got too long and meandering. Suffice to say that my boyfriend of 3 years has recently acquired a new hobby that takes up all of his attention and enthusiasm. Unlike photographing attractive young models, there's absolutely no aspect of his new hobby that should possibly make me jealous. Yet I totally resent it and get inexplicably furious every time he mentions it for the same reasons Jay offers. Oct 05 06 03:49 pm Link Always invite her to every shoot as your assistant (even if she doesn't, she knows you want her there) let her read every e-mail (if she wants), let her hear every phone call. Never shoot too much with the same model and make her a part of the whole process. Good Luck! Oct 05 06 05:17 pm Link STEVES PHOTOS wrote: She seems to be either upset that you are succeding in something Oct 05 06 05:43 pm Link Yes, it's a common situation but unfortunately the answer/solution/denouement is specific for each situation. I've been/am/was there. There is no easy answer. In the end it all depends on how much you each want to stay together. Oct 05 06 05:52 pm Link |
