This was emailed to me today and I thought a few of them were pretty funny so let me know what ya think.

If Santa answered letters the way he wanted...

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.
I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about
  I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell?

I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

Santa

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!

  Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

  Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back
to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to
give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes,
  a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan
 
Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in
my face when riding in the sleigh.

You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
  most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing
money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

****************************************************


Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know
when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping
your house.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please,
PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
 
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

****************************************************


Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Dear Mark,

First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in
a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,

Santa