Funny as hell!!!! (and a warning before reading!)


Okay... I was litterally crying and doubled over laughing so hard at this... as those that know me.. know this is absolutely something I would have done!!!! (but have not!)

Do not read this at work or in important company... as your laughter will make you seem an idiot!

Have fun!:

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ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS

"Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife."
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a
"pocket Taser" for their anniversary.


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Toni.
What I came across was a 100000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
-WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!
I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what
that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.


Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the
while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy,
bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What
happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-GUN.... that hurt like heck!!!
A minute or so later
(I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles...
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Holy Crap! That's so funny.

I just crapped myself that is the funniest thing I have ever heard I am still laughing great just great......

I litterally loled.

LOL was it a little something like this, This kid was more stupid than what your did but luckly I don't think he had as powerfull a taser..haha

http://kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1813

Quality

Hehehe....

That'll learn him.

R.O.T.F.L.M.A.O!!!!!!!!!!!!

I laughted so hard I could not see to finish reading!!  had to stop and wipe eyes to finish it ...

now: how will he explain his "aches & pains" to his wife???

OK so what was so funny about this?  I found no humor in this at all. bs

what is a taser?

lol lew of mase??..whats that

s/b in lieu of mace

That was pretty damn funny!!!!!!!!  LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that little worthless diatribe is why I said "for guys only"!!!

x-leila-x, "Taser" and "Mace" are American brand names for, respectively, a high-voltage self-defense device and tear-gas-in-a-small-can. As the story illustrates, is capable of incapacitating someone. It is used by some police departments and some private citizens to subdue the unruly.

"Mace" also means genericly a variation on tear-gas: a hot peper extract that causes extreme pain and temporary blinding by excessive tears.

well that explains it then..ive herd of pepper spray but not taser and mace untill now..

nah..ive had it before

Oh Fudge Steven ..

Leila's responses .. (and I mean this in a .. loving.. joking .. umm kind of way) was uhhh .. just as funnie as the bloddy story itself ..
I'm litterally wipin the tears outta my eyes .. omf goodness ..

BWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ahhhhhhahahaha .. ah ha .. oyyyy ****thud****

i guess i must be mature 'cause i don't find that funny at all.....

And yet again... the girls just don't get it...... 
We don't mess with your "which lipstick?" threads...
-why do you come to a "guys only" one and bore us?

Back to the laughs.....